February 7th 2001

I got up this morning at 7am. I didn't have to leave before 9am, so I had time to go online for a while. It was nice surfing in the morning, made the day start with something I liked. I felt just wonderful, I was totally content and happy with me being who I am. 100%. There's days when just everything fits, the clothes you wear are 'you', your hair falls just perfectly (while it doesn't disturb me when it doesn't), you have nothing to worry on your mind, you feel free. I felt like that today. It still was cold when I left but the sun was shining again and I felt just great.

The trolley was crowded, very unusal for 9am, but I got a seat and was lost in my thoughts, watching the houses go by slowly and being thrilled about the sunshine. Really, there's nothing like feeling the warmth of sunshine on your skin, at least for me. It made me feel good about me and the world. I could concentrate very well at school and actually listened quite carefully. Usually I'm somewhere else with my thoughts, or draw during class. I didn't feel tense today, and was relaxed all day. All day, every moment.

After school I met my brother in down so that we could buy a cable for my dad. I had to get money from the bank and he knew where to buy it, so we went together. I'd actually planned to give him the money so that he could go alone, I'd wanted to go shopping a little. But I wanted to spend time with my brother, so we went together. We had lunch at McDonald's, and wanted to pick up my mom from work when we realized that the door to the house her office is in was closed and there was no one opening when we rang. So we went home, got some Pepsi and chocolate because we knew we'd have to wait in front of the house for our mom, none of us had a key. It definitely was nice having my brother around, he's starting to really grow up, you can have conversations with him without that it is very likely that he'll say something stupid the next moment, or not taking you seriously. We've grown so close recently, and although some of our interests don't match, we both respect each other's interests. Actually, we're getting closer to each other when it comes to interests too.

I spent most of my afternoon online, doing one more review, working on the subpages. It's been nice working on my personal site, I still am motivated and very serious about putting it up and making it as stunning as it is supposed to be. I'm sure it will be a success, I have a good feeling about it.

I will write Michael again tomorrow. As far as I know, his health has been very bad lately and he has a bad time breathing. He's been undergoing chemo therapy for almost two years, and things haven't improved a lot, his test results still don't show the improvements they should show. Michael's body is tired, and his doctors said he needed a break from chemo, actually, but if he quits for a while, leukemia will kill him. A few weeks ago he also had knee surgery done, must have been quite serious since it couldn't wait until he's beaten leukemia. I wish I could hug him, I wish I could just tell him that he's not alone and that I've always been with him in my thoughts. In the beginning, when Michael had just told me that he had leukemia, the thought of someone so dear to me being in pain hurted so badly. It still does, and the feeling of being helpless and powerless makes me shiver. They can send people to the moon, but they can't do anything to help a guy that has a disease that might kill him. Michael has so much strength, and he's encouraged me so many times, he's been my inspirations for so many things. Lisa told me he'd been getting discouraged lately, and that all Michael wanted was to die. The thought scares me, it is so hard to imagine Michael lying in his hospital bed and wanting to die. I don't want to imagine it, it shatteres a piece of my world. I can't help it. Michael make it through it, I beg you. Please, for me.

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