March 14th 2001

The past few nights were hell. I couldn't sleep at all and lay awake for hours. Somehow, it really hit me now that Siya is not my boyfriend anymore. Before, it seemed ok with me, I could deal with it because I was grateful for the wonderful time we had. But now, now I realize what I lack, that that wonderful time is gone and finished, forever. I cried a lot and felt incredibly lonely. Siya was the love of my life, and it's just getting to me what I have lost. I miss him, he was someone who understood me, he held me tight whenever I needed it and made me feel complete. It's me who has to see that we're apart now, and that I am just as complete as I was with Siya. Because I'd found my soul mate, and had the best time in my life. I learned so much, I changed so much through our relationship. I am forever grateful, which doesn't ease any of the hurting. It will take some time until I will have realized that it was meant to be, but sooner or later, I think I'll be able to be grateful only, without being sad about the two of us not being a couple anymore. He's a part of me, will always be.

I have skipped the past three days. I don't want to go back there. It's no use spending my days there because I will quit school after this grade anyway, and my grades aren't important anymore. I signed up for my future school, for which only the grades I had last year are important. Which is good because they were quite good.. I'm supposed to have a report in English tomorrow, I'm supposed to go to PE after months, I'm supposed to finish an art project tomorrow. I don't want to go there anymore. What can they teach me, how to hold a pencil right? How to speak English properly? How to run 50m in less than 8.5s? They can't teach me a thing that I don't have to learn myself. I'm tired of it, tired of teachers telling me to work harder, of teachers that tell me how bad my grades are, of teachers that judge me by the grades I have, no by what I say, or who I am. The 'written me' is something I don't live up to. Honors don't equalize being a good person. Neither do F's equalize being a bad person. I hate it there, I'm sick if being judged. I was judged because I repeated grade 10, because I haven't been to PE for months, because I don't do my homework. I'm called lazy, whatnot. I hear it at school as well as at home. I'm 18. I'm alive, I want to live, I want to live up to my values. It doesn't bother me when my dad starts telling me how I will end up living on social welfare because of my attitude towards life. I don't want to get deeper into this now, I have done so many times, maybe too many. I just wish he'd respect me as who I am.

Reach will be hosted very soon, Nikki of disgraceful.org offered me hosting. I'm glad that I can get my projects hosted, it means a lot to me to get them off free servers. Not because I want to belong to an elite. But because I want them on a server that is not down half of the time, that doesn't make me feel bad by disabling the pop ups, whatever. Moreover, it makes me feel like if my work on my projects was appreciated, and that makes me feel good.

I liked the past few days, I want my life and my work to be as productive as those past few days. School is no place for me to learn. Wow I must sound arrogant. Maybe I'm just myself. Your choice. I don't want to go to school no more. Being 18 is grand.

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