February 21st 2001

I'm not sure where I'm standing at the moment. I feel that I am motivated enough to keep putting enough energy into school for the rest of the school year as I have the past few days. On the other hand, I am not sure where it will take me, if it will take me anywhere anyway. It's difficult for me when you are so high and then someone kicks you somewhere, in the smallest spot that is not completely prepared, and you fall down again. It's a difficult situation that confuses me a bit. I'm not sure where I'm standing, and that is the reason for all the confusion. Not knowing where you stand must be one of the hardest and weirdest things. I know I keep repeating myself but it really confuses me. Not knowing on which side exactly I am standing, if I am standing, or if I am about to fall again, if I'm looking up or looking down.

But I have a very strong will now and I doubt I will fall again, I've got the feeling I remain myself now anytime. I have a feeling that I now have found who I really am, in spite of the current confusion. But that will change, and then I will feel completely right.:)

I've been thinking about getting two new pairs of pants, and a long skirt. I have the feeling that I need new clothes to express the new feeling I've got about myself now, the clothes will cost me a good amount of money but I feel the need for them now, not just the feeling I have when I want to go shopping. I feel it, somehow, that I really need them now. Does, or will ever anyone understand what I mean?

Michael has decided to quit chemo, that means he has hardly any time left before leukemia kills him. At first his decision seemed a total shock to me, and I doubted his seriousness about it. Lisa told me about it. But I did Michael wrong, his explanation definitely is reasonable and understandable. He doesn't want to spend the last of the days he's left in a hospital, and neither does he want to die in a hospital bed. Lisa also said that Michael was aware of that he might choose a few months without chemo over a whole life. But after 18 months of chemo without any real improvement, Michael doesn't know how to go on, his body is week and he is at a limit of pain that is bearable. Eventually Michael will go to Lisa, and spent his time there. I have tears in my eyes and it hurts to know that someone like Michael will die in a reasonable amount of time. But maybe he will still be in California when I go there in April. I'm not sure if that would be ok with Sam (who takes care of him and is in charge of his case), but I would like to see him once in my life, once in my life I want to look into his eyes and hold him. Michael has always been the kind of friend that you knew would always stand like a rock next to you, although I've never seen him. As a closest friend, I love him more than I love my life, and it would mean the world to me if I could see him once. I want to show him that whenever I said I loved him (as a friend), and that whenever I said that our bond could never be broken, I meant it with all my heart. That's my wish, and I know I could easier go on if I'd met him once in person. To hold him and tell him that I've always been a true friend to him. Always and forever, a true friend.

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