Once again, I'm starting over. Welcome to my new home, a big thank you to Kate who hosts me.:)
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Thursday, December 27th 2001

I wanted to change the template over at Blogger, but it's not cooperating tonight, so I'll just go with copying and pasting until I can decide to either use Greymatter and put more time into working on it than I did last time, or just wait and keep copying and pasting until Blogger works again. We'll see, at least I don't want to be without a journal because Blogger doesn't like me. I read it was hacked yesterday, but it worked for me this morning. I wonder why people would hack sites like Blogger.

So, Tobi and I are not meeting tomorrow. We were planning that I take the train and visit him at his house this time, which would have been quite an adventure since I've never been alone on a train. But what could have happened anyway. However, I called Tobi tonight to ask where exactly the bus stop was at the train station I'd get off at. When he picked up the phone, he sounded tired and sick, and I was alarmed. So I asked how he was doing right away, and it turns out he was in the hospital today because he passed out sometime this morning, they called an ambulance, took him to the hospital, and did several tests on him. Which freaked me out quite a bit, he doesn't know the reason or what caused it still. It's easy to guess, yes, but there's no prove for it. So I suppose it could happen again, anytime. It's a scary thought. He's my best friend. He's strong, he has a strong character and an unbreakable personality, he's been through pretty much anything you can think of. He's one of the most athletic people I know, and he can hold you tight like no one else can. But the image of being invulnerable, the image he not knowingly leaves on people, is proved wrong and shattered every time such things happen, things like what happened today. 'Best Friend'. It feels good to know what is behind the facade, but to know the facade as well. We agreed he'd make sure to get some rest and to relax, and we'll meet Monday or Tuesday. I'd have really liked to see him tomorrow, if today hadn't happened. I hope it won't happen again. I love him.

The past two or three days have been not too amazing. I started feeling down on Christmas Eve, when my dad and I were walking down from my grandma's house. It was cold, it was snowing like crazy, and we were practically the only people outside at that time, at almost 1am. It was a beautiful night, that's for sure. I started thinking about how I turned 19 that day, and it was just then that I realized how fast I was growing up, what new expectations are coming with that, and if I could master them. I thought a lot about it, and it got me down pretty much. My parents didn't give me any reason to feel down, and yet, having them around made me feel low too. Maybe it was because they often show their expectations for me in an too extreme way that sometimes lets me doubt that I can make it with my own plans and my own expectations. Mine are forced into a corner while my parents' fill the room. The fact that I didn't have any other people around the past few days didn't do any good either.

I talked very long with Ermina yesterday. We had a very open and honest conversation, and we talked about things we both had dealt with. I found out Ermina and I had similar thoughts and opinions about the topics, which I found cool since not many people do. However, that brought up a lot of things of my past I'd have rather not had come up.
Then, AIM kicked me off and didn't let me come back on. I was feeling down and whatnot, not 'down' with the meaning of 'depressed' but really really down. So, I got drunk. Drunk like I hadn't been in a long time. When I was lying in bed afterwards, I couldn't sleep, and so many things kept flashing through my mind, things I really didn't want to think about for a moment only. I wanted it to stop but it wouldn't, and I was scared. I don't know when I did fall asleep then. When I got up this morning, I felt dizzy and had trouble walking straight, but it got better pretty soon. I'm doing better now, but still, it's somewhat scary to think about last night. I'd not been that drunk in so long. And those flashbacks hadn't happened in so long either.

Anyway, I came along grocery shopping with my dad today, he wanted me to come along because he never goes there alone, for some reason. The good thing was that I met Manu to my surprise, I'd thought he had today off. We'll see each other on Sunday, I'll go over to his house. We'll see. I'm glad about it, for now, we'll see what happens.

I put up a new layout today, how do you like it? Feedback, maybe? :] And put up two more graphics in the digital art section, and updated the leave section. I'll rewrite the bio tomorrow.

right now

Thursday
5.06 pm
radio news
hungry, thirsty
BMW.org

to do list

fix the comments
work on new layout
blog at the domain blog

dailies

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