January 28th 2001

When my brother and I were young we always told my parents we'd never give them away, not for all the money in the world. Back then it was probably the nicest compliment a little child could give, we knew how important money was since we didn't have a lot when we were small, and saying that we explained how important my parents were to us. Of course now that I have become of the status of money in my life, I'd call it ridiculous to say that I wouldn't give my parents away for all the money in the world. It would be ridiculous because it is true, it's a given fact. Money isn't important to me and getting a lot of money for something has never been an argument that could make me to do something. Money is just paper, worthless. There is so much that matters all the time, and money doesn't belong to these things, at least not in my life. Sure sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better to have a little more money, but basically, I am content with what I have, I have everything I need, and everything else would be a waste of money, in my eyes.

I've been having the first four lines of a poem in my head for a few days now. I've never gotten round to writing them down. I have memorized them and each time I repeat them I get more and more the feeling that they are powerful and express something extreme. I hope to finish it soon and put up then. If the whole poem turns out as well as I think the first few lines are, I can be proud of me.

Marco hasn't authorized me on ICQ in two days. Ok, then not, if he doesn't want to. He's the one I complained about so much a couple of days prior, because of his lack of consequence. I find it inpolite and unfriendly that he hasn't authorized me yet, and I am sure he got my request. Someone like Marco who spends many hours online every day could have authorized me in an instant. He doesn't even need to think that I'll give him advice about his girl problems, only to be told that I should stop talking crap. Okay, after all it's not me who needs to talk and needs advice all the time.
How come I can get so upset about something as meaningless as a authorization request that hasn't been returned. Maybe because I feel disappointed because Marco doesn't know to appreciate my advice, or when I spent hours talking to him convincing him that his situation wasn't all that hopeless. I told him all that, made him feel better, although his problems and current situation seemed so ridiculous to me. He was sad because a girl didn't repeat his feelings, and I was sad and down because I couldn't manage my whole life anymore, and I mean in any aspect. Yet I gave him advice, and did anything to help him a little. And now I feel like if nothing I did for him was recogniced and appreciated. I feel disappointed, and a little betrayed. I think I will tell him, and then put an end to this. It isn't the first time I don't see the friend in Marco anymore. When I and Siya had gotten together, he told me our relationship would never work out, and that I should stop thinking that it can, and whatnot. He insulted me, and said some really stupid things about Siya, although he didn't even know him. What he said hurted me a lot, and I was very close to telling him that I'd rather not be friends anymore. He said some very hurtful things, he insulted the one I love, and when I'd told him, he still thought he was in the right and kept telling me that what he'd ben trying to tell me was the truth, and that I should finally open my eyes.
I've got the feeling that I'm just used, and that it is time to end this. There is no use anymore, I like the thought of being betrayed. It happened in the past, so I can't change that anymore, but what happens now and in the future, that's what I can change. And I will. This time, I will.

I will have a History and an Economy test tomorrow. My Chemistry teacher will probably try tp out me down again in front of the class. He likes doing that, placing comments about my bad grades in Chemistry here and there, sometimes talking to me before the class starts and telling me that I too have to study the stuff of last week, when I'd been sick. Or, let's explain it one more time so that even Christina might get it this time. Then he smiles such a fake smile. He does the same with Armin. It's unfair. The teacher already treated me badly when I had him in my Biology class in grade 5, 6 and 7, and then again in grade 10 in Chemistry. He made me repeat the whole grade, everyone got the grades they deserved. I didn't understand much in Chemistry, no doubt about that, but the grades I did get, were not what I'd deserved. If he says something stupid again, I will tell him an honest opinion. I've been quite good with that lately, I used to be very shy and was a little scared of teachers. The wrong answer might get me into trouble, but at least it will be worth it. Now, how old am I? I must sound like a kid right now, but I doubt that I have the same reasons.
Ever thought about what it's like to have to repeat a whole grade because one teacher didn't treat you fairly? A whole grade, a whole year of your life?

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