February 21st 2001

It's been a while since I last really had time to write a long entry, one that actually says something about my life and one that can go a bit deeper into things and details.

On Monday my parents and I went to an information evening at a different type of school than the one I am going to at the moment so that I have am alternative if I don't manage to make grade 11, and I will also sign up for it so that if I really fail, I can go there. It is a school that has the grades 11 and 12, but you have classes as well as take part in three prakticas per school year. You can choose between different sections, and if I go there, I will choose the social one. I am not 100% sure if social would me my field, but it would be worth a try at least.

I came along with my parents with the thought in my head that it couldn't do no harm if I came along, and I was totally sure I'd get through grade 11 anyway. It was a nice huge school building and it was an interesting evening. Attending that type of school really is an alternative, one that actually sounds good to me. If I wouldn't only have to leave my friends on my current school, if I didn't have to leave them back, it would be no question that I switch school types. But, having the friends I have, I will keep going to my current school.

I've been very motivated the past three days, I listened carefully and my notes were the best and most exact I've ever taken. I studied a lot and did my homework. I studied for each class more than necessary, and I felt good about myself, and about me putting effort into school. My homework was done just great, I wrote the best French essay ever, maybe because I spent a lot of time on it and kept improving it until it was perfect in my eyes.

Today we had Chemistry, my teacher didn't have a test on the last class but immediately started of with some experiments. 20 minutes before the class was over, he said he'd now ask someone to analyse the experiments. He was about to test, to pick someone, and it hit me pretty hard. I calmed myself down by saying that it'd often been someone else when I'd had a feeling that it would be me who'd be tested. But, my Chemistry teacher did choose me, he wanted me to analyse the experiments. I couldn't. I didn't even try. I could tell him everything about the last class, I knew it perfectly, but I wasn't able to analyse those things. Somehow I have the feeling that he knew that, and that he just wanted to give me a bad grade again. It took me a few moments until I realized I'd been tested and failed again in Chemistry, anohter bad grade. The motivation I'd felt all day turned into sadness right after, and into a bit of hopelessness. It hurted a lot, for once in so long I felt like crying right after having gotten a bad grade. I had tears in my eyes and was very sad. I can't explain why I didn't even try but said from the beginning that I couldn't analyse them. Armin asked me later why I hadn't even tried, but I couldn't explain it. I didn't even know myself. It was wrong, and it killed a part of the motivation I felt. A huge part. That teacher was working against me, there's no doubt about that. He couldn't even keep stupid comments to himself. I don't know what's up with that, and I don't know what was up with me.

On Monday, my dad went to my Physics teacher. She said that I only nodded with my head all the time when I was asked something. That is not true, whenever I'm asked, I do answer. Every now and then, the answers are wrong, but nobody is perfect. And I never just nod, that's crap. And she said she felt fooled by me. How for God's sake should I fool her?? SHe says that I only nod all the time, also when I'm asked a question. That's so far from beign true, and I don't even know where she got that idea from. That's crap, it's simple as that. I can't believe how my teacher can say something like that. I wish everyone would be myself for a day, just to know what feelings I have about certain things. And that for one day, they could look down on their arm and see scars. For one day. They'd be confused enough to treat me better for the rest of my days there. It's not fair, why does she do that to me? Do you have an idea what it is like to explain your dad, who is convinced that your teacher is right, that you do not nod all the time, also when you're asked something? It sucks, and it made me feel so worthless. Everyone looking down on me, saying things about me that don't even come near to my person?? Come on, nodding all the time? Am I sick? In that way??

I was sad all day because of that Chemistry thing, and it still saddens me when I think of it. I don't know why teachers work against me. I don't deserve it. Am I supposed to show them scars so that they believe?

I had pictures taken today, in the size you need them for passports. It's unbelievable how terrible I can look in such pictures. I need them for the application letter for the exchange program. I wish they looked a bit nicer, but at least they are not as bad as my last ones. I got some more for my student card and also for my passport, next week maybe. On the way home from the photographer, I met my granma, and we walked home together because she'd have dinner with us anyway. It was nice having her here, she seemed so glad and happy about life, she laughed and smiled a lot, and was in a good mood. My dad was too, until she said she'd wanted new doors for her whole house. He was quite upset about it, telling her how expensive it would be all in all etc. etc. I suppose he still is upset, although my granma left almost an hour ago. It will be a topic to fill the rest of the evening with.

After this I will finish the whole application thing for the exchange program, I have to sort the pictures I'll send along, write explanations for them, finish the letter to my host family, check it for spelling errors. It is supposed to be sent out tomorrow, so I might have to hurry a bit, depends on how clumsy I am today. Looking back at the rest of the day, I am very clumsy today.

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