March 17th 2001

I have been listening to Creed, LightHouse and Boyz II Men all night. I need their music because it is so much what I have been feeling. I feel very sad, burnt out, stressed out, ready to quit school, work, get rid of all the duties I've been given by others, the rules, whatnot. I'm extremely tired of all those things that limit me in being who I am, in growing and developing. I want to be completely myself, but somehow, I can't. By breaking all the chains that hold me back now, I would also break away from my parents. They wouldn't understand me. No matter what has happened, I love them too much. Looking at it from a certain point of view, I can say I'd rather give up myself than them. It's weird, and I find it a bit confusing.

I came home from work not long after 4pm, went online, had dinner, watched tv. II read while watching tv and went into my room later to concentrate more on reading. After all, I am supposed to read that book and hand in an essay about it on Tuesday. After 10 pages, I put the book again. I couldn't read it, I couldn't concentrate on the plot and I kept mixing up the separate characters. There would have been no use forcing myself and keeping reading it just because I have to, the result wouldn't have been good and of any use. So, I turned to my computer.
I wrote a poem tonight, a quite beautiful one if you ask me. Somehow, somehow it appears to me like if my writing had developed over the past time. Not that it has become better, but different. I've been getting more comfortable with it. Also, I uploaded a poem I'd written nine days ago already, Don't you Ever tell me. It was written when I was extremely angry at my dad. I think it shows, just how angry I was. I updated the page with my book marked sites. It's unbelievable how many beautiful and unique sites I have found recently. Every now and then there are sites that just let me be in aww, they just look so complete, so honest. Solace is one of them, I signed the guest book and was so unbelievably surprised and happy when I got an email from Angel, the owner, on Thursday, telling me she liked my site and the found me inspiring. I'd never thought of myself as inspiring, and I find it amazing that others see some relevance and sense in making my life readable.

I've been listening to music all the time, and every moment a song is over, I hurry choosing the next song of my Napster library. The silent moments in between are very short, no doubt about that. It's just a try from me to fight the silence, to fight the feeling of loneliness. It's different now. I always was alone, I never cared about it, I was happy with myself. And actually, I still am. At the current moment in time, loneliness feels cutting, ripping. It hurts somehow, but also somehow, it does not. It's something I have been used to on the one hand, but never have I felt it as cutting and hurtful as now. And it does hurt, it's like if I was trying to reach out to someone, for someone who'd just know, but pulling myself back at the same time.

We'll have dinner at my aunt's and uncle's tomorrow, with my grandparents. I'd prefer staying at home instead of having people around, but last week I said I'D come along and I don't want to make up some stupid excuse. It may be fun, eventually, if I have enough sense and awareness to pull myself out. I haven't done a thing on my essay, haven't even read the book yet. I haven't studied French nor Math. I feel like if I don't have the resources for all these things right now. I'll just let it slack and slip, it will find its place. September I'll have a new start again.

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