I just wrote an email to Michael. It was his birthday yesterday and I sent him a card telling him I'd write him a longer letter today. To be honest, I pushed it until it was night because I wasn't sure what to write, what to say. I have the feeling that 'I hope you are doing good'or 'How was your birthday?' sounds stupid, maybe even hurtful and sarcastic to someone who's been undergoing chemo therapy for almost two years. I didn't want to say anything wrong, neither did I want to just not write. He doesn't have many friends but I am one of them, and I tried to let him know that I miss him, and how much he is appreciated and loved in this world. I tried my best, but I suppose here and there it was a bit obvious and that some parts sounded a bit clumsy. Yet, I hope he knows what I meant to say, and that I could make him smile. If I always knew what to write, I would write him more often than I do, but often I feel like if there was nothing to write, even when Lisa tells me that just what I've been up to would be interesting since he loves getting mail. Maybe that's true, and I should just send notes and stories, short letters and jokes or so more often. That's a good idea, actually, I'll try to carry through with that. It's just very dificult when you're trying to keep up a friendship with someone you haven't talked to in 11 months except for a few emails, but someone you consider a person that made an impact on your life. It's difficult for me after all, since usually I can't expect a reply because he either doesn't have his compuetr there and messages are just passed on, or he is too exhausted and weak. But I will do what I can.
I had an interesting conversation with Grace today. It's really mean what some people put her through, they aren't careful with her feelings but are nothing but harsh although she deserves so much better. It's not fair. At least something improved a bit not long after we were talking. I really was glad about that, I don't like it when someone leaves ICQ still sad and depressed. I couldn't do much, but it imprtoved itself a bit afterwards, thankfully.
Internet has become so much like real life lately. That's not good. I've been mentioning that in my journal enried for the past few days now. There was a story that really hit me. I'm still not aware of why someone would do that. She came to the board, registered with a name, and a few weeks later, she 'died', and a friend of hers appeared. With messages about her friend's death, how she blamed herself, and whatnot. Everyone was touched because not long before that, a member of the IB had died. Now, the girl says that she and her friend that died were the same person. She registered with her real name, then let herself die and registered with another name, because she wanted to be someone else. Now after her confession, everyone is just like 'don't worry, we're still friends', 'it matters who you are inside', 'it takes a lot of guts to confess this', 'that's ok I once made up a brother too, haha'. It's unbelievable for me how some can be like 'oh, ok', like if it was not a big deal. To me, it is, and no, I do not understand her reasons. I am sorry, for my taste, that is not something you just say ok. When I did something wrong, I always was shown that it was wrong. I always had to take the consequences, and they were bad sometimes. How shall she ever learn when it is just 'ok'? I think my reply is the only one that has a negative touch, and extremely negative touch, out of almost 30 replies. I don't get it. How can they just react like that?! I've been thinking about leaving the board. It's something that is so unbelievabe far away from what I believe in and what is important in life, namely truth. And it seems to lack on both sides here. What's up there, I still could totally freak out about it.
I'll remove the blog on my main page again, it makes me feel watched all the time, which is not good when I want to write journal entries. Not good at all. I don't feel good about using blogger too because it's just a trend thing. I am not like that.
I think I'll go to bed now, I don't want to think too much anymore. I want to sleep, and wake up happy tomorrow. And take that blog down. Call me insane, but I almost feel it watching me.
