January 30th 2001

I don't know, something feels wrong today. First off, I have a headache, a really bad one. But that just happens when you're on the computer for a longer time. Next, I'm so tired. Not only tired that sleep would help, but more than that. I know if I go to bed early today, tomorrow won't be any different. It was the same yesterday.

Maybe I should have a break, somehow. I'm not sure right now, I can't think straight. What I know is that I'll have to iron some shirts later, hang up the laundry, and study Math and Physics. it's extremely likely that I'll be tested in both classes tomorrow. Math is like a deep hole, no matter what you throw in, it gets lost. That's the same with me and Math, no matter how much I study, it doesn't work out. I can't help it.

My dad asked me about my grades in Physics and Math today, and I lied about them. I said both were pretty much okay. I know it is not right to lie, but I couldn't tell him the truth, I had no choice in that situtation. I hate it when he talks to me about school, and about if my grades are ok etc. It's always been something I felt uncomfortable with, also when my grades are good in many classes. It makes me feel like if I'm judged by my grades only, and that the written me, what a paper says about my knowledge, finally defines myself and the person I am. It's my parents' view that grades are important so that I get a well paid job later. Sometimes it looks like if they considered that the only goal in my life. I wish I could tell them about what my standards and values are, I once did, but they talked and talked and wanted to make me realize that my education should be my number 1 priority, and a well paid job my number 1 goal. They seemed to want to force that on me. I don't know if they figured out that it didn't work out. I kept my mouth shut and have never talked to them about goals and standards and values anymore.

Tomorrow I will go book my vacation to California. It's all planned, and all I have to do is go there and sign it. For which reason ever my dad wants to come along. We'll meet right after school in town, and I hope it won't take too long. My dad loves telling others about his experiences and about his life, and since he likes the guy in the tourism office, chances are good that I'll be stuck there for a while, listening to my dad explain countless things. He can make simple things seem so unbelievably exciting and interesting, in never ending explanations and definitions.

I'm looking at my scars at typing this, and I feel so tired looking at them. At the moment being, I don't think that living is worth all the effort, struggling, and then, in the end, you lose though. You can never prevent yourself from failing. Or what I know is, that I, I can't keep myself from failing. If you look at it from a very pessimistic point of view, you'll realize that actually, everything is meaningless because everyone minds his own business, and when it comes down to it, there's nobody who really watches out for the other. I don't know. As I sit here and feel lost, undefined, it makes it even more tragical that I have tears in my eyes but not enough to really cry. I wish I had. Again I look at the scars and I wonder if those scars I have because I wanted to live, were worth it. They probably are, but at the moment, it looks like if the times I cut myself to turn my emotional pain into something visible, something that I can touch, were unnecessary and that cutting on the other side of my arm, further down at my wrists, would have made things easier.
I'm not thinking about suicide, by far not. But I don't have the faith in the world at the moment, I don't have faith in life, or in the joy of life, I don't have faith in a meaningful life.

I thought about that a lot at school today, and at one point, I felt like if I had totally lost everything, if you'd asked me my name, I'm not sure if I'd have understood you. It felt like if there was just nothing in my head, nothing, not a single thought, or a single part of my character. I find such things always a bit confusing and to be honest, it is not always easy to pull myself back together than.

Maybe it's that I really should to talk to someone, my mom, if I could, or my dad, who seems not strong enough to deal with his daughter's habits. Not my brother, it would totally confuse him.

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