March 22nd 2001

Today was a beautiful day, I could write down 'Life is beautiful' on my notebook, show it to Kathrin, and actually mean it. We laughed so much today, it was a really great day. I hadn't felt that good around them in months. We didn't laugh about the deepest going jokes, just about silly little things. Like when Kathrin killed my gummi bears with her compasses, or when I accidentally threw a small plastic car to the other side of the room. Or when Julia showed us the hat that belonged to car. It really was hilarious, thank God there's something like Surprise eggs with those little plastic toys.

When lunch break started, I first went to get myself something to drink, and went back to the class room right afterwards. No one else was there, and Jojo came just a moment after me. We talked a bit, and I enjoyed it a lot. I can speak totally what I think around him, I feel so safe and not a bit insecure when he's around. I'm not sure why. I feel like if I could trust him. Maybe I can, but I don't know him that well. It's just a feeling I have, somehow. I sat down on my table, and he sat down right in front of me, and we had a little conversation. About my bad Chemistry grades, within other things, he asked me why my grades had dropped so much this year since last year, I'd had a B. I said I didn't know. And I really do not feel good about lying to him. I do know it, of course. It felt like if I was lying to myself. I have been thinking about telling him that I didn't tell him the truth, and tell him the real reasons why my grades dropped so immensely. But I don't know what he'd say, do, how he'd react, if he'd feel overwhelmed by it, if he'd go tell it others (which I actually doubt). I have lied to so many about my bad grades and the reasons, actually I have lied to anyone. Because I couldn't tell them. But only when I lie to Jojo about them, I feel weird. All in all I am an honest person. Yet, I can't seem to gather the courage to tell people the real reasons, tell them about my feelings, about the scars etc. Sometimes, someday I will. And I wish that Jojo was the first. I feel so good around him, and there's something about him I admire. His attitude towards life, towards everything, his strength, his humor, his whole being.

I had a talk with my dad again today. Anytime before, this would have turned into a huge fight with him yelling at me, me yelling back, me running into my room, me cutting. He yelled at me. But I just sat there and listened to him, and then told him what I'd wanted to tell him in so long. That I wanted him to accept me and take me for who I am, that he shouldn't tell me what I said two years ago and accuse me of not doing what I'd planned and imagined, that I changed since then, that he mustn't believe everything my teachers say about me, and that he should stop telling me that I don't act my age. That's how the talk ended, with him telling me that I am 18 on the paper only. During the whole conversation, I looked him into the eyes, I didn't put my head down a single time, I know what I had to say and I had the right words for it. It felt good, I felt proud and I felt that I was being true to myself. It felt good. Good. Good. Good.:) I wasn't lying anymore. I haven't said a thing bout cutting and depression and stuff, but I feel that when the right time has come, I will be able to do so. When we were done talking, I went into my room, not to cut, but to go online because it was 6pm.

I am thankful for a day like today. I'm being me, and I have tears in my eyes because I am. I've never been that grateful in a long long time.

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