April 24th 2001

I've been back from Cali for two days now. And I can't say I am happy about it. I didn't cry when we were leaving, at least not until I'd gotten into the bus. I watched the landscape pass by, watched all the houses and the dry grass pass by, the trucks on the freeway, the other cars. I was very sad that I had to leave, and I cried. I didn't sob, just cried silently. I felt like crying all the time, even when we were sitting in the airplane, when we had been flying for hours already, I still had tears in my eyes when I counted the hours that had passed since Ryan and I had played Playstation before we left. I didn't want to go. Neither did he want me to go, we played until 3pm, when I was supposed to be at the bus already. We were late, but everyone was still standing in front of the bus when we arrived. James too. We stood there talking for maybe 10 more minutes, until we were told that it was time to get on the bus. The guy from the exchange organization took two pics of me and Ryan and James and Sebastian, James put his arm around me which felt good. When it was time to say good bye, Ryan gave me a tight hug, and so did James, and Ryan's mom. I'd had tears in my eyes a couple of times, but never cried. I got on the bus without turning back one time because I knew I'd start crying if I did. When the bus was pulling out, and all the host families, including mine, were standing there, waving good bye, I finally started crying. Actually, I'm still about to cry while I'm writing this, and reading this all over again.

I miss them, I miss Ryan, James, I miss all their friends, I miss the family, I miss California, I miss everything. When I'd arrived at the airport in Munich and was waiting for my luggage, I had tears in my eyes again. I tried to convince myself that I was happy to see my family after two weeks, but I knew it was because I'd left California. I had such a strong feeling of belonging there, I felt like if I actually belonged to those people there. I can't tell my mom, I never could. She cried when I came back, she was happy.
I still am sad, and my heart aches. It does, as ununderstandale as it may seem. I feel like crying again, and there is nothing that could help me. I need to go back there, but what can I do. It just needs some time to be sorted out I suppose.
I feel that I have changed. My self-confidence has grown so much, and I have a new attitude towards life, which I can't describe or explain at the moment. But what I do know is that it is positive.

I didn't go to school yesterday but slept till 3pm instead. A time differnce of 9 hours is just no fun. Today, I woke up at 4am. School was ok,three periods were canceled, it actually was a not very important and a boring day. My family has been in a good mood, things seem to go just fine. And except for that California thing that gets me sometimes a day, I am fine too.

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