February 11th 2001

I wonder why I stress so much about life, looking at it from a certain point of view, I have nothing left to lose. And I wish I would really believe that. I know I have my mom, my family. But maybe I have them only because they don't know certain things about me. I don't know. But I want to be able to lie on a meadow in the sunshine, I want to lie there in the morning, with my eyes closed and with my arms crossed behind my back. I want to feel the sunshine on my face and smile because I feel how warm it can be. I want to get up and take my jacket and just walk through town. I want to buy a bagle and look at everything.

I want to be walking through a town I don't know, and I want to be free. The thought of lying on a meadow and then walking through a city, with cars and lots of traffic and stuff, is my definition of being free. Walking alone, knowing that I have people that belong to me but that I needn't think about them to know that they are behind me, and that they know I stand behind them although I don't call every day or whatsoever. I don't want to go to school each morning because I have to, and I don't want to follow any schedule an authority person gives me. I don't want to long to live a life that is based on standards I so much despise, I want to spend time on earth during that my personality, my person and my soul can grow an flourish. I want to feel the sunshine on my face, I don't want to worry about materialistic things because I was taught that money was important.

I wish there were eyes that looked at me knowingly, knowing what I felt and understanding my values and beliefs. I wish someone would know me without that I have to tell. Someone trustworthy that I can tell my whole existence, my thoughts, my life, my whole being, someone who wouldn't judge me then and wouldn't give comments on things, someone who would just look at me, and know. How should anyone ever know when I can't talk about it. I feel not taken seriously and not taken as the person I am.
It stresses me unbelievably when my mom tells me to prove her something, and I say I'm old enough that she just believes me, and she then says she first wants to see that I can do deeds adults do in the way adults, grown up do them. And then, just then, she'd treat me like an adult. Not before. It's not fair, that whole thing with having to prove something makes me sick. Why can't she just believe? Maybe I should do something weird, something no one had reckoned on. Something that no one thought I could do. The way the world underestimates me will be my greatest weapon, but I'd probably feel so sorry for making my mom worry. Recently, as I've been thinking about it, I've realized how depending I've become of my mom. More than ever before. I feel bad easily about the slightest comments she makes in a direction that I did something wrong or so. It's not normal, and it doesn't bring me further, until I regain some of the independence I'd worked for so hard, I am stuck in the situation.

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