April 27th 2001

This afternoon everything seemed to fade away, the feeling I've had for the past few days. The feeling that made me feel alive, and like a new person. I thought about it, and actually analyzing it and really spending time on it helped me realize that it can't just fade, because it's me now. It's hard to explain, but basically, I know very well what I learned during my time in Cali, and I know what I'd lose if I lost it. So, I am holding on to it, until I walk totally comfortable in those new shoes that feel so perfect.

I miss all the people from Cali like crazy. I wonder what they've been up to. I emailed Nora on Wednesday but haven't gotten a reply yet. She doesn't check her mail often, and I hope to get one this weekend. I suppose I will. I'm really looking forward to it. I need to get the CD's for Ryan and James, we will be keeping in touch via snail mail. I know we won't lose contact, there's too much in between as that we could just forget about one another. I miss them so much, it's unbelievable. While I was there, I had such a strong feeling of belonging, I felt like if I was just meant to be there, like if I had returned from a long journey, to be with those that I belong to. When we were leaving Cali, and we were on the bus to the airport, I watched the dry grass go by, the fences, the streets, houses and all the other cars, and everything looked so familiar to me. I cried most of the time and felt like if I was to leave home.
My mom asked me today if I missed the people there. I said yes, and thought she'd think that they were more important to me than her and my family here. I felt like if I needed to apologize, so I did, but she said it was ok, and that she understood me. But of course she doesn't know how much. When my mom asked me that question I had tears in my eyes. I'd often thought about how I missed them, but actually being asked about it, and hearing the words spoken, it hurt real badly, like when you accidentally cut deeply. I didn't start crying, I couldn't have in front of my mom. What to tell her, that I felt more at home there than here?

I worked last night, saw Mehmet. He seemed quite happy to see me, kept smiling at me real big as I walked by. Ha. I messed up once when I gave someone the wrong price, but that was pretty much it. Tomorrow I'll work from 10am till 4pm, that's just fine. I needn't get up too early and can go make money though.
I've been playing with the thought of working during my two week vacation in the end of May. If I work full time for 10 days, I could make around $600, eventually more. I'd need to go through my finances and check if another trip to California is possible in summer. That would be just terrific and keep me half way sane until then.

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