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Thinking of my past, I can look back on 15 years that were just perfect, without problems of any kind. There were no major problems with school, no fights with my parents, nothing that would make me believe that there is more than that to the world. I suppose there was no way my life could have stayed like that, after a while, things went downhill. My boyfriend died, I had to repeat grade 10, which caused immense problems with my parents. The fights with them, constant trouble in school, the lack of self-esteem and realizing that I didn't fit in got me into depression after a while. As my grades kept dropping, the problems I ahd with the rest of my life grew bigger - those with my parents, with the people around me, and with me not trusting anyone enough to tell them. To this very day, only my online friends know about what I've been through. Thinking about suicide was normal and most of my thoughts were focused on it. I once told my mom, but she didn't realize the seriousness behind it and denied it.Last year, I started cutting, which I thought helped me very much. Well, it probably did back then, I needed something to express the pain I was feeling inside, and the blood running down my arms did just that. I cut for months, until I stopped about two months ago. I don't remember what had happened, but suddenly I didn't feel the urge to cut anymore. It happens that I play with the thought of it sometimes, and I think about what it would be like to kill myself every now and then. But I am not serious about it, it has become a habit, as strange as it may sound, I'm used to it. I have the scars on my arms, I will forever be remembered what I once felt. I am not ashamed of them anymore. They are a part of me and I'm not ashamed of anything that I am, or was.
I have totally changed my attitude towards life. Things have happpened to me, such as my trip to California, that made me see how I want to live my life, how I want to look at things, who I am. |