Febuary 10th 2001

it must be a cold night again, just like this morning. I left at 6.30am, assuming it was as mild as yesterday. It wasn't, we had almost freezing temperature amd I was cold although wearing my winter jacket. As always, I saw the bus arrive, and saw it again pass me at the end of the street. I didn't take a closer look if I knew anyone on the inside, as always. Since that is the only bus that reaches the grocery store before 7, I suppose a few of my 'colleagues' may have been there. It is a habit that I never look on the inside of buses or trolleys that drive past me, or that I see at the stop.
Work was exhausting today. The first few hours I spent doing stuff non stop, and there was a lot to do. I had the feeling that I did most of the work that Nicole, a trainee should have done. First, I was happy because I didn't have to tidy up the Carnival section, but Nicole didn't know that there was an end and kept giving me other things to do, fix the advertisement, hang up the new signs for the special offers, bring down the trash, make labels, fill up the place with the tumble driers. I was angry and complained at Mrs Blank who I work together in the same department. She too complained about Nicole being so lazy and doing nothing useful. She has too much time, last week she asked for a brush to brush the wigs, and later she spent ages looking for a mirror for the customers. Nicole is extremely lazy and slow, she only does the work she wants to do. Although she is not very bright, which is obvious when talking to her, she knows how to get out of doing work she doesn't like. I hate such things, really. I saw Mehmet twice today but we didn't talk a lot, there was a lot of work to do. He seemed stressed out and tired but it was nice to see him though.
When I was downstairs, bringing the trash down, I met Forster. He's a trainee, just as Nicole, but he's got something in his head, and he seems to be quite smart and clever. I was almost done when he came with his trash, and decided to wait till he's done too. We had a nice but not very deep going conversation, Forster is always nice to talk to because when talking to him you needn't watch what you say and we get along pretty well. He's not too much into work and stretches breaks when possible. Forster is younger than me, and so is Nicole. Most of the trainees there are younger than me anyway. I'd been looking to 4pm like hardly ever before. I was exhausted, I'd been sweating all day and I finally wanted to get away from Nicole who was extremely annoying and out of the store. I almost freaked out when Nicole told me at 3.55pm why I hadn't tidied up the things that had been given back by customers. She said it in a reproachful way, and I felt like if she was trying to make me thing that the is 'worthier' then me. This didn't hurt me at all, of course, it made me mad because I had tidied everything up. Stupid person.
My dad picked me up and when I was sitting in the car and looked outside, I realized that I'd tackled another day, another day at work, and that I was done with it and had time for myself now. Sun was shining and the view over the meadows at the edge of the industry district made me feel good and the thought of the highway behind those trees and meadows made me feel free, a little. I felt good about myself and about my life, for the moment with the nature and the sunshine.

My brother came home already today instead of tomorrow for some unknown reason. I personally don't believe what he told my mom and I might ask him about it when we're alone. It's not very likely that a local area network party ended a day prior than planned because one of the guys wanted to go home, even if it is the host.

The cat is sleeping next to me on my bed, she lies on my blanket.The thought of lying in my bed under that warm blanket, with my head on the pillow and relaxing, makes me realize how tired I am and how much I want to be alone and have a feeling of being free and deciding myself what to do, of being boundless. Lately the thought has grown that I can never be boundless anyway. I'll always be bound to someone or something, even if it's just in the slightest way possible. I will never reach anything like being boundless. Being free, maybe, but not 100% either. I long to be just that, free. I want to feel the wind in my hair, oh please..

<<<