March 4th 2001

Michael tried to kill himself two days ago. I met Lisa online yesterday, and she told me. He ripped the chest tube out of his chest while talking to Lisa on the phone. She called a mutual friend so that she could call the hospital and make sure he gets help and doesn't succeed in his deed. He had serious inner bleedings but as far as Lisa knew yesterday, he was out of danger because of surgery that was done as soon as they'd found him. It hit me so bad that Michael wanted to kill himself, no matter how much clich� like it sounds, a part of my world or of the picture I have of the world was shattered. Michael has been one of the very few things and persons in my life that I completely trusted, and that were something like the base I have built my values on. Michael has always been a strong person, he's been like a big brother to me, he's taught me so much about life, and as time went by, I have come to trust him. Michael has always been incredibly strong, and that's how I knew him - strong. I always knew that every human being was weak at one time or another in their lives, and I knew Michael was sometimes too. Yet, I never thought he'd every try to kill himself, he's always been so much of a fighter. When Lisa told me last night, I didn't cry. I felt the need to cry, and I wanted to deep inside, but in the moment she told me all I felt was confusion. I didn't know how to deal with something like Michael's suicide attempt, something that just didn't want to fit into my world picture. Not Michael. Not now. No suicide attempt. While I was talking to Lisa, I was logged into my mailbox, and I saw the email Michael had sent me on Tuesday. He seemed not in the highest mood, but he said that he was doing ok, except for his health, and it really seemed like just that. But I don't know, he might have gotten bad test results back between Tuesday and Friday, I don't know, and that may have made him want to kill himself. Today I have been a bit out of concept, it's a feeling like if I was standing next to me, watching me. I've been a bit confused still, and I don't know where to put that suicide attempt. It hurts a lot to know that someone who means so very much to me is in so much pain, which even causes him to try to kill himself. And it's Michael. It's difficult for me to sort this out, I don't understand it. Not in the current situation Michael is in. But it must have been too much for him, and that again, confuses me. Although I know it shouldn't.

I've known about that since last night. I went to bed right after Lisa had told me and got up at almost 11am today. It was my grandma's birthday, so we went out for lunch at a Greek restaurant. My other grandparents and my parents, my brother came along too of course. It was a nice afternoon, all in all, except for the feeling that I wasn't complete myself.
At home, my mom said I'd have to go to the doctor tomorrow, that she'd make me an appointment. 'You know that you have that appointment tomorrow don't you' were her exact words. She'd made it over a month ago, with me knowing about it, but I'd forgotten about it. I don't keep appointments on my mind if they are over a month away. I told her I wouldn't go because I was scared and because I'd needed mroe time to get used to the thought of it. It's true. My mom said that was not very 'adult like' and all the things that make me so mad, that make me feel not taken seriously. A few minutes later, my dad came into my room and asked me why I didn't wnat to go and stuff. I didn't want to have one of those fucking talks about my attitude towards life and about school and about that my life is totally messed up. Not tonight. After a while I said that everyone always expected me to understand them, but that never anyone tried to understand me. My dad looked desperate and sad, and he asked me what I wanted others to understand. He wanted me to tell him so that they, my parents, could help solve the problems. He really was serious about it, and I did see how sad he was. For the very first time, he showed it. I said I coudln't talk about it now, without having thought about it. Which is true, I can't tell my parents that I cut and why my grades have dropped without having thought about it before. I promised him I'd go to that doctor in two weeks. I will have to, because I promised. So, before tomorrow in two weeks, I will have to tell my parents that I cut, and that I have scars all over my arm, and that I don't want anyone to know about them. And that that's why I haven't attended PE class for months and why I don't want to go to doctors anymore. I didn't want to talk to my dad, to my mom about the slightest thing to do with school or my life, it was enough for me to think about Michael, and to cope with it somehow.

And now, now I'm sitting here, and I'm feeling tears in my eyes. Life sucks. The world is nothing but fucked up. While some singers earn millions singing of a good and holy world, with true love, wonderful boyfriends and happiness, a 19 year old guy rips out his chest tube because he wants to die, after 18 months of chemo therapy? That just doesn't go together, and it hurts.

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