February 3rd 2001

I worked from 7am till 4pm today, that meant getting up at 5.24am. I left an hour later, and was just shocked when I saw how much it had snowed the night. I had to walk to work, about 20 to 25 minutes, and I wasn't sure if I'd make it there in time with all the snow. Walking was difficult because it was icy under the snow and the sidewalks were still full of snow. And it was still snowing. Walking down my street and seeing the snowflakes in the light of a car that passed me with an extremely low speed made me smile and realize how beautiful it actually looked, and what a wonderful winter morning it was. It would have been just a perfect winter day, if there hadn't been the fact that I was on my way to work. I had to work 9 hours without a break. Time went by quite quick, mainly because I spent an hour stressing myself about the sleds I had to bring from the third floor where the stock is to the first floor. It all started with Nicole telling me that my chef had said I should bring the sleds downtairs. I didn't see a problem with that. There was a whole lot of the silliest things that make me take an hour just to get the sleds downstairs. It really stressed me, I sweated because I had to unpack the sleds, then I had to put some of them back into the boxes and bring upstairs again, just to take others downstairs. That was around the time the grocery store was crowded with customers. It really was no fun. If I ever hand in my notice, then I'll know it is because of moments like in that sled story. I really can take a lot when it comes to work and problems and whatnot related to work, but today, today was really scary.

The good about today was that I met Mehmet all the time. He works in the department where they have all that stuff that needs to be kept in freezes. I like him, he's a very nice guy, always friendly, at least to me. He greeted me with 'hi beautiful' when we saw each other downstairs (where else), and had a conversation when waiting for the list upstairs. Whenever else we saw each other, we exchanged signs that we'd noticed each other. Nice guy, really. There's times I don't see him for weeks, and then I see him a couple of times a day.

It's the same with Benjamin, I hadn't seen him for five weeks, and yesterday I saw him when I was late for school, I saw him when I was at the grocery store during school break, and after school we met in the trolley. He's changed, it just gets obvious how much people change when you don't see them every day anymore. Benjamin now doesn't have his hair spiked anymore, and he wears shoes that actually have style. Looking at him, I saw a young man that knew who he was and where he was going. And that's exactly what Benjamin is. Although we don't see each other often, I'd definitely consider him one of my closer friends. He's got an incredible sense of humor and we have the same opinion about a lot, and the same attitude towards many things. Benjamin's cool, he's always nice to have around.

My parents went out to the theater tonight and I was quite glad to be alone. I was online till 9pm, and then went into the living room and watched tv, made myself spring rolls. I wanted to be alone, with no one around, and I wasn't too thrilled when my parents came home at 10.30pm already. I was watching mtv with an interview that interested me when they wanted to tell me in details about their evening. I listened. Only halfhearted, but at least I did. When Stuck in a Moment was on tv, I felt like if that song had been written for me. Not like the times before, when I'd been motivated by it, but tonight, it was more. You know the feeling when you're cold and you pull a blanket over your body? That's what it felt like, listening to the song and watching the video. I felt that since I know pull the blanket up, I will be warm soon. This needn't make any sense to you. I found it kind of ridiculous when my dad (who was watching the video too) said it was a nice idea that in one scene, Bono is lying on the ground and he is still singing. That hurt me, because to my dad, the song will never have the same meaning it has to me, and I know he'll never understand what a song can mean to me, and what this song does mean to me. It's something like a turn in life. No, it is the 'something' that makes me suspect that there is a turn ahead, somewhere at the horizon. And the sun rises at the horizon too.

I am very tired and want to be alone. I want to have no one around me, I want to have the guarantee that nobody will disturb me when I want to be alone. Once I want to be somewhere, knowing that I am totally on my own, without anyone opening the door the next moment and telling me with a big 'hi' the latest stuff or whatever, even when it is not intended to interrupt me. Why can't I have just that, the freedom to be alone and I want, when I need to be alone?

Oh..Kathrin called me today, just to say hi. I found it very nice that she called just to say hi, and that it was me she called. We had a nice conversation, laughed about silly jokes an 18 year old should't make anymore, and basically had a nice call. I found it incredibly sweet that she called for 'just that', just to say hello.

It is late, and I'm noticing how exhausted I really am from work. My feet hurt because I had to walk so much today, with my winter boots, and they are much heavier than my Vans are. And I'm not used to walking with my winter shoes that much, on one day. I'm almost in bed already, I might do some surfing without purpose, but other than that, I am done with my Saturday. I'm looking forward to lying in my bed, and being alone.

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