April 2nd 2001

It's a weird feeling when you feel left out by someone who has known you the longest anyone of your friends has. It wasn't done on purpose, so maybe I should blame the people who actually made me feel left out. I don't know. There was a performance of the Midsummer night Dream , performed by the drama group of our school. In the afternoon, Chrissy called me and asked if I wanted to go there with her. I agreed and was happy that she'd asked me since it'd been a while since we last did something together. It was nice having her around, we were kidding around and basically just had fun. It wasn't as open as it used to be, at least from my side, because I didn't feel like if I was able to start again where we'd left. It was nice to see though that Chrissy could, it really was.
Well, I wasn't really looking forward to the break, and when it came, I suggested we'd go outside. So we did. Some students of K12, which Chrissy is in too, stood around there, and Chrissy went to them. I came along because I thought she'd just say hi. But we remained standing there. BEfore I repeated grade 10, I'd been going to school wit the same people, so I knew them, but a lot of time had passed since I'd last seen them. They talked about exams, inside jokes, and actually ignored me. What hurt was that Chrissy didn't really seem to ignore me, but she didn't give me any more attention. It hurt because I'd never thought that would happen, not with Chrissy. She didn't seem to realize that I felt left out, and I didn't tell her. I was sad that she didn't notice it. One moment I felt like if what Chrissy and I had could grow completely back together, and the next I felt like if I just didn't belong there anymore. Which is true. The only thing that is left of my class grade 7 till 10 are those that say hi, Benjamin who I still talk with whenever I see him, Michael who seems please to see me, and Chrissy. I have known Chrissy for almost ten years, and somehow I don't want to get what happened tonight. Maybe I put too much meaning into it, but that doesn't change anything about the way it made me feel.

The play was good, excellent actors with real talent. It was amazing. And extremely funny. I thought about going there again with my mom tomorrow, I know she would love it. But her weekly Turkish workshop seems more important.

I can't deny that except for the thing tonight, it was a beautiful day. I felt good about myself, being myself. I thought about that to others, it is just natural to be themselves, but for me, it is a whole new experience. And it makes me more self confident and makes me feel good about life, in general. I smiled a lot, and when they played basket Case on the radio when we were on the way to a furniture store, and when we opened the roof and I felt the wind between my fingers, and when I noticed that the sun was quite warm already on my skin, I felt happy and complete, and I had a feeling like if everything was going to e all right.

My dad took a few pictures of me today, I will get them developed tomorrow and hope to have them scanned soon. I hope they'll turn out fine because I really was feeling good when they were taken. I hope so.

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