February 17th 2001

I'd been waiting for the talk my parents would have with me all day yesterday, but it didn't come. I already thought they'd not talk to me about my report card, but when I'd come home from work and had had something to eat, I wa ssitting at my computer when my dad came in and asked for my report card. I gave it to him, and he left again. A few minutes later, he called me into the living room and my parents wanted to know what I was going to do. So I told them that I'd study harder. It's true, that's what I will do. My dad said I should be aware that I'd fail grade 11 anyway, no matter what I did now. He kept telling me I'd fail it anyway, and yet they asked me what I was to do now. That doesn't make sense to me - they say that I will fail anyway, and ask me what I am to do though? I told them a couple of timesthat I'd study harder, but they kept telling me I'd fail, and that I didn't even have a chance to make it. They didn't believe me that I'd study harder, ok, I can halfway live with that. But, they don't have the right to put me down like they did, that there was no way I'd make grade 11. If they don't believe that, they should at least keep their mouth shut. I know that my parents don't stand behind me, I don't even expect that anymore. But I want them to keep theit mouth shut if they don't think that they can support me. I cussed twice which made my dad mad, but I couldn't believe what he was saying and it made me really really mad. It takes a lot till I cuss. Even when it was just twice. Two damns can't be so bad.

We weren't getting to a point, my dad was talking all the time pointless things that didn't make sense to me, to me being the person with the standards that I have. My mom just sat there and listened or watched, sometimes threw a word in when even she thought my dad was getting out of hand, or what he was saying. He kept repeating himself, and after maybe 10 minutes, I found it too ridiculous and went to my room. I heard them leave for a walk not long after. I didn't feel bad.

When they came back home, my dad told me I wouldn't be allowed to go online on afternoons weekdays. I was just like yeah. Moreover, he will go talk to all my teachers. He doesn't have a clue about me, and now he wants to talk to my teachers?! Some will say I am lazy, and he will believe it, he will take every little thing they say for true, and won't even ask me about it anymore. And again it looks like if it is not me living this life. It sucks big time. And it's not fair.

I felt anger towards my parents today, real anger, the feeling of wanting to get away, more than ever before. I told them to take me seriously. But they said they had done so all the years. It's all not fair. And I am not willing to go back into the chains I once was in, not this time, there's no way back. Love me dammit

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