March 21st 2001

My French exam was ok today I guess, the questions on the text were not much of a problem but the translation of the French text was. M vocabulary knowledge sucks in French and so I found myself in the middle of countless unknown words that wanted to be translated. Ha. But I think all in all, I didn't do too bad. I'm curious about the result.
School was not exciting, nothing too unusual happened except for that French exam. We had a lot of fun in English class, Tina, Saskia, Kathrin, Julia, and I, we were childish like never in a long long time. It was nice to laugh about the silliest things, and it felt good. Also, for the first time, I felt totally worriless and free in school. Somehow, all the pressure was taken from me from one moment to the other. I realized it the moment it happened. It was a beautiful feeling that replaced my feeling of not fitting in that I usually have. I can't explain why, or how my feeling changed, I was just sitting there and at once, I felt the change. It was a bit strange but in a positive way.:)

My mom and dad had a fight last night that lasted almost three hours, till 1am. When I went to bed at 11pm, I heard them talk in the living room and eavesdropped a few moments until I'd understood what it was all about. My dad was mad at my mom because she wasn't at home Monday and Tuesday evening. On Monday, she'd met a good friend of hers who only come down here a few times a year. And yesterday, she'd been at Turkish class and came home at about 10 because they'd still gone to a restaurant. I don't see any problems in both, after all she works and deserves her hobbies and pleasures too, just like everyone else. And I like it when she does things she likes. But my dad felt like if he'd been given not enough attention, that he was always left alone without enough too eat. And that my brother and I were always lazy and never did homework. MHe must have added many many other little things because he basically was just angry at my mom not staying at home. And I suppose he also was jealous. My mom told me all that this afternoon. She still was quite upset and mad at him. He'd apologized this morning, but that didn't make it any better. Sometimes I don't understand him.

I was quite tense when he came home, and I was almost searching for a situation for a sharp comment. It wasn't nice of me, but I couldn't help it. I don't exactly know why, it was just a need I felt inside. I only dropped one sharp comment but he didn't jump on it anyway. I thought my dad was feeling bad about their fight, but he didn't treat my mom very different to usually. If I'd been him, I'd have bought here roses or something, something that really shows her that he is sorry for it. I remember Siya once bought me the most amazing bunch of roses. It was at least 30 roses, and I was so happy about it. My dad should have done the same. I miss little deeds that show each other how much they are appreciated and loved. I buy little gifts every once in a while, nothing super expensive, just something to let people know that I care. I wish my dad had done something else, not only sent her an sms to apologize.

In the afternoon I suddenly had a phrase on my mind, 'let the bomb explode', and I came to realize that we should stop complaining about not being able to be who we are, and just be who we are, regardless of the consequences. I haven't thought that out yet, but it's a statement I need to put here, because it belongs to today.

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