March 18th 2001

You know how much it hurts sometimes to be me? When you're ignored, because the other person is doing ok and something wrong with you things? And they just don't give a damn about it? When it is someone you love more than your own life, and who's one of the few people your heart hangs on? I want to cry, and I wish I could just let go and cry as much as I can. I don't want my mom to see my tears, neither do I want her to see my red eyes later at dinner. I wish I wouldn't have to hide everything I feel. But it's another thing that has its roots in my past, another thing I feel is necessary to protect my mom and to not let her know about things she can't change anyway. I don't want to see her worried eyes, I know I couldn't live with them.

I didn't read the book I am supposed to write that essay about till Tuesday, my bookmark is still on page 10, where I put it last night. I haven't studied a thing yet for my upcoming exams, and somehow all I feel about is the sadness and the hurt that keeps me from writing them anyway. I will get my person in huge trouble if I hand in four blank pages on Tuesday, but I don't really care about that. It's worth not a single moment of worries. My other exams, not important either. I know I can't study for them, and with that, they become unimportant. I won't hide how sad and hurt and bad I feel at school tomorrow. If necessary, if things get too much, I will leave the classroom. I'd love to go for a walk right now, the air is cool and humid outside, it is dark and I would love to feel the cold fresh air on my face. But my mom would come along if I went for a walk now, and if my mom comes along, I can't cry the way I'd want to. What I need is put back again in order not to hurt my mom and not to make them worry about things they can't change.

Maybe my Economics teacher will take me aside after class and ask me about how I imagine my 'school career', it's the first time I'll see her after she talked to my dad. Last week, I once walked past her in the hall, and I felt that she was looking at me. I didn't look back at her, I knew she'd want to talk to me about the talk she'd had with my dad. The week prior, I'd also gotten a bad grade when she tested me. It was not my fault, I knew exactly the answers to her questions, it was her who said they were put into the wrong words. My parents have taught me everything about taxes, so I doubt that she can tell me that I put something into the wrong words when speaking about taxes. It made me mad, her ignorance, and the way she showed me, tried to show me, how much power she had as a teacher. She's one poor woman that follows nothing but what society expects her to, and there she was, standing right in front of the black board, looking at me sharply, telling me that I was doing something not to her liking, and with that, wrong. All I should do is feel sorry for her, but it seemed so wrong to me that she could play her power out over me. Eventually we'll have a test in Chemistry too, which I won't pass either. But it is not relevant.

It gives me a certain feeling of safety about my 'school career', knowing that I will switch schools next grade anyway, and that my grades until then don't matter. I don't think I could change them and make them better if I had to, so I am glad about that result. I'm glad I don't depend on teachers anymore, that they like me and give me good grades.

My network card is broken and I can't go online. I need to ask my brother later how much one costs and if I can buy it myself. He's been in a weird mood lately, very aggressive and unfriendly. It hurts to be treated bad by him, BY HIM. What we two have means the world to me. I wish he wouldn't ignore me the way he's been doing for the past two days.

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