April 28th 2001

I am not sure what I'm doing here, something tells me that I am supposed to be outside. The sun is setting, it covers a spot on the wall right above my monitor on the left side, and it grows bigger. I can almost feel the warmth of the sunshine. When I turn around, I can look through my window, right where the curtain ends, and I see the plum tree blossom. The sun shines on it, and it is a really beautiful sight. The roof of a car shows up behind it, and the whole scene somehow makes me feel warm on the inside. Yet, when I hold my hand into the sunshine, all I get is the shadow of it on the wall, it isn't warm yet.

I worked today, and since one of my colleagues made me do most of her work, time went by quickly. I didn't really mind that I did most of her work. If I had made herself do it, all there would have been for me to do would have been clean up the shelves, and time would have gone by slowly. I didn't do it to do her a favor, oh no. If it had bothered me, I would have told her. She's one lazy girl, gets trouble with my boss often, and only does the work she likes to do - the easy things, those that don't require a lot of thinking. I didn't like working there today, I felt somewhat uncomfortable. One of the customers totally pissed me off, the whole story is too long and ridiculous, but the result was that he wanted to talk to my boss about me. It was a stupid thing, I explained him the whole story, quietly. It was obvious that he was mad already, so I spoke extra calm. I couldn't help it, I just felt the need to make him feel ridiculous. It wasn't difficult, he got even angrier very soon, ad asked for my name. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, which was completely true, so I had no problem with giving him my name. The guy at the counter sent him to the front desk. I knew him because we work together sometimes. A while later, the lady from the front desk called me and asked what had been going on since the man must have been extremely mad. But that was about it, I'd been prepared for being fired and whatnot, but she actually just wanted to know the story. Heh.
We took Mister Aye home since he lives only around the corner from us. He seems like a really nice guy. It's weird sometimes, you talk so much with the people at work, but of some I talk the most with, I don't even know the surname. Every now and then, I ask someone after his or her name, but there still are some I still refer to as Mister or Miss whatever. It's not a sign of distance, it's just that there's other things to talk about, and name seems only trivial. It's a bit weird though, but things are like that.

I still miss Cali, I feel like if something I'd approached there is slipping away. I don't want it to. But how could I stop it when I don't even know when I am holding it, when I really have it? It's a feeling, probably more than a feeling. It feels like if I myself was slipping away sometimes. Is that what it feels like when you know you should be elsewhere in the world, and you're stuck in the wrong place? I honestly don't know, but I suppose that's what it feels like.

Hmm, Laura closed down her personal site. That's a pity, her design skills are amazing, and her site always had such a calming effect. It was beautiful indeed. The way she wrote made her appear like a very nice person, I hope she'll be back with it sometime. Skye got a domain, and Rebecca is just about to get one too. It's getting a bit scary, everyone's getting domains, but I suppose that's just what happens when people develop and grow out of things, when they reach for bigger things. I suppose it's good for the most part. I found a really beautiful domain a few days ago that concentrates on writing. The design is simple and holds a certain kind of magic, somehow. I wish it had more hits, the owner deserves it so badly, she's such a nice person. With all the developments in internet life, I have come to think about if I should close down Silver Reviews. It's just not fun anymore, all the hate mail, with no one ever saying thank you. On the other hand, the reviewers have worked so hard, I don't know if it would be fair.. I'm still thinking, but I do know that something has to change. Yesterday I found a thread at a UBB about the url of SR. Geez that made me smile.

It's been almost three hours since I wrote the part above. I don't know, somehow I feel very tired, physically for the most part, but also a bit mentally. I don't know what's up with that internet stuff anymore. People who make fan sites about Sailor moon, people who give themselves weird little name and go by them online, Tux_Man, Nikki-chan, Penguin Guy. What's up with that. I suppose at any other time I could have laughed about all that, but not today. I just checked at Dodo's UBB a thread about racism, and many posted really long posts. But none of them referred to the others, they all were statements made by single people, they needed to make their point and didn't bother listening to the rest then.
The problem there is, they consider each other friends, and actually think they have a bond. Some boards just happen to have a strong belonging between the members, others don't. Dodo's UBB used to have that, but it doesn't anymore. It's just a bunch of people coming there to post, and leaving again. It's not like a community anymore.
The threads have become more and more pathetic. One person writes about what weird things her fish do. To my understanding, and I have had an aquarium for almost 10 years, they are sick and need to be taken to the vet. But instead, their story is discussed with thousands of 'lolz'. A shiver runs down my back as I type that. What is this world coming to, I can't believe how stupid and immature some people can be. They should put some seriousness into a situation, it's not funny.
I've been thinking about posting at a board with more deeper going threads, where you can actually exchange thoughts. That's what I've been missing lately. Pondering things and talk about their meaning, what they mean in life, in the world. It's something I'd really like to do, but I have never seen such a board. It already amuses me when I see that most post are made in sex forums. So much about what's important to people in life.

I suppose I'm being a bit unfair here and there, a bit too bitchy. But I can't help it, I live with it, everyone else has to. I watched a really sad movie tonight which got me quite frustrated. It was about a small town in Ireland, someone there wins the lottery. An old man did, but he dies from a stroke because he was so shocked about it. It all turns out that in the end, the 6,000,000 pounds are divided into 52 parts, because there live 52 people in the town. It was a very pretty movie, actually not meant to be sad, but the Irish music really got me sometimes. I didn't want to cry though, for no particular reason. There was just something that made me want to hold it back, so I did.

I've been thinking about spending more time outside, or doing something creative. I would really like to read more, and write more, live all those cliches that come with spring and summer. But we'll see, cliches have never been the perfect thing for me. Yet, it would do me good if I spent some time outside, with myself. Sunshine might light my thoughts, and most likely put a smile on my inside, and on the outside.

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