March 2nd 2001

I spent almost four hours yesterday trying to figure out ftp. That's wrong. I spent one hour figuring out ftp, and another three hours with uploading the files of DDK. I had a whole lot to change and update, and I found it quite confusing after a while. When I went to bed I realized how concentrated I'd been the hours before because I couldn't sleep in quite a while. But, DDK is finally up now on the new server, and it's hosted. It means a whole lot to me, not because I belong to an elite now. I think that DDK is a clique with a really good reason behind it, and that it deserves being hosted. Jan from divine.nu was nice enough to take us in. Very nice of him, I think.:)

I left school yesterday after 5 classes, I'd have had PE in the afternoon, and I still am afraid that anyone else will see the scars on my arm in the dressing room. It's something I really do worry about. I haven't been in PE for ages, and I know that it's getting suspicious, that it starts looking like if I skipped every time. Well, I do, but not without a reason. Next week we won't have PE, but in two weeks again. Until then, I must have told my mom that I cut, and about the scars. But how do you tell your mom that you hurt yourself? I'm afraid that I'll have to go into a hospital, and I know they couldn't help me there. I have to help myself, no one can help me. I am not sure how my mom would react, I'm scared she'd think I am a psycho, insane, whatever. I don't know how to tell her, how to explain something to her she's never felt. But I do know that I won't go to PE anymore.

I'm looking forward to working tomorrow, I have been since Wednesday. I have to get up at 5.24am, but not even that is a reason for dreading Saturday anymore. It's cool. WHen we were grocery shopping (at the store where I work), I met Muhic. He was obviously sick and had the flu, but he was at work though. It was obvious that he wasn't doing too great, but he smiled when he saw me and asked how I was doing. Muhic was busy so we didn't get to talk a lot. But he told me to work sometime during the week a few hours, so that on Saturday, I'd have a break then. I suppose he said that because he'd want to spend that break with me then. I can't say why, it's just a feeling I've got, and the expression in his eyes. But, as I said, I have nothing that would prove it. Yet, once I have a feeling about something, it's usually right. I definitely wouldn't mind spending my break with him, I would really like to get to know him better. Muhic seems to be a very nice and interesting guy, someone I wouldn't mind having around often. But that goes too far now I think.

Mr Stiller, the guy from the travel agency, stopped by on his way home and brought me the stuff for my exchange program, he'd gotten everything today. Well, I got a backpack, and some information. Nothing on my host family yet. It said I'd get the address where I'd be staying two or three weeks before I leave Germany. I hope I'll get some info on the host family too, I'm curious. The backpack I got looks quite nice, I will have to have it with me at the airport, so that it is easier to see who belongs to the group. And as ticker with my name, and 'Los Angeles' on it. Ookay. At least the backpack is more decent than the blue shirt I had to wear almost three years ago at the airport. Someone who works for the German organization comes along, so that we, the exchange students, aren't alone on the flight. I consider that totally useless, like if we weren't able to get on a plane and get off again without any help. Weird. It says I will be staying in Chino, CA. I couldn't find it in the atlas, which made me wonder.But it also says that it is a fast growing community of 60,000 people, and eventually it didn't exist yet when my atlas was printed. Or it was too small. But it says its history goes back a hundred years. I'll figure it out. It must be right by the ocean, yay. At least that's what the description says.

I now post at Dodo's blog, I was so happy when I saw her pm this morning. It means a lot to me that I may post with so many nice people, and it makes me feel good that Dodo wants me to post there too. Makes me feel appreciated, really.:) Also, I now can post at Roxydoll's UBB, finally. It took a few weeks till there were open slots again, but now I'm in. And, I think Immortal will be opened this weekend, I have a good feeling about it, a really good feeling. In online life, everything has been going so well the past few days. It's almost perfect, I may say. Nice.

I was invited to Armin's party tonight but I can't go because I have to work tomorrow and get up early. I would have loved to go there, Flo, Jojo, Jos�, Michael and others are there too. We'd definitely had fun, well, I think I'm missing something. Yet, it's better. I know I'd drink too much there, at least too much for getting up early tomorrow. But my parents will be on vacation in three weeks, so then I'll have a party here. It's still a pity that I can't be there tonight.

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