March 6th 2001

I wish I'd had more time to write in my journal the past few days. An entry every other day isn't enough for me, especially since there has been to much I'd need to write about. Sunday night, I decided to leave the school I am currently attending after this school year, and switch to another type of school, which only has grade 11 and grade 12. It's a quite big task for me, because it's totally different to the school I have been going to. I will work one week in a hospital, kindergarden, or any similar social institutions, and go to school one week, etc. I will only have a few classes instead of the 13 classes I have now. I'm looking forward to being able to work and going to school at the same time. Yet, I cried myself to sleep Sunday night because I thought about what I'd be missing then. I couldn't imagine what it would be like not to walk through the hall of my school anymore, and all these things that are so normal today. I cried a lot about what I'd be missing, but at the same time I knew it was the right decision. Last night, I cried again, but not as much. My brother was still awake when I was in bed and I was afraid he'd hear me, so I kept quiet. I fell asleep very soon though.

When it was almost midnight, my mobile phone rang. I woke up and it took me a few moments to realize that it was my mobile phone that was ringing. It was Jojo who asked me to do him a favor, he wanted to sleep in today and asked me if I'd hide the list the teachers fill in who is sick and sign it, right before school starts. That way, there would be no record of him being not at school. Jojo is responsible for that list, so he'd show up at 10am and say that he'd taken the list home on Monday, but actually I'd have given it to him right when he'd arrived. I was very surprised that Jojo called me and asked me that favor, and when I was lying in bed again, I was afraid I'd forget it or so. Yet, everything went fine today. It came to my mind what would happen if someone saw me or found out somehow, but I didn't really care. Jojo has often helped me, so it was no question that I'd do him that favor. I like him too much anyway as that I could have said no.

My mom and I went to register for my new school today. Everything went fine, and from September on, I will be attending that school then. It's a huge, beautiful, new building, much nicer than my current school building. Everything looks so fresh and somewhat professional, I felt good there. We had all the documents and the people there seemed nice. Sabine, a friend of mine, will go to the same school next year, so if we're lucky, we'll even be in the same classes. Which would be amazing because I'm a bit scared because I wouldn't know anyone there otherwise. So, I do hope it.. Sabine is a wonderful person to have around, and we had so much fun in grade 10, when we had the same classes.

My dad went to my brother's and mine Maths teacher today. I didn't know he'd go there, and I was quite surprised when my mom told me that he'd called her, in a very angry mood. When my dad came home, he first went into my brother's room, and closed the door behind them. I heard them yell at each other. I knew that my dad was extremely mad and that he was making everything look worse than it was. And I also knew my brother was just standing in front of him, telling him it was not all that much of a big deal, and that he wouldn't let my dad and what he had to say bother him. I didn't listen to them because I was ironing and watching tv at the same time, but their voices were loud enough to know that they were fighting.
After about 20 minutes, he came to talk to me. My Maths teacher had said that we, my brother as well as me, were the opposite of being interested in Maths, and that we lacked the basic knowledge in Maths. He must have said a lot of other crap about me, which is not true, and which I don't want to repeat here. A lot of small but extreme things that made my dad ask me if I still was sane, to be such a bad student. I told him a lot, a lot, especially when he told me again in this specific tone 'You're 18 Christina', with which he means that I am supposed to act like an adult. My answer was just 'Then let me be 18', meaning that I want to be taken seriously. He didn't get it. My dad said that my classmates, even the most stupid ones, knew when to sit down and study, and he had two smart kids that didn't know. I have become so sick of being compared to others. It's unbelievable, they used to tell me when I'd had a bad grade and I was trying to justify it in front of my parents, that I shouldn't compare myself with others, who had worse grades. But now, now they compare me to others. It's so damn inconsequent, and yes, it bugs me.

And, I have been thinking about Michael again. I still can't believe completely that he almost died. Because he wanted to. It hurts me so much, so much. During the way, I was fine, but now, that it is night, it's all coming back to me. I've been listening to 'how do I say goodbye to yesterday' for almost an hour now, and I am reminded of the wonderful days I had with Siya, how much they have changed me. They can't be brought back, and it hurts. I have tears in my eyes and I feel sad. My hands are cold, but I seem to feel a bit warmer when I think of when Siya was here. Life was perfect then, Siya made it perfect. But, it can't be brought back. And I can't let go, not completely. I still love him....

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