January 16th 2001

I can be as tired and as down as I want, Curtis Stigers always makes me feel better, a little more a whole person. It's a song with so many beautiful memories, tucked deep inside my heart, but also tucked in my past. Looking back doesn't always hurt, and listening to the song over and over again gives me back hope, and reminds me that I surely can smile. It gives me back something so essential, something that makes the current time in life easier. At least as long as I'm listening to the song, I know there is good in my life too, and it makes me almost smile.
School was torture today, I got up and felt terribly already. If I hadn't had a Latin exam today, I'd definitely had stayed home. But since we had figured out the text we'd have to translate in the exam, I'd have been crazy if I hadn't gone and postponed it. The exam went good, obviously, and I was done after 15 minuets. Writing down text you'd memorized isn't a big deal, and answering questions about Sallust isn't either when you sit next to someone like Kathrin who studied a lot. Everyone was in a good mood, and looking forward to their A when sshcool was out. It didn't bother me if I'd get an A, or not. The fact that I had just written a very good Latin exam didn't streak me the littlest, and I still was in my sad and melancholic mood. I walked with Armin to the trolley today, met Olivia and Julia, and actually tried to be cheerful. it was obvious that I wasn't as I used to be, at least it was obvious to me. I was glad when they had gotten out, and when I was alone again. When I came home I went stright to bed, and it felt so good to lie down. I felt the scars on my arm, and wanted to cry, but couldn't. I didn't have any thoughts on my mind, unless the terrible headache I had. I slept two or three hours, and got up just in time for dinner. I felt a lot better, my headache was almost gone and physically I was doing better too. I smiled, actually meaning it, and laughed a couple of times. The rest of the day I spent mainly online, working on my site.
At 10.30 we got a phone call, but couldn't answer it because the batteries of the phone needed to be recharged and it didn't have enough energy as that we could have switched it on. It only was ringing. I thought it was Siya because he's said on Monday he'd call Tuesday. I was happy that he was actually calling.
I'm tired, and still fighting with my flu. I doubt I will be going to school tomorrow, actually it is clear already that I won't go.

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