February 12th 2001

I actually wanted to go for a walk with my parents but decided to stay here the last moment. I'm not sure why, because I'd actually been looking forward to a walk. Maybe it was because we'd have talked about school eventually, I don't know. However, fact is, that I am here.

School was ok today, not incredibly exciting but at least nothing bad happened. German class was boring as always, and we read a poem I could absolutely not understand, I had no clue about what the author meant to express. It's an odl poem, over 200 years old. It was really strange, of course the language was different, but also I didn't see the feelings expressed that he obviously had when writing the poem. I complained why we had to read such a poem, no one understood it and it was so exagerated, not nice to read. It does bother me when teachers say 'I don't know that' more than twice a class. My Economics teacher says it all the time, and I've started wondering what she does know. Chemistry was far from interesting. Religious Education is something nothing cares about, and I almost fell asleep when I had my head lying on my arms on the table. I closed my eyes and just then realized how tired I actually was. I could have fallen asleep right away, at least until Kathrin tickled me and I shrugged up. I'm extremely easy to shock when you tickle me. History was fine, three of my classmates had reports to hold, and then we watched a documentation about Friedrich II.
Two hours I sat next to Jojo, which felt good. When school was out, I walked out of the room and was curious if I'd find Jojo walking next to me. I did, and we walked to the trolley stop together. I asked him what he'd do if he was in my situation (when it comes to my bad grades), he seemed a bit surprised about the question, that I asked him. Jojo started explaining and started counting which grades I'd have to have in which subjects so that I'd pass grade 11. He didn't do it halfhearted and I had the feeling that he really cared.

At the trolley stop, he waited for those who went in the same direction as him, and I met Julia and Olivia. Julia has been great to have around lately, she's grown up and matured so much. I've got the feeling that Olivia doesn't really like me and that she feels uncomfortable in my presence. She sometimes glances at me from the side and when I look at her then, she still looks at me for a short moment, unsure if she should look away or not. She then looks away though. Olivia makes a confused impression on me, always. I think she doesn't know where she stands in life. At least I know that I'm not standing on top of everything. Ha good one.

Thursday is getting nearer and I still don't know what I can do about PE. What I know is that I can't go there without having to get dressed with the other girls, and that would mean they'd see the scars. I might have to tell my mom about it, if there's nothing else I can do. But how do you tell your mom that you cut? It seems impossible to me. I've got a feeling that I need to talk to Jojo about this, but I know that I'd go too far. I got the money from my mom today that she'd owed me, I'd paid a lot of school stuff with my own money lately and got it back today. I might go shopping with it tomorrow, although I don't really need anything new to wear. But it makes me feel good, and new things make me feel good too. They make me feel like if I could change my future by changing the present. Which I can't for known reasons.

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