January 18th 2001

I'm feeling ok, still having the flu. I got up this morning at 9, not because I felt like getting up but because my bed seemed too uncomfortable and used. I was quite surprised to see that my brother was home too, but it didn't bother me a lot. He's fun having around, even if you're sick.

I was supposed to study French today, I'll have an important exam next week. Instead I went online. Any kind of future events seems so unreal, so far away, non existing at the moment. It is very weird and a way I've never feeled about it before. Life if it wasn't reality, like if I'd be in the current moment forever. I can't explain why.

My dad had his knee surgery today and came home at 1. My mom had picked him up, and I have to admit, he should have practiced on cruches a little more before the surgery. He can't use them very well, it looks a little helpless. Although walking on cruches is not a big deal, at least not to me. He's been sitting in the living room since he came home, reading. But my dad seems to be in a good mood. I know it hurts, but he takes it pretty well. I don't understand his decision to comehome right after surgery, instead of spending three days in the hospital. Staying in hospitals definitely is no fun, but they have the special treatment there he might need if there are complications. My mom will stay at home from work tomorrow, for the case he'll need something.

It wasn't Siya who called last night, it was a friend of my brother. That means he didn't call me yesterday although he said he would. I know he's been busy scripting, but he could have called. It hurts me, and I feel a little confused about our relationship right now. I don't know what to think. About it. It's likely that I will call him tonight, but I probably won#t ask why he didn't call. It will be him to tell me why, I don't have any doubt about that, he knows he should have called. We haven't had a real talk in a week, and I miss it a lot. I miss him.
I need him so much now, and I have the feeling I need to talk to him about how I've been doing lately. I think I can talk to him about it, but I don't want to keep him from scripting either, and I know it would be a really long talk we'd have about it. I need to sort out some things, including that I'm not sure what to think about our relationship at the moment. I'm scared. But I know we are both strong, and that we have a special bond, that our relationship is not only puppy love. And after all, when he was here, he told me to tell me when I need to talk, and he'd be there for me then.

I'm just listening to 'It Feels Like Home', and I have to think of Siya, when he held me tight, when he was here. I need him now, to hold me, and to never let me go again. Never. There's no way I could explain why I think of Siya, and not of my family. Maybe because he knows more about me than my family does. Because he saw the scar, even if it was an old one.

<<<