January 26th 2001

Wow my computer is working again. I rock. I'm tired as well and will go offline when I'm done here, my mom said earlier she'd be pleased if I spent the night watching tv with them. I was online for an hour now, so I'll go over to my parents then. Me being a good girl, so yeah.

Greetings go to Rebecca, I'm lucky enough to see that my mail server is down, which means you'll only tomorrow have the pleasure of reading an email from me. I know I such at replying to emails, but once you change your email address to something I can memorize, you can be sure I'll email you from any email addy.*LOL* But ok, I'll memorize it the next time I see it, and if it takes me months.;) Anyway, hugs to you, and talk to you soon!!:)

I skipped school today, after feeling totally miserable yesterday night. I realized that everyone else was better than me, and that I was good for nothing. I'd never thought something like that before. I wanted to cry, but couldn't more than two tears. It felt veryy hurting, and the thought of cutting crossed my mind. Deep inside I knew I wouldn't cut, I'm over it, but I put my knife to the end of my bed, just in case. I didn't cut, reasons mentioned already. But I felt so useless, alone, and left. I was lying in my bed and trying to cry more, but I couldn't. It wasn't that I felt very depressed, I just felt lost. And a little hopeless. I can't explain why, why last night, and why I at once thought that I was worth less than others, after all I'd never had that thought before.
My mom seemed hurt this morning when I told her that I'd stay at home from school. She always feel lied to when I stay at home although I'm not sick.. When I was younger, she always had to call the school and tell them that I was sick, so she had to lie for me then, which I understood that she didn't like it and felt abused, psychically. But now that I am 18, I can sign my own excuses, and I can call in sick myself. I don't really understand her..but maybe it is just me at the moment who sees things differently as they may appear to others.

Yet, no matter what, I'll get my butt in the living room and get some chips.

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