April 31st 2001

Today was a day you could add to those you don't have to have often. I woke up at 12.45am and realized that my alarm clocked had stopped, so I woke up my brother to ask him if he could borrow me his. I was afraid the batteries of his were very low too, so I didn't sleep well at all. I woke up many times to check what time it was because I was afraid the alarm might not ring. When it was 5.25am then, and the alarm did ring, it totally hit me. I'd been sleeping very deep at that point and the ringing really shocked me. I was tired, of course, and got up. I felt quite good though, and walked to work.

All morning I spent putting stupid things into stupid shelves, and moving them to another place and all that stupid crap that totally stresses you. My chef had off today so my colleague and I were alone and had to decide on where to put things. And there were so many customers that asked the worst questions. Everything was so exhausting and annoying, and I was glad when I finally could go home at 4pm.
But, I still had the party in front of me, and I wish they wouldn't have come. I'd been looking forward to it, but suddenly, it was gone and all I wanted was enjoy the sunny and beautiful day, talk a walk, and just relax. The party was to take place at my house, so there was no why I could have gotten out of it. Yesterday Tobias had told me he'd come 100%, and today he sent me an email telling me he wasn't sure if he'd come or not. Damn stupid guy, I'd asked him because I didn't want him to feel left out, and that's what you get in return. Armin and Michael showed up just in time. I knew that Armin would come definitely, and it surprised me that Michael came too. I was happy about that, I accept and respect Michael very much and it was nice to see him showing up here. Some other people came, but none real extraordinary. I'd been afraid it would be a bit boring, and it turned out that I'd been right. Yeah. So, they left a few minutes ago, and now I'm sitting here, partly happy that I'm alone again, but also partly disappointed because it turned out the way I didn't want to. I'm sad about it, yes. I feel like crying but the tears won't come. I can't explain why. Yeah, it was 'just a party' but it feels weird to know that there was no way it could have been better. I don't know, I even feel a bit ashamed for some reason. Because I wasn't able to do it better.

SHortly before they all arrived, I talked to my grandma on the phone. It was the first time I talked to her since her surgery on Wednesday. She said she was doing good, and I could hardly speak anymore because I was so happy, and I had tears in my eyes. Our conversation didn't last long, but I know she was happy to hear from me. it took me a few moments to get myself back together and to make sure I won't burst in tears. My brother stood right in front of me and asked how if she was doing fine, which meant that he too was happy to hear from her, although he doesn't show his worries.

Things seem pointless and going in no direction today. I'm not happy, I'm disappointed of so much, and I'm scared.

<<<