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February 18th 2001 During the past two days with my parents, I have started to go more and more on distance, and I feel extremely strong now, I have the feeling that now that I know that my parents don't stand completely behind me, now that my dad has told me, I am more independant than ever before, or I feel like it. I feel an extreme strength and trust in myself, in my own person. I am not willing to make compromises anymore. I don't know exactly what I feel, what I do know is that it feels like complete strength, that I can make everything I want, without being supported and having my parents behind me. My dad will go to some of my teachers tomorrow, to talk with them about me. I don't want to know what they'll say, it won't touch me anymore. Me living my life now is one thing, my dad going to my teachers is another. He's been treating me so badly now that I don't even think that I could care anymore. I feel above everything at the moment, and I hope it stays that way. It makes me stronger and makes me more aware of who I am. Last night when I went to bed, I cried for over an hour. It was an overwhelming sadness that I felt because I didn't feel at home lying in my bed, in my room. I thought my parents didn't look at me at their daughter anymore, and that made me feel so displaced, not belonging to here. I cried my eyes out and the thinking drove me crazy. I hadn't cried like that in ages, in months, maybe since my brother died. It was terrible, and I was afraid someone would hear me. I wanted to get rid of it all, I wanted to be alone, be on my own, be myself. However, get rid of my dad's prejudices and of him telling me I'd fail anyway. This morning I felt better. I woke up feeling that strength in me, and I still do. It's just my parents who have to wake up now. I spent a lot of time online today, also searched for some pictures of me to include in the application for the exchange program in April. I'm so much looking forward to it, it's unbelievable. I see myself walking somewhere in LA, I will be happy. |