February 16th 2001

we got report cards today, mine sucked, as expected. When I held it in my hands I didn't feel all that bad, I'd been afraid I'd be totally down or depressed and kept telling myself that the report card would only show the result of the past five months, which I knew quite well and I also knew how bad they had been. I left the classroom right after we'd gotten the report cards and walked to the trolley stop. Fortunately, I met Chrissy there and I didn't have to stand with the rest of my class, discussing their report cards. It was a bit weird to talk to Chrissy after such a long time, and I realized how much she'd changed. She doesn't laugh as much as she used to, and somehow she's extremely grown up since I last really talked to her. She's doing good in school, which I am really happy about because she deserves it. Also, her professional dancing has improved a lot lately, and Benjamin is still her partner. She's still together with Markus, made her license two weeks ago, and is very happy. I'm really glad about that, she's worked so much and deserves it like hardly anyone else.

When I came home, my granma was there but she didn't ask about my grades, she knew that was the best she could do. My mom called 20 minutes after I'd gotten home and asked. She seemed so happy and in a good mood until I told her, she was speechless. I was ashamed, I really was because I knew I was hurting her and I didn't want to. Later in the afternoon my mom told she'd never been as disappointed by someone as she'd been by me today. I was very ashamed, and I told her I'd do better, btu she said she didn't believe me anymore. She said I'd been aware of the bad grades and hadn't done anything against them and to improve them, and that had been kindergarten niveau. Here we are again, kindergarten niveau, and again I feel not taken seriously. She went into the bedroom then and I watched tv in the living room. When my dad came home he went to her and I heard her sob once. We went to the grocery store a little later, my parents did the shopping and I had to work at 5pm. The atmosphere in the car was tense but my mom treated me a bit like usually.. My brother told me just an hour ago that my dad had known about my report card when we were in the car, on the way to the grocery store. None of them lost a work about it.

At work I didn't think a lot of my mom, and my bad grades, I was too busy with working. There were lots of new workers there today and I was told to supervise them. Ha, me supervising people that are just as old as me?? I found the situation amusing, somehow, and totally weird.

When my dad picked me up at 8pm he was very quiet on the way to the car, and when we took the short way home (not the long way, which I like much better), I knew he knew.

I saw pain and total disappointment in my mom's eyes this afternoon, and I felt so bad. I caused her the pain I'd never wanted her to feel, not by telling her about my phsychical problems but by my grades. I am sorry, what I'd tried to keep from her was kept from her, but it came in from another side and hurt her. I've never wanted to cause her pain, and I feel like if I had broken a coloured glass that looked so beautiful in the sunshine.

I've been thinking about telling her what there is to tell about my scars, or about depression. It may be the right point in time now..

Here I am, listening to What's This Life For, I just said my mom good night, she's going to bed. Saying it, I felt tears in my eyes.

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