April 30th 2001

I actually wanted to write an entry yesterday, but when I'd written the first sentence I realized that there was so much to write about and that I just couldn't find the words. It was late, and I should have been in bed, which didn't make it any easier either.

I'm sad, somehow, things seem so dark and bleak today. It's not that I'm depressed, those times are over, just call it frustrated. I'm listening to Higher, which doesn't support positive thoughts anyway, at least not for me, at least not in this moment.

Last night I lay awake for over two hours until I managed to fall asleep. I thought about so much. Lying in bed at night and not being able to sleep is the worst thing you can do when you think too much anyway. I thought about California, and felt so lost. When I was sure that my dad had gone to bed, I got up and searched for the sun glasses James had gotten for me when we were in Newport Beach. I actually put them on for a few minutes, while lying in bed. It brought back some moments, memories that are not long gone but yet too long. Over my bed, there hangs a cross on a string, I got it almost ten years ago from our pastor. It's been hanging there ever since. I took the sun glasses off and put them on the string the cross hangs on too. It's a weird sight, the old cross that has watched me all through the years, and the sun glasses that remind me of such a wonderful time, when I felt at home. They are still hanging there, and eventually they'll remain there for times when I can't sleep at night.

Yesterday afternoon we visited my grandma who is in the hospital at the moment because she had knee surgery done. She was in a good mood and seemed to be doing good, but I saw how hard it had been for here, the past few weeks. I saw it in her eyes, and she had some more wrinkles. I hadn't seen her for more than three weeks, and you notice such changes when you don't see someone every day. It made me be more aware of that nothing lasts forever. When we were leaving, she remained standing next to the parking lot until we'd pulled out completely and kept waving. Me too. It hurt me to see her standing there, all alone, while we were leaving. I know that she doesn't feel alone, my grandma isn't like that, but it made me have tears in my eyes and I felt a bit bad about it, frustrated, sad.

Last night, my mom, my dad and I went to the theater with some friends; someone my dad went to school with, his mom, his son and his son's girlfriend. Our families have been friends for a couple of years, and I actually like the guy dad went to school with, Gerald, quite a lot. The theater was ok, it was cabaret. The program was great and you definitely had to be intellectual to understand the jokes and turns, but it was really good. I laughed a few times really loud, but the other times, I just smiled. I pondered the jokes and analyzed them, instead of just laughing. If I'd been there two years ago, I'd have been laughing all the time. Yet, somehow it's that laughing loud often, doesn't come to me anymore.
During the break, we went outside. When my mom went inside because she was cold, my dad followed her, and so did I, because I wasn't in the mood to keep a conversation with the others going. My dad actually asked me in front of the others if I was scared and wanted to come inside. I don't know what it was, a joke or whatever, but I took it amiss. I don't know how he dared saying such a thing. He shouldn't have, he really did something wrong here.

Things between my parents have been weird. My dad tends to say the most stupid things when he's in rage, things that sometimes hurt my mom. Sometimes, he apologizes, sometimes he doesn't talk for a while afterwards, sometimes he talks and treats my mom like if they were a new couple, with 'sweetheart' and lots of sweet gestures. But it's not good. My dad was home today, and he called my mom this morning and yelled at her. The reason for that was that he'd done work in the garden for 10 minutes and then was totally exhausted because of his flu, and he made her responsible for it. For him being totally exhausted. I don't know what he said, I don't want to know, but he hurt my mom, and she's been mad since then. I have no clue what's up with all these things. I'm not even sure if I want to know.

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