March 24th 2001

I'm tired, work was so exhausting today and I had so much to do online. I didn't even notice how tired I was getting, which means I really kept myself busy. I found an entry in my guest book in which someone said she liked my poetry. It made me smile real big to read that. I don't mind what others think and I would also keep it up on my site if I got negative feedback on it, but such nice comments always are motivating, at least for me. It was very nice. Most people write about the layout, which is ok, but I also like getting feedback on content.

I got a new pair of pants yesterday, black Carhartt pants. Damn it unbelievable how great they are, I feel so much like me in no other cloth. It's weird. I wore them only for a short while but I felt happy when wearing them. I hope to post some pictures once I have them taken and developed. I have my photo pages done already, I don't want to put the link up before I have some recent pictures of me though.

I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. There would be so much to do on the internet tonight, so much that needs to be finished, but I feel like if I just don't have the energy today anymore. Yet, I really want to finish this journal entry before I go to bed.

This morning when I left the house, it was still dawning. It was mild and the air was warm, although it started raining a few minutes before I left. My pants which were a tad bit too long got soaked with water soon, and when I arrived at the grocery store 20 minutes later, they were wet half way up to my knee. I didn't mind, I'd enjoyed the rain, and the humid weather. It had been a bit colder the day would have been perfect. I don't know, the thought of leaving the house in the very early morning on a cold day, while the rain is pouring down, and feeling the cold air on my skin, that sounds like something attracting and lively to me. Work was ok all in all, I got along with all my colleagues without any exceptions. Nicole was waiting for me in the dressing room in the morning, and so was Christian. They got on each others' nerves by telling them how stupid the other one was. I don't mind having them around me, it is actually good company when you don't expect any deeper going jokes or aspects of a conversation. My boss worked from 9.30am till 8pm, which meant we had two and a half hour during which we could start the day 'slowly'. So we thought, until we saw that the lift didn't wok, which meant we had to carry the boxes from the stock on the third floor via the emergency room downstairs. When Nicole told me, I was totally excited because I thought we'd get to use the fire ladder for it. Honestly, I was a bit disappointed when I saw that there were stairs on the inside, the emergency exit. My boss was in a good mood today, and so was everyone else. When I had to bring some tape downstairs, I met Forster on the motor stairs. I tipped on my shoulder and I jumped immensely. We had a short talk and off he went to explain some customer where whatever was. He's nice, and it was nice to see him today. I also met him yesterday when we were grocery shopping, he was very busy with quite a long line of customers but he seemed happy to see me and smiled a lot. I don't know Forster very well, but he seems to be a very sweet person and to have an interesting character.

Tomorrow we'll go to a Turkish restaurant with my grandma. I love Turkish food, so I'm looking forward to that. The stupid things are that I have to get up early, and that I don't have a lot of time then to work on my online stuff. Yet, I hope to get things done soon. I hate to know that there's things waiting to be done and finished.

My other grandma will have knee surgery done on Monday. It's the second time within three years. She's extremely motivated about it and has an amazing attitude towards the surgery. I have a good feeling about it too, I think with the attitude she was there's no way anything unexpected could happen. My mom talked to my uncle, her brother, yesterday, and they both talked about her good attitude, and that she wont have any problems. They seemed to convince each other over and over again with yeah's, and none of them wanted to say that eventually, after all, there was a light chance she might not survive it. Even I'm having trouble typing that out. I thought about that at work today, I imagined what it would be like to walk through her empty apartment, and to look at all the little precious things she's had. It seemed so unreal, and I know it is. And yet, I'm having tears in my eyes as I'm typing this. I'm afraid of her surgery, more than she is herself. I am very very scared, I can't imagine her not being there anymore. And I don't want to.

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