February 25th 2001

All in all today was a nice day, with some very weird moments though.I thought about what thsi life is actually for, what it makes a life worth living. I'm not even sure how I came to that topic, but I was stuck with it for a while this afternoon. Because all you do is get up every day, go to school, come home, and everything starts all over again, without any major differences. I'm not even sure how I could put a real meaning into a life, and what the sense in life, in my life, can be anyway. I'm not sure about it. Yet, I should think about it, because if I don't have an idea of the sense of life, I can't build a future either. My thinking this afternoon made me think that it was unimportant what I did, that it wouldn't change the future anyway. This can't make sense to anyone but me, and I don't even know if it makes 100% sense to me. But I seriously thought about what this life is for, and I got myself feeling a bit lost, maybe. Like if nothing was worth the work anyway, especially those things I don't like. Because someday, we wil lday anyway, no matter if we only did things we liked and that brought ourselves further in life (whatever way that may be), or if we worked hard and achieved things that seemed relevant to others, if we were 'successful' and had a 'meaningful' life. I want to think about this whole thing and clear up my mind about it, but I don't feel like if I have the energy to do this still tonight. I know I can't get rid of the thought and that it will be with me until I have found a solution to that answer that satisfies me.

When I got up this morning my parents were gone for a walk. I like it when I get up and no one is home, when I have time to really wake up and to get myself together before I'm asked how I slept and when I'd be home from school that day, and basically telling me where my lunch would be etc. I usually don't remember those instructions anyway because I'm halfway asleep. I went online for a while and changed some things on the site, fixed some minor things here and there and finished a review. It's been so difficult to write reviews lately, mainly because my ideas of a good site have gone up quite a bit lately. Probably because I am one of the few that spend weeks on the content of a new site only, and that I expect others to do the same, somehow. It's not really fair and I'm working on it.

My brother came home at around 11am, from a party. I doubt he slept a lot tonight but he was in a good mood and wasn't drunk, but I smelled that he had drunken. Nothing unusual and nothing that makes me worried, he's a guy of 16 years. How could I complain about him getting drunk anyway, I don't have the right to say it's wrong. My brother didn't even laugh at me when I'd come home from school, drunk. He didn't ask, just took it as a given fact. I really appreciated that, very much. I'd just finished my application stuff for the exchange program to the US in April, and asked him if he'd take it to the post office for me. I thought it'd take a lot of time to convince him, but actually, he said yes in an instant. My brother has been in a good mood all day today, but went to bed early. I want to get drunk again too, let's see if I can meet up with Flo and Michael Tuesday or Wednesday. They are always up for it.

My dad had one of those talks about school with me again. As always, I listened, or pretended to listen. I didn't want to make him feel ignored or misunderstood. I just can't always say that I agree with him, because I don't. I have told him the way I see things so many times, I am tired of it and now it's easier just to pretend that I listen. It's the same things over and over again, because it worries him a lot, of course. Yet, what am I supposed to do about it now. I am glad when I get my life under control, with only me making decisions. I don't need anyone else telling me what to do, it only causes confusion. Not anymore as a while ago, but still, a bit. My past is still a part of me.

I found a site about self injury today, and spent quite a while there. When I read the faq about what self injury was and why it was done, I read about the half of it, but then I had to close it. I felt torn inside, and felt like crying. I felt very hurt, and I can't explain exactly why. I know it was because of the faq, but that's all.. I totally paniced about the site and the content of the last few paragraphs. Before that I'd also taken a survey about the topic, self injury, and I felt just fine. Weird how that changed in an instant.

It's late, and I am looking forward to laying in my bed..maybe I will wake up and feel the wind in my hair..

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