February 8th 2001

Beautiful day, I really start thinking that now that it is getting spring, I feel better about myself. Things haven't changed, and sunshine still can't make my situation any better, but maybe it makes it more bearable. However, what I do know is that it makes me feel happy being the person that I am.

I went shopping today, bought a babyblue sweater, a checkered blousons, and a pullover. And a shirt that has newspaper print, love it. I spent a fortune today within only an hour, but it was worth it I think. I did get some nice stuff, and I felt like I needed to go shopping. At H&M, I first met Sabine, and later at Tally Weijl I met Tina and Babs. Wow, you meet more people when shopping than anywhere else. I hadn't seen Sabine in a while and was glad to see her. We didn't have a long conversation but exchanged the latest news, if you want to call it that. We once went shopping for bras, it still is an inside joke because none of us had spent $100 on a bra and a panty before. But they really were beautiful. I would have found some more nice clothes at Telly Weijl but didn't have any money left. Great store, elegant clothes as well as some original things.

School was just fine today, extremely boring but nothing negative happened. During break, I first went to the computer lab but left not long after because I couldn't do a lot online, we mustn't use cookies for reasons of safety, so I couldn't even check my mail. I was hungry and decided to the near grocery store. On the way there I met some of the people that have French class with me, a whole bunch of them. Victoria and Felicitas, of course, always with people around them, Hagen, stupid as ever, and Martina and Mathias. Hagen and I have an inside joke, we say ass hole to each other whenever we see each other, no need to explain why, but there is a short story behind it. I wasn't prepared for it and threw a 'fuck you' back at him. It was a bit extreme, I will probably tell him that I didn't mean it that way, tomorrow. It was just a reflex, whenever my brother says that I am an ass hole I say fuck you. It's nothing bad between my brother and me, we know when to take such things seriously and when not. But I suppose Hagen doesn't know that I wasn't all that serious about it. I will clear that tomorrow.

Today at school I realized that I was more and more getting to the edge of being an outsider. I wasn't teased or treated beadly, no, nothing like that has ever happened. It doesn't bother me, by all means, it's just that I've noticed that more and more often, I distance myself from the others, I do things alone more often and spend time without them, without feeling the urge to be with them to show, to pretend to fit in and to be one of them. I think I've finally let go of the feeling to need to fit in and be a part. I'm not sure where this will take me, but at the moment being, the distance that has grown between me and others at school seems just fine and not disturbing to me. I don't need the feeling of fitting in anymore, something I longed for for such a long time, almost all the time since grade 7. I feel free now, and without pressure that I had put myself under. Believe me, it wasn't always easy to pretend that you belong to the group of girls when a teacher walked by. I don't know why I wanted people to think that I fit in, and why I put so much effort into pretending just that. Probably I wasn't happy with myself, I always struggled with low self-esteem, and I thought it would make me feel better knowing that others thought I fit in there. Weird. Being alone and walking on my own through school doesn't make me feel bad and lonely anymore.

My mom and I have had a very good relationship lately, we laugh a lot and basically have fun being together. So much depends on my mood, and it makes me wonder sometimes what I can do and cause by 'just' being in a good mood. It makes my mom happy and smile..

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