I know that you will die soon. You've known it for a year now, but you have always been told to keep hoping and that you would fight and live. You were lying in your bed and telling everyone that all you wanted to do was die. Back then I was sad about your lack of courage. I couldn't understand that you would give up life and stop fighting, because for me, life as a result of keeping fighting seemed so natural.
But I was a fool. I didn't know what pain you went through, what it was like to lie months and months in a hospital bed, unable to go outside a single time, unable to just get up and walk around. Sometimes, you were too weak to breath, and you fell asleep while talking on the phone. Whenever I was told that you were more and more discouraged, I considered it weakness, deep inside me, and I didn't have understanding for it. Today, I regret it, and I feel bad about it. I know that you have been through a lot of pain and that life has never treated you well. Only in the two years I have known you so unbelievably much has happened to you that would have made others fall in an instant. I think I never realized the strength and courage that were necessary to go on in life, I never really knew to appreciate that you were still there when I talked to you two days after one another. I always was happy to see you and to talk to you, I really was, with all my being. You meant the world to me, and you still do. Yet, although the happiness you brought me, I took it for granted, and didn't know to appreciate it, not knowing it. I still got to talk to you when you'd started chemo, at first as regularly as always. Last summer you decided to undergo chemo again, and you went into the hospital. Since then I haven't talked to you. I have sent you letters often, to keep you up to date about my life, at least as much as possible. Sometimes, Lisa told me you'd said hi, and that you'd missed me, that you had liked my letter. Sam told me my letters had made you smile and had made your day. And that made mine, knowing that I'd put a smile on your face.
Writing this, I realize how much you mean to me. I have never had doubt about our friendship being a huge part of my life. It is just now that I see how big a part you are. When I re-read the lines above, I had tears in my eyes, and a smile in my heart. You have taught me so much, and I love you for it. No matter what happens, I know our bond won't ever brake. It is not important where any of us goes.
Lisa said you wanted to quit chemo now, after 18 months, and spend the rest of your time out of the hospital. Because you didn't want to die in a hospital bed. You might go to stay with Lisa, which you have to do if you know that it makes you happy, and that it is worth the rest of your life. I understand your decision, somehow, and I don't judge it anymore. Your life can't be very long, a fact I hate deep within my heart. Live it in happiness, live the time you have left. Maybe, when I am in California and you are still there, we might be able to meet, if I can make it down there. Once in my life time, I want to sit at the ocean with you, and watch the sunset. You'd promised me a sailing trip when I'd be in the US again, you said that almost a year and a half ago. I wish we could maek that trip, but your promise will never be broken. Once in ym life time, I want to look in your eyes, and tell you that you are one of the bestest persons I have had the pleasure to meet. I want to tell you from face to face.
You still are here, and yet I miss you. You have told me countless times that you are thinking of me always, and I have replied the same, because it's true. Be happy, my friend, because if anyone deserves it, it's you.
I love you my friend,
Chrissi
