March 10th 2001

I am very tired, although I only had to get up at 8am today because I didn't have to work before 10am. I had some sleep to catch up from last week so that was just perfect. Work was all in all nice, I had forgotten my watch so time went by fast, at least faster then when you look at your watch every other minute. Since my boss had off today, I didn't have any extra jobs to do, and could be lazier than usually. Yes I admit it. But I still had to tidy up the Easter shelves, there was a lot of trash that needed to be brought downstairs, and three people threw down glasses and I was the one to clean up the broken glass.

The acid of the car battery I'd accidently poured over my pants yesterday made a huge hole into them, unbelievable.. I only have one pair of pants that I wear to work, the others are too expensive as that I'd want to knee down wearing them. So, today, I had to wear the pair with the whole. Fortunately, my staff shirt cover it at least a bit. Yet, Nicole found it incredibly funny when I told her. My staff shirt, which I also poured acid over, looks like if nothing had happened. Argh.

My parents went out tonight and I spent two hours watching tv. I should have uploaded the rest of my files to the new server but I felt more like watching tv. I needed to rest, to just sit there and watch, without thinking or using my brain. I ended up crying when someone moved out in Big Brother because I found the scene so touching, and everyone else there was crying too. I'd felt like crying for days so that Big Brother thing gave me the rest. It's weird. Watched The War later, at least parts of it. Seemed to be a pretty good movie.

Very nice news today, Isabelle from burningsoul.com said she'd host ddk.:) Made my day.

You know what, I suppose the desire of happiness is replaced by the desire of freedom after a while. Yep I am thinking again. The past two days were good ones, days like those in my friends' lives - nothing bad happening. I was aware of the fact that my days have been good, I knew it. Yet, I never felt any completer than before, I never felt happy. Sometimes, I thought 'now, now I should be happy', not to force me to be happy, but it was just something that made me think. Today I spent a huge part of the afternoon and night thinking about it. I took a bath and relaxed. I felt that I needed to think about that, since it seemed to be important for where I currently am in life. I think, once you have experienced a lot, and once you have been through enough bad times, 'the desire for happiness is replaced by the desire of freedom'. And it's true. Once you have seen enough things over a certain period of time, you don't know how to be happy anymore, you can't. And then, then all you want is to be free. It makes completely sense to me, and it seems so true. I'd been thinking about happiness and what it was like for days. Voil�, c'est le r�sultat.

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