February 14th 2001

It's been an all around beautiful day, I got up at 7am and waited till my parents had left a few minutes later, and then went to bed again. My alarm clock rang once every 45 or so but I just had to turn around to fall asleep again. I slept very deep and when I actually woke up, my alarm clock was ringing in its loudest tone already. I got up at 9.30am, went to the bathroom and later went online, and stayed there.:) I had some reviews to post and was extremely surprised when I saw how many emails I'd gotten, quite a few really nice ones. I was totally excited when I read the email in which I was offered hosting for my clique, that really made me happy because I'd wanted it hosted for quite a while. I didn't submit it to domains though, I think I'm just too proud to ask for hosting. And see, I am at the goal without begging, here I am. Heh.

When my dad had come home from work we went and bought a new lamp for my aquarium, the old one had been broken on Saturday but nobody had had time to buy one until today. After that we went to visit my granma. It was nice there today, not as tense as the atmosphere sometimes is. Everyone was in a good mood, really, and it was great being there. We had a good time and my granma looks good. She seemed happy that we came to visit, since that doesn't happen too often because every now and then she fights with my dad, who then, in return, doesn't want to visit her for a while of course.

So, yeah it's Valentine's Day, and every time they announced that for another and another time on the radio, I got a little sad. I thought about Siya a couple of times today and was wondering if he'd call and if he'd let me hear from him, but so far nothing's happened. I've been thinking about the days when he was here in Augsburg and about our time together. I don't want to lose him, I don't know what he thinks. I don't know if he'd call me crazy if I told him right now, that I wasn't sure if he still loved me and if I still meant something to him. I know and I feel deep inside, that he still loves me. I think I know Siya well enough to know that he loves me. Maybe I should stop doubting his love, because somehow, on the inside I feel that we both love each other very much. Yet, I haven't heard from him in so long and I've started thinking about it. I won't call his home because I know he isn't there, he is still in London. As far as I know Siya, he'll be staying there until school starts for him again in summer. Just a feeling I've got. I have a feeling of belonging when I think of him, and I suppose he feels it too, without having any provements. Yet, something inside of me tells me that it is right, and that we both still are the people that love each other as much as ever before and that nothing has changed. I don't need flowers to know that. *sigh*

My brother got me speakers for my computer this afternoon and I've been listening to many of his mp3's since then. Since his and my computer are connected by a network, I can easily access and play his mp3's. Most of them are rap and hiphop, I even found a French one which I actually like a lot. And Mike Oldfield's Moonlight Shadow.:) I love that song, we sang it a few years ago in music class and I hadn't heard it for ages when I saw that my brother had Moonshadow, and I made him download Moonlight Shadow. Lots of other nice mp3's, Cat Stevens, Alice Cooper, lots of rap and hiphop, Limp Bizkit, Papa Roach, U2, German hiphop, etc. etc. My brother sure has a good taste when it comes to music, and lately his taste in music has become a bit 'harder' - more rock, not only hiphop anymore. Ahh I can't believe how happy I am to have a brother, a friend like him. When we walked from the car to the front door through the garage tonight, he kept swinging a plastic back with cake and other things, and the bottom of it broke. It was so incredibly funny when all the things flew away, I was standing there almost peeing my pants. My brother laughs a lot, but only sometimes he laughs really hard, I love those times, and one of those times was in the garage. That was just too much, really.

I skipped school today as I'd planned and won't go tomorrow either. My brother played Basket Case very very loud this afternoon, and I remembered the thought I had when I was in my punk phase, 'punk puts the fun into life'. And I thought about the fun in my life, and decided to stay at home tomorrow as well. the past few days have been so beautiful lately, warm sunny days that put a smile on my face and make me feel free. I don't want to spend these days in school, in a building and a place where I often felt so bad and which result I still see on my arms. I don't want to spend such wonderful time there. I want to be at home, or be outside, be able to smile, enjoy the sunshine and be happy, be smiling and feel free. If I can never be totally free, I want at least feel like it now. I might go shopping tomorrow around noon so that I'm gone when my mom comes home from work. She needn't know that I skipped, she'd feel betrayed and she'd want me to explain why I'd stayed at home. And I'm tired of lying. However, I'm sure shopping will be nice tomorrow, I have quite some money to spend but doubt that I will actually spend everything. Moreover, I'll really need to have pictures taken tomorrow, for my application for the exchange program. I'm supposed to send pictures of me and my family, and also four pictures in passport size. Okay, will need to have some taken. My most recent ones were taken when I still had curly hair, wow..

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