February 9th 2001

I felt good and alive this morning, it seemed like a beautiful day. Yet, there were a few moments when I felt like crying. They were just instants and didn't last any longer, but they were there, and I didn't have an explanations. But nothing that went too deep and made me feel bad or so.

French class was canceled today, which meant I had off from 9.35am till 10.35am. I met Jojo not long after the break had started and went to the bakery with him. He'd been looking a little lost and unsure where to go and seemed to be happy to see me and have someone to spend the break with. I've got the feeling that he likes conversations with me. So do I. I can talk with Jojo in a way I can't talk to anyone else. The reason for that may be that he was there for me when I failed my first Math exam that year, I was pretty down and wanted to be alone. He followed me and asked me if I was ok and if I knew why it had gone wrong. Jojo didn't ask in the way my parents ask, or other classmates. He didn't judge me because I didn't get Math.. And he was there just to talk. It's not normal for me that I talk about my problems, but I could tell Jojo at least a little about them, about the Math problem. It felt good because he took me seriously and wasn't only pretending.
It was the same today when I spent time with him, I felt taken seriously. We talked about school, about me moving out, and about my parents. About my brother and about smoking, about money, about Saskia. It was nice, really. It's not often that I feel taken seriously, and I feel just that when I'm with Jojo. He's a good friend, I'm happy to have someone like him, who can make me feel something hardly anyone else can. Being taken seriously.

The afternoon was a great one, I was in a very good mood then, and so was my mom. We took my granma home and I fixed her computer. My mom and I went grocery shopping right afterwards. I was scared I'd see my boss because I was afraid she'd ask me about the excuse I hadn't handed in. I know, it's my own fault. I'm still scared, somehow, and flattered about what she will say. But actually I know I shouldn't be, there's nothing she can do to me. The worst would be that I am fired, and that wouldn't hit me all that hard. The only bad thing about that would be that I wouldn't see Mehmet that often anymore. But then I'd just go grocery shopping more often and stop by.*shrugs* I'm afraid of it a little, though. We'll see if I get it into my head that she can do nothing to me, I have time till tomorrow morning. Haha. Usually I'm pretty good convincing myself of things, so I hope it works out this time too. She can't do nothing to me, after all, and the worst thing that she can do is fire me. And if she treats me in a way I don't want to be treated, I'll just hand in my notice. Yet, I know that I'm in the wrong. Fuck it. My brother is at a local area network party, playing Counter Strike all weekend. That means endless online time for me tomorrow night. I will be able to do some reviews, but a huge part of the time will probably be spent working on my personal site. I want it finally up, and I've got the feeling I need to complete the content as soon as I can and fix some minor things, and then put everything into the layout. I rock don't I?

I'm tired, and I really don't feel like getting up at 5.24am tomorrow. I want to lie in bed and think of beautiful things. I want to see myself walking down the beach in Destin, and I want to feel the wind in my hair and smell the ocean. I want to smell the salt and the sand, with the wind in my hair. I want to be free. Free, boundless. Free.

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