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January 13th 2001 I got up this morning at 5.30am, to go to work. I should have worked from 7am till 4pm today, nothng unusual. In fact, I always work Saturday. When brushing my teeth I wondered how good my hair looked today although I had slept quite bad tonight, and I remembered the 9 hours I'd have to work. I had cut again last night, desperately looking for a place to fit one more cut. It bleeded when I tucked me in but I couldn't wait because my mom said she'd say goodnight when she's done in the bathroom, and I had to hurry. This morning I felt that I couldn't work 9 hours today, I couldn't handle it. 9 hours without a break is long but not a tragedy, at least not if I had been in a better shape. I know I wouldn't have made it through the 9 hours. I told myself I'd pack my stuff for work, and a pullover and another set of underwear, and see if I'll go to work, or find myself standing at the trolley stop. I wanted to see what my feeling would tell me.
I ended up at the trolley stop. Thoughts and ideas of going to Munich, shopping, swirrled through my head, and I was sure I'd get there. At 7 I called my chef and told him I was sick. I felt a little bad because I really liked him, and lying to him was not really ok. But necessary. I wanted to get away, get some space. The thought that nobody knew where I was and what I was doing, made me feel excited. I walked across the market where all the farmers brought their goods, and the fresh bread smelled just great. It was still dark, could have been midnight as well. Downtown was desserted. It felt good, I had never seen it like that before. I walked down the main street with all the stores, carefully looked at each sign of dentists and lawyers I had never noticed before. It was bittercold and a very cold wind was blowing all the time, and knowing that it was dark made it feel even colder. At the station, I looked at the schedules of the trains, I didn't know yet where I'd go. If so anyway. I looked at the schedules of the trains, on the computer which trains would arrive next. One of them was the one to Munich. Munich main station. That was when I realized I didn't even know the name of the station I'd have to get out. I turned around and left. It was early and stores were all closed, so I got a trolley and remained sitting in it until it had made a complete round. Then, I took another trolley line and did the same. It was warm on the inside and the ticket I pay $25 a month for finally showed its use. Stores opened, and I went shopping. I got a white pullover, my first white pullover ever. I can wear the blousons with the half arm under it, since I really like them but can't wear them now because of my cut arms. Also, I bought a black blouson, it's beautiful. The material is wonderful, and it is not so tight on the arms. I like it. And, a pair of pants, flared like hell. Black ones, they look very elegant and beautiful. Really they do. I hadn't needed either of the clothes, but I just had to shop. It made me feel a little better.
I went home at noon because it was so freezing cold. I had planned on staying in town till 4pm, and then come home and it would have looked like if I had been to work. My dad was totally confused, but didn't say much. Mainly because he didn't understand it. I told him that he shouldn't try to understand what I was thinking because he wouldn't understand it anyway. He said he actually liked to understand things. I kept telling him he shouldn't worry when he doesn't understand what was going on inside of me when doing that. My mom said it was crap. And she asked me to say so too. I know very well that it was not crap, in fact it was very important for me. It made me feel better.
Obviously, it would really help if I spent some time alone, away from here, a few days. Somewhere, alone, just me and my thinking. I'm sure it would help.
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