March 11th 2001

Days like today are those that make sure I don't know where I'm standing in life. My dad totally freaked out on me because I told him I'd call my bank and arrange some money things later, and he thought I should do them immediately. A few minutes later he came back with a paper he'd written on his computer and that I was supposed to sign, it was something concerning my money things. I was quite angry about that because I consider those things my own business, but since he was mad already I didn't want to make him even madder so I signed it but also let him know what I thought of it. Not much later, he came back and threw all my bank papers etc. on my desk, including the paper I'd just signed, telling me the fax wasn't working and that from now on bank things would be my own business. Which is ok. I need to transfer the money for my US trip, all in all it will cost me around $2,000, phew!! I worked for that seven months, but I hope it will be worth it. In the $2,000 is already my pocket money for the two weeks in the US included, so that I can do some major shopping then.
My dad yelled at me and mom and when we both didn't bother after a while, we went into the basement. He does that when he's really angry, he goes there and comes back half an hour later. Very weird. He still was angry when he came back, but hasn't said a work since then. I don't understand him. There's moments he totally freaks out, and sometimes he's nothing but a nice person. He doesn't try to understand people around him, and often wants things done when he thinks they need to be done, without being careful about others. That's his problem. Mine is that I can't handle such things. My mom's is that she's been living with him for almost 30 years, she's been married with him for 25, and she's used to it. She doesn't say much about it. Just the past few weeks, she stopped bothering all that much, but maybe it's just a phase. Sometimes I really wonder if it wouldn't be better if they'd get divorced. I can't imagine them living together until they die, it seems impossible in my eyes. All the fighting and stuff.. But, a divorce is very very unlikely, my dad wouldn't get back on his feet again. He needs my mom in his life, but I doubt he realizes that.

I finally installed Megabook today, it actually was quite easy to figure out. Yet, it took me about two hours to edit all the files to my liking. It's the first cgi thing I have ever installed, and I am very content with the result. I'm glad I learned something new. I am happy as a little kid about having installed it on my own, as happy as I was last week when I figured FTP out.

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I just remembered I will have a report in English on Tuesday that I haven't finished yet. I started it last week, when I didn't know what else to do until 6pm (the time I may go online), and started working on the report. It's not a big thing, just a summery of a chapter. Yet, Jojo held a report too about one chapter, which lasted 45 minutes. Whoa. I'm actually not planning on doing as much as he did. He needed to be creative because he hadn't prepared the report at all, I still worked out some questions for him to ask afterwards while he was summing up the chapter in German class. But we'll see, it shouldn't be a big deal. I wish I had something more to write about, something about my feelings. But the past few days there hasn't been anything that made me feel great or worse enough as that I could have expressed and wrote about them.. I miss that, I really miss that..

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