March 16th 2001

It's been weird two days. I skipped school again yesterday, the fourth day this week. I didn't feel bad about it. My mood suddenly changed when I met Kathrin in the afternoon, we talked in the waiting room of the woman that is responsible for my contact lenses. Accidentally, Kathrin and I had an appointment the same day, only 30 minutes in between. I wasn't being myself. There's no obvious reason because I can always be myself with Kathrin. It was a weird feeling that made me feel totally insecure and a bit confused. It lasted till this afternoon, now I have got myself back together. I was a bit afraid of going back to school today, of seeing the others again. I was afraid they'd judge me a bad person or so, or whatever. I just felt not good about going back to school today. I suppose that came from the feeling that I wasn't completely myself. But, today turned out to be an ok today. I met Armin in the trolley before school, and he told me about what kind of things had been going round about me. About me wanting to move out, quitting school after this grade, me not wanting to do anything for school anymore. The first two are correct, the third is partly true. In the beginning I felt totally displaced in class, until I realized that actually, nothing had changed. They kept asking me if I was doing better and what I was planning to do, etc. It was nice to hear that they were interested in my life.

Officially school ended at 1pm, but we still had those computer classes which lasted till 6pm. From school, I went right to my grandmother's where my parents were having dinner and I said I'd come a bit later. I was incredibly tired and not too keen on going there, but I did. My brother told me there he'd forgotten to pick of the package with the clothes I ordered on Tuesday at the post office. I'd been looking forward to them all day so I really was disappointed. An hour ago, we came home, when I took a shower and washed my hair, and now I'm sitting here. I'm still very disappointed and sad, and tired. A few minutes ago I looked at my new sneakers, which are in their box right next to the computer, and I imagined me walking away with them on my feet, wearing my new clothes. My new clothes mean a whole lot to me because I have changed, and I don't feel comfortable in my old clothes anymore. I will still keep wearing most of them of course, but I need to know there are also new clothes that were bought not in a time that I would rather forget. My older clothes all are from a very hard and painful time for me, and I am remembered each time I wear them. So, new clothes mean a lot to me this time, it's more me. I have changed, I am no more who I used to be, and I want to feel the new clothes. Clothes don't define my personality, but they help me feel good and like if I am myself.

I have been listening to r&b all the time while writing this entry, I am not too keen on trying to get myself into a better mood. I won't force me to smile when I actually feel like crying. In moments like this, I wish there was someone who'd just hold me and give me a shoulder to cry on. It may be unbelievable but I've never told anyone all of the problems I had, and then just cried and being hugged. I have never had an open converation with someone in which I started crying because of what was going on in life and what hurt me. I have never had someone like that. But it's just now that I really miss someone like that, I would really need to have someone hold me and let me cry. I remember when my mom told me that she'd rather have Siya and me not celebrate New Year's Eve with them, I cried my eyes out, in front of her, because it hurt me so much and I felt unwanted, unaccepted, and betrayed because Siya, my boyfriend at that time and incredibly important to me, wasn't accepted. When I told her all that I had on my mind about it, crying like never before, she told me to understand her, and that I was nuts for having the thoughts I had. She didn't hug me, no. I would have needed it. Now I would need it too. But not from my mom, from someone else. But I can't seem to make a step and tell someone. I know I have friends who are there for me always, I just can't start telling them about what moves me.

I don't know how I will go to work tomorrow, 9 hours are long without a break, and 9 hours without any motivation and no break are even longer and seem unbeatable. I can't call in sick, I did that in January already. And I wouldn't want to let Nicole down, she'd be the only one for toys/garden/household if I wasn't there tomorrow, and that would mean a lot of work for her, even more than she has anyway. I don't know. Maybe I'll see Mehmet tomorrow, or Muhic. That would be nice.

I wish, I wish I could put on my new shoes, and walk away. Being who I am, leaving this place and waiting till things have cleared up a bit. Today was a really long day, and yesterday was a bit weird too. And tomorrow I have to get up at 5am, and work till 4pm. I will have to read a book and write an essay about it that will be graded like an exam until Tuesday, I have to study French for an exam on Wednesday, and Math for an exam on Friday. And on Thursday afternoon I have to go to a doctor, but I am already thinking about how to cancel the appointment without letting my mom know about it. If she finds it out, she won't pay the $500 she said she'd give me for my trip to the US. But I can't go there.

I wish I had someone to cry on. Just this one time, I'd need someone. We'll see. Maybe things will seem all different tomorrow after 9 hours of work, when I had no time to think about things for 9 hours. But I'm not even sure if I want that.

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