February 6th 2001

don't you just hate it when you had to re-install Windows and lost everything, everything? My whole ICQ list is blank again, and now I'm sitting here waiting for people to send me a message so that I can request an authorization. Oh my.

School was not exciting, the break was unbelievably long and I was bored enough to read a magazine about ice hockey that Uli had brought to school. There weren't even jokes.*sigh* Also, I managed to spend the break without Saskia, at least a half of it, because she finally seemed to have gotten that I wasn't too keen on her company. Wow how fast that girl can be, took her a few weeks, that must be a new record. She's never been really quick when it came to realizing what's going on with her friends, if they like her, if they're mad or whatever, but this time she really was totally out of it. Okay. I rather not consider her a friend anymore, that's better.

Today was an extremely beautiful day, it was mild this morning, and it got even warmer over the day. At noon, the temperature was somewhere in the 50's, and the sun was shining. My brother has been in a good mood all day, mainly because the weather finally is good again and there was sunshine. Weird when you actually see the sky, a blue sky with streams of sunlight. It sure looks beautiful. I've been feeling quite good, the sunshine and the wonderful weather has lifted my mood quite a bit, and I look at things with a more positive outlook. I hope that stays that way for a while. I want to get a hold of everything, finally. I want to so badly.

My dad left the house a few minutes ago, I saw him getting dressed when I went to the kitchen, but I didn't ask because I thought he'd let my brother and me know when and if he goes. He did leave, but without telling us where. I just figured out that he was gone when the phone rang and he didn't answer it, I'd supposed he'd been still in the living room. Weird. I don't understand my dad, I assume he's still frustrated/mad/sad whatever about the fight yesterday, but it doesn't any good when he walks away without confronting himself with the problem. I don't know. I told him so much yesterday, really logical things, but he only saw that he was done wrong, and I didn't see in which aspects. He usually makes up other things, or brings up things that happened a long time ago, when he is mad and in a fight. That's why it is never easy having a conversation with my dad, they easily turn into fights. It's my fault too I suppose, because I always have the feeling that I have to defend myself. But yesterday, it was not mine. I used clear and logical arguments to show him that we weren't as bad as he thought. But well.. once my brother and I are in our rooms, he complains about us, talking to my mom, and then he yells again. Always. Once, a few weeks ago, we'd had a small, really small fight. Later that night, he complained about me with the unfairest arguments, things I said but they were taken out of the context. It was not fair. My dad didn't tell me that face to face, he told my mom in the living room. He thought the door to my room was closed, but it wasn't, so I caught some words and then listened of course. The next day, I asked my mom if he did that more often, and she said yes. I don't know why he can't confront me when there's something that bugs him. Ok, we'll eventually end up in a fight, but it is not fair when he talks behind my back. I'd not even known that the small fight back then had been such a big deal to him. Argh.

It's gotten difficult hiding the cuts from yesterday, I wore a sweater with very long sleeves today so that I could make sure they were all covered. It slipped down a bit sometimes, and I always pulled it back as quick as I could. It wasn't obvious. Last night I hadn't realized I'd been cutting so near my wrists, but I really do have to wear sweaters and blousons with long sleeves until the wounds are healed up a little. The scars won't be very visible because the cuts there aren't very deep, so I hope they heal up soon. Those cuts from yesterday hurt, and it doesn't look liek if they'd heal too well. I've got a not very good feeling about them, but we'll see. Every time I put my arm on the table, it hurted a lot. It'd never hurted before, not that much. Why is this?

Michael is in the hospital this week, he won't have a serious surgery done. Though, a week without Michael means no fun at school. Or at least less fun. He always has a sense for getting on teachers' nerves with his incredible sense of humor. I don't know how, and I've always wondered how he did that anyway. He says things with a meaning behind them, but puts something around them that makes them look like a joke, at first. I just love his humor, really. Looking forward to Monday. I might go visit him , depends on how he'll be doing.

French class is canceled tomorrow, that means school will start at 9.50am. That means almost two hours more sleep for me, yay. School will end again at 12.15pm, so I actually don't think that it is worth going there tomorrow, but I can't be sick again. Yesterday I was standing behind my teacher while he sorted the excuses, checked for the signature etc. There were quite a few of my person, and I thought that if I were a teacher, I'd get suspicious.

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