February 26th 2001

It's night again, and I feel somewhat safe and protected. While others are afraid of the night and the darkness, I feel safe and comfortable. I like to know that everyone else around me is sleeping, and that I am the only one awake, and that I'm alone. It makes me feel good to know that no one will walk into my room the next moment and tell me to do the dishes or whatever. When I am awake at night, I know I'm missing nothing anywhere else. The world is sleeping, and I can be alone and watch.

It was a nice day today, I woke up before 10am which surprised me a lot, and got up a few minutes later. I spent most of the morning online or on the kitchen, making lunch for my brother and me. I had great fun with him today, he was in an extremely good mood, funny, everything. He told me about the party he'd been to Saturday night, and told me he didn't remember about 2 and a half hour of it. I found it nice that he told me, and it made me feel warm inside that he trusted me that much. My parents would have freaked out if they'd known that he'd been drunk enough to not remember a part of the night. My brother's friend told him the next day that he'd also smoked a joint, but he doesn't remember it. I don't know, it may have been one of the stupid jokes 16 year olds make when they want to fool a friend. But it isn't important because I don't see too much of a problem in my brother smoking a joint either. I know he won't do it regularly like some of his and my friends, and I think he should have tried it once in his lifetime. As long as he's not addicted to it, what's wrong. I have never done drugs, but I want to know what it's like to smoke a joint. It's very likely that I'll try sometime. I think you should have tried everything. I want to know what it's like, I want to gather as many experiences as possible. I want to know what I talk about when I talk about smoking joints. My brother also told he'd drunk mostly Vodka. He's a huge guy so he must have drunken a lot of Vodka. But forgetting 2,5 hours of a night isn't bad either.. I remember when I was drunk at school, there is 30 minutes I don't remember either. The day after that, a couple of people that go to school with me told me about things I'd said. I don't know if they were true or not, but I think they were. Nothing bad or unfriendly, just gave answers that didn't make too much sense. Being told what I'd said, I found it even quite amusing and funny. Anyway, after the hangover I'd had, it was ok to laugh about it.

I actually wanted to order two pairs of pants, a shirt and a pair of shoes today. But, they said that they'd get the stuff not before mid March. That really pissed me off, after all, I got their catalog at least a week ago, with stuff they get in two weeks. I wanted to get the clothes soon and I was really looking forward to them. I still am now, and will be for the next two weeks or so. At least they had the shoes I wanted, black Adidas Country Tripple 4. Hmm. I will get another pair of shoes anyway when I am in the US, so I didn't want to spend too much money on shoes here. Worked out, a bit. At least I didn't buy the most expensive shoes.

So far Reach has seven members, which isn't all that bad considering that it's been up for just a few days. I'm glad that people are interested in the project and support it. It means a lot to me that projects I make get popular, at least a bit. It's different with Immortal. Immortal is so much a part of myself, it was not made to get a lot of hits or so, Immortal has been made to satisfy me and please me. And it's been doing just that, so far. The ToyBox is a bit touchy though, I have too many adoptions that make the site appear too cute. Bah not my taste, I will probably get rid of them again. But yes, I do think a lot about that.

Last night, after I'd gotten offline, I felt like cutting, I couldn't see the specific reason but I felt something, there was a reason. I looked for my knife, when I'd found it I realized that it was the one that was blunt. I searched for my other one, but I saw that it was almost totally blunt too. Yet, I cut four not very deep streaks into my arm. I went to bed right afterwards and felt like if nothing had happened, like if I hadn't cut. This time, I hadn't seen the blood run down my arm, so it wasn't 'real', or let's say different to the other times. When I'd realized that both knifes were blunt, I panicked a bit. I wasn't totally upset but I felt uncomfortable. I fell asleep very soon too and woke up this morning doing fine. I looked at the four short streaks not long after I'd gotten up and wondered that they were hurting a bit, not much. Yet, they were just small, short and not very deep cuts and they hurt. I felt them.

<<<