The past two days were pretty good, I spent most of them at Armin's house with him and Tobi. Armin has an own apartment about 20 minutes by bus from my house. I went home right after school because I needed to take our cat to the vet. I knew Tobi had gone to Armin, and he sent me an sms if I wanted to come over too when I'm home from the vet again. So, I went home afterwards, had dinner, and went to Armin's house. it was 6pm when I got there. My mom wanted me to be home at 10pm, but I missed the bus and called her that I'd be late. I had my dad on the phone first and he totally freaked out, so I said I'd go back (from the bus stop) to Armin's house and call for a taxi from there. Geez, it was such a big deal to them. When I came home at 10.30pm, there was so much tension in the air, and thinking about how my dad must have freaked out that I wasn't home earlier, with all his yelling and whatnot, and thinking about how my mom probably had tried to calm him down, I was wondering if all this actually was necessary. It was an overreaction, somehow, because there's not much reason why a 18 year old girl should be home by 10. There are enough street lamps and people on the street, so it's not really dangerous. And when I am somewhere, I'm having a good time there and I have to go because my parents want to have me home, then it does feel not right. Since I came home so late yesterday, I was supposed to be home at 5pm. I called my mom and told her I'd be late, and after a while, she agreed that I had to be home at 7.30pm, because my dad was getting mad already again.

It's weird because it seems ridiculous, on the one hand. I guess I was growing up my parents missed the phase when they should have realized that they should let me go and let me go my own way, live my own life. It's not normal that they tell me to be home by 10pm, no other 18 year old gets restrictions like that. I'll talk about that with my parents on the weekend, because I don't see any sense in having to be home when they tell me so. I want the freedom others have at 18. We'll see, maybe I can make them understand the way I think.

Tobi and I had to go to some office after school to get his bus ticket; his is paid by the state, he's lucky. I only have one brother and have to pay it myself, not fair. Anyway, we met Armin there and went grocery shopping afterwards, and took pictures in one of those photo boxes, fuuuun!!;) Then we hung out at Armin's house, till 7pm. Tobi had to get the train at 7.25pm because he was going home tonight, and I left with him. It was a fun afternoon, I liked it.
I'll have a quiz in English tomorrow, and maybe one in Economy and Social Studies too. It's 10 at night now and I haven't studied anything yet, but I'll look through it before I go to bed. School has been going amazingly good, I'm rather surprised.

I have a copier, look. She copied and pasted my whole source code, the graphic, and my entries. One smart girl.
Ermina has a beautiful new layout up, I really really love it hon, it looks great!!:) Topaz has a new layout up too, I love her art!!:) Looks great!!
I registered at theRose-madder.net Boards yesterday, so far I've liked it there. It seems to be a nice place, not really huge right now and it has a nice atmosphere to it, somehow.

Thank you to the people who always comment on my entries, you guys rock!!:) It means a lot to me because it actually shows that people are interested in what's going on here. Makes me smile real big, heh. A big thank you to everyone!!

Sometimes there are times in life when things change just every day, and nothing is of duration. Every day gives you new things to think about and leaves you thinking about it over and over. It's nothing bad, and such things aren't bad because they bring change and never let you stand still. It's just that there are things that give you a lot to think about. Today was one of such days.

School was ok. In Pedagogy, Mrs brown had the awesome idea to make an experiment with us. She was extremely strict and yelled and told us what to do in a very sharp way. When she came in, she was going to ask a student about the previous Pedagogy lesson, as always. Christina, what was the last lesson all about? I'd had a bad feeling about it and someone I knew she'd ask me. I'd studied it just before, so I knew what she wanted to know. I told her pretty much everything I knew, which was a lot, and she kept interrupting me by saying that I should explain something clearer and that what I said did make sense and that it was wrong (while I knew it was right), in a very rude and demanding tone. It was so quiet in the classroom because everyone wondered what was up with the teacher since usually, she's a nice and friendly person. I knew what I was saying was correct, so I just repeated it and tried to explain it even better and more detailed. I didn't get insecure or something, I was just wondering. After a while she said that that was enough, and told everyone to get a sheet of paper and write down their name, class, and birth date (!). And we were supposed to write down everything we remembered about the last lesson within 2 minutes. Very weird. Thank God, there was a fire alarm and everyone went outside. I was kinda confused and Tobi reassured me I was right about everything I'd said, so fine. The fire alarm was just a practice one, no real one, so after 15 minutes, we went back to our classrooms. There my teacher said that it'd been just an experiment how long we'd follow her directions, even when they weren't very senseful - like, why would you write down your birth date on a test paper. I was not very amused, and must have looked rather angry, so when the lesson was over, she came to my desk and said I'd done a good job because I hadn't become insecure and kept talking and explaining, and that it'd been very good. Meaning I got an A. I get the same grade for Pedagogy and Psychology, so actually, the A here counts twice.;) Stupid experiment though, haha.

Tobi and I wanted to go shopping after school. I had the feeling something was wrong because he was rather quiet as soon as Rado wasn't around anymore. He doesn't try to hide when he's not doing good when he's around me. We didn't feel like shopping, so we walked back into town from the mall. We could have taken the bus, but we walked because that meant we'd be longer together. It's a bit weird in a positive way, with all my other friends, I'd have taken the bus because that would have been quicker, and I'd have been at home sooner. But with Tobi, we didn't even have to talk about taking the bus, we just walked. We didn't talk about the way either, just walked down the street and then saw where to go next to go to the station. Maybe that's what it's supposed to be like with your best friend. Tobi has some problems that worry me as much as they worry him, and I really really want to help him. As stupid as it may sound, and I've never said it before about another person except Michael, I feel with him. He knows I am always there and that he can count on me, so that's good. Whenever he hugs me, I know he knows it. Tobi's hugs are still the best.

The presentation I was supposed to give this Thursday is postponed for two weeks. Tobi will do his on Thursday, and next week is internship, so today in two weeks is the first day I can do it. I like that, I was rather uncomfortable with that I was going to have it that soon, two days. I'm almost done with it, but yet, I don't feel ready. And I'm not 100% satisfied with how it is right now, so now I still have some time to fix it up and make it good enough so that I can stand completely behind it.

I had a very nice talk with Candice yesterday, at least until AIM kicked me off. Also, thank you for signing my guestbook!!*jumps up and down* Heh.;)
And Ermina knows very well too what it feels like when Chrissi is suddenly gone.*sigh* Sorry about that!!
This weekend I found some really nice sites I bookmarked. Jodi even put up a brand new layout just yesterday, I like the pink here and how she used the drop down menus. She seems like a very interesting person too.
Creasian is a beautiful site too. Oh, and, and you should definitely visit Ely's journal. I promise you won't regret it.;)

Tobi's back, and I'm so damn happy about it!! It was kinda difficult in the morning because I knew that withdrawal treatments could change people a bit, at least some I know are different to what they were like before, character wise. It took me a bit to check out what was on, and I realized Tobi was still the same. It may sound weird, but a part of me was really worried about that. After school, we went to Armin, he didn't work today and Tobi had the idea to go visit him. Tobi still had something to do in town, so I went to Armin without him, he'd come later. Armin actually had something to eat at home, which surprised me quite a bit, yet, November just started. He's cool to talk to, a very smart and funny guy. Tobi came quite a while after me, but it didn't really matter since I did get along with Armin very well. We sat around all afternoon, and I left at 6pm because I was supposed to be home at 6.15pm, I'd promised my mom to be home for dinner.
It was a nice day, and it felt so good to have Tobi around again.:)

The whole war going on in Afghanistan scares the hell out of me. Before all that shit happened, I wasn't scared of loosing my life in some stupid attack. I lived every day and had big plans for my future. I still do, of course, but what swings with every thought I have of it, I remember that I don't know what terrorists will do next and if I'll actually live on my 20th birthday. They don't seem to have much scruple. Many people here are afraid of a nuclear bomb. But they need 16 pounds plutonium, and the market for it is very very small, and they could get maybe 2 pounds. What scares me much more is the fact that they could fly an aircraft into a nuclear powerplant. It would have a similar effect. And would be easier to do. It's not that I think about such things all day, but whenever I think of something in the future, I automatically have the thought of how long I may still be here and that the next day, month, whatever, when those terrorists decide to go for another attack, I don't know if sooner or later, there will happen something around here. It's scary, really. It's not an American war anymore. They have British soldiers, Turkish soldiers, soon German soldiers. And if they decide to do another attack, on whatever and however, it can affect anyone. So much about that.

Ricky left a really nice comment on my graphic, yay for him!!;) I have more plugging to do, but wait till tomorrow, I'm so tired..

I just came home from my grandpa's birthday. We met for dinner at a restaurant at 5.30pm, and later went to my grandparents' and stayed till almost 11pm. It was a nice evening, I like having all my relatives around every now and then. I had a whole lot of fun with my uncle again, he's got a great sense of humor. My brother didn't come along because he wasn't feeling good. That's what you get when you go out and don't come home before 7.30am the next day, haha. My mom heard someone at the door this morning, and it was my brother, looking for his keys outside the door. He went to bed right away so I didn't see him till this afternoon. He had a major headache and puked, but at least he didn't complain. When I come home and go to bed right away, I can be sure that he'll grin at me and ask me how I'm doing and stuff. So, no need to feel sorry for him.;) He doesn't expect me to feel sorry anyway, heh.

Tobi sent me a sms at around 7pm, but I couldn't reply to it because it'd have been impolite to focus my attention on my mobile phone instead of on the birthday party. And now it's too late to write back, I don't know when they have to go to bed at the hospital. I feel kinda bad that I haven't written back yet. I'll do that when I get up tomorrow. Tobi will leave the hospital tomorrow afternoon. They want him to stay till Monday morning, but he wants to go to school on Monday, so there's no way they could make him stay longer than tomorrow afternoon. It's not because he'd miss a day of school if he was released on Monday, but that classmates would ask where he is, and he'd have to say that he was having alcohol withdrawal treatment during vacation, and that is no one's business. I'm really looking forward to seeing him again on Monday and to spending time with him. I miss him, it's about time we meet again.

I need to work on the presentation tomorrow, finally. I already found some sites about John Lennon that could be of use. It'll be quite some work too, but we'll see.

I'm tired, I'll better go to bed now. You should visit , and Anna because it's her birthday today.:) I'm considering joining Secret Santas and BottleMail is really really fun!!

I emailed Michael last night. We hadn't been in touch for a long time, and I asked Lisa if he'd get to read my email if I sent him one. She said that the nurses let him have his computer rather often, so chances that he'd read the email were high. I told him about my new school, my internship, and basically, tried to give him an overview over my life right now. Michael and I used to talk a lot, but then it got less and less when he decided to undergo chemo treatment two years ago. He couldn't go online that much anymore, and our talks on icq got less. We still were in touch for quite a while, and Lisa, his girlfriend, has kept me updated. It's not the same though. Michael has always been like a big brother for me, he always knew what to say in a situation, he'd always make me smile and show me the good side of something in a way that really made me believe it. He's taught me a lot.
I wrote him yesterday that if he didn't have the time or strength to email me back, I'd understand. To my surprise, he emailed me back immediately. He said how nice it was to hear from me, and that his health had become much better. And that he'd go to Italy real soon for some special, more aggressive treatment for leukemia patients. I was really glad to hear that! He'd considered going to Italy for it two years ago already, but he didn't want to leave California. Back then, he just wanted to be left alone and die. I am so glad that his results have improved, and that now he is more hopeful about his recovery. It took two years until his results have increased. Two years. I hope they won't get worse again, and that Michael has the strength to keep going.

I went grocery shopping with my mom today. I met the guy that was my boss when I still worked there, he saw me standing at the check out and waved at me, which I found really nice and waved back. Then he came over and told me that there were still some papers for me in the office. I asked where, and he said he'd come along and show me. I was quite surprised, but in a positive way. My boss is 23 years old, black hair, dark eyes, athletic, definitely not bad looking. I even had a crush on him last year. We talked for a while about work, and if they'd gotten any new workers in the apartments I'd worked in. It was nice, we didn't talk like if he was my boss - well he isn't anymore, but still. I promised to think of him when I get up around 10am tomorrow, since he has to start working at 7am. He found that incredibly funny, ha. Anyway, it was nice talking to him. I was afraid the people there wouldn't even remember me. Which is a weird thought considering I'd worked there for a year and a half. I think like that sometimes.
I thought I might see Manu, but I didn't. Maybe next week. I want to know what he's been up to, I haven't seen him for almost three weeks. The last time I met him in the trolley on my way home from the theater. I was drunk and he was high, so there was not much of a conversation. He got off at my stop, and then said he should have gotten off three stops later. Woops. But I need to check what's going on with him. Part of me is worried because I know what his life is like. Three weeks can be long.

I got accepted at Hardcore. I remember I visited the clique a few months ago, and back then, I really wanted to join, but I didn't meet the requirements. I was still working on my self-esteem back then, and although I really really wanted to, I didn't submit my site because I wouldn't have fit. I did submit my site this week, and I got accepted. It feels nice. Not because I got accepted to an elite clique, but because now I meet a requirement that means a lot to me, "being self confident, loving who you are, no matter what situation or station of life you're in". It means a lot to me that I have achieved it, and that I've come to the point that I do feel like it. It's important for me, it was a goal for me. I did it for me.

The navigation at mesmerized.org is interesting. I can image how it works, but I can't figure it out. Maybe my IE is too old. I'm not sure, but if the concept is how I think it is, it's cool!
Look, a Weezer layout, heh. It's nice, isn't it? It's the first time I see someone used Weezer for a layout. I remember when Take Off Your Pants and Jacket had just come out, there were so many Blink182 layouts out there. Now you don't see them anymore at all.
It's been difficult to find sites that are interesting, something new. Or a site with writings. A while ago, there were so many writing sites. But maybe that was just a trend. Which is a pity because I love writing sites. Fictional Reality, Erinn's site, was just opened again this week. With Erinn's writings, really beautiful!! A must see, if you ask me.

I don't want them to yell no more. I want them to stop, I want my dad to be how he used to be, until a few weeks ago. I hate that being picky about little things, the yelling afterwards like if it was a world moving thing, I don't want my mom to try to fix a fight by trying to explain and I don't want to hear in her voice that she has tears in her eyes. I don't want my dad to call my brother an asshole, and I don't want to have a shiver run down my back every time I hear it. I don't want it anymore. I don't want this to continue anymore, it will never change because no one ever really does something. My dad keeps freaking out when my brother grins at him when he's told to do something. Because my brother doesn't get how someone can freak out like my dad about such little things, he grins. And my dad freaks out even more. And my mom starts yelling too, and tries to explain to my dad what is logical, but he'll keep yelling and fighting and says that everyone should just do their own thing. And I wish my dad would understand what my mom says, really understand it. And I wish I wouldn't sit there and listen, and hold my head in one hand, my eyes closed, listening to the movie on tv, while my parents are yelling right behind me. I wish this whole thing was different. Why the hell is it like that. There is no way we could make my dad understand, it's never been as bad as now, since a couple of weeks. I don't want all this to happen. It's not okay.
I hate such things. And I hate how they tend to get me down. I'd get drunk if I had alcohol right now, but for some reason, such things always happen on days there is nothing to drink in the house. How cool.Tomorrow's a day too, right.

Look, she plugged me and finds this site pretty. Nice, actually made me smile when I found her in my counter statistics. Ermina is a sweetie too, and she needs a new job, urgently. And Ris, Ris owes me two helicopters, a baby blue one and a pink one.

I wonder why I stopped smoking stuff. On some days, I don't remember. On others, I do remember. And then there are some on which I go to Manu and just forget about it. It's not of importance anyway.

There was a song on the radio earlier that reminded me somehow of Lifehouse, especially the lyrics. I don't remember most of them but I do remember that the end was 'when the dream fades, there's got to be a hero in me'. If anyone happens to know which song I'm talking about, please leave me a comment, I'd really appreciate it.
That kind of lyrics was what I listened to all the time when I was depressed or sad. I still love the lyrics. There are not many bands whose lyrics mean something to me, or that I can relate to, in my way. Lifehouse and Creed are like that, Foo Fighters, Matchbox20.

I miss Tobi. I hate thinking of how he is in that hospital, I hate it. Last night, he sent me sms about how he is scared of today because today, he'd be totally without meds for the first day. With pain, and depression with no end, and the shivering. He said that he was scared he'd just screw everything and leave. I know he won't because he's not the kind of person who'd give up. I kept telling him how that I had faith in him, that I'd be thinking of him all today, and that I'd keep my fingers crossed for him, to make sure he knows that I care and that I stand 100% behind him and next to him whenever he needed me. I found it difficult to find the words because I didn't want to say the same all the time. The same meaning of course, always. He seemed to be doing rather good today, he tried to keep him busy all day. I hope he'll recover without being in too much pain and depression, and anyway. I wish I could be there with him and give him a hug, and tell him that I'm there for him. I've told him so many times via sms, and he knows it, but I want to tell him though. I'll see him again Monday morning. I've been thinking about waiting for him in front of the school building. Not sure why, but that way we could talk a bit before school without having others around us, and having them listen. They needn't know where he is this week.

When my dad came home today, he was in a really bad mood because he still had to go to the cemetery to put the flowers we'd bought yesterday on my grandpa's grave, for tomorrow. My dad hates to go to cemeteries, but though. He yelled at my mom that she should have done it, although he'd never asked her to do it; she would have done it if he'd asked. For some reason, they then went to the cemetery together. When they came back again, my dad started a fight with my brother, for some trivial reason, like that he hadn't put his bike into the garage and that it was still standing in front of the house instead. While I know when to shut up and say nothing to prevent worse, my brother says what he thinks in a very cheeky tone and shows that he doesn't care at all. That's the way he is, and my dad gets terribly upset every time he notices that my brother doesn't give a damn and doesn't let him bother him. That made his mood even worse. I've never seen him that mad in my life, as soon as my brother had left the house to meet up with some friends, my dad started yelling even more and kicked things and I was just like wft! I'd never seen him like that before, and although basically, I know my dad wouldn't hurt his family, I was scared in that moment. He calmed down over the evening, and at 10pm, he was just normal again. Very weird.

I watched Fear on MTV tonight. That was one of the scariest things I've seen on tv, wow. It was on between 11pm and midnight, I was sitting in the living room alone. Three girls and three guys had to find out something about paranormal activities in a former prison. It was a really really big one, the last execution there was 1958. They had to spend 15 minutes in certain places, like where the prisoners were killed, or the hospital, or something, at night. They all had cameras and a light on their helmet, and it was just so freaking scary. Those who didn't quit got a whole lot of money in the end, after two nights of dares. Oh damn. If it's on the American tv too, you should watch it. My brother came home around midnight. He'd forgotten his keys so he knocked on the window of my room. I heard it in the living room, and jumped. I thought I'd just ignore it, but then remembered it could be my brother. Really really well done thing, Fear.

I added 4 new poems today. I'll update the index page with 'right now' etc. tomorrow, I was planning to do that tonight still but I want to go to bed now. It's almost 1am and I have to get up early tomorrow. At least earlier than today, which is before 10.30am. I'm by far not looking forward to All Saints' Day tomorrow.

Oh, but do visit Ermina, she finally has her site up, it looks amazing!! Go visit, she'll love you for it!;)

A good friend of mine is having alcohol withdrawal treatment this week. It was a spontanous idea last night and today at noon, he already sent me a sms from the hospital. I was totally surprised and was just like what?! since he hadn't told anyone. I called him right away and found out he'd stay there this week (one week instead of two), and that he'd be back in school next week. We have this week off anyway, so that's just fine, and no one will know at school. My friend sounded very tired on the phone, and cheered up a bit when I called him. But it does get him down very much. I sent him a sms at 9.30pm and actually woke him up, as he told me. But he said he loved me though, haha. I'll have to apologize tomorrow, sending an sms so late was kinda thoughtless. I really want to show him that I care and that I'm there for him, especially during this week. I don't want him to think that I don't care what he's going through. Something tells me he just knows. That's one of the advantages a best friend has. Love you!

I didn't go shopping today, I actually was too lazy. But I might go tomorrow, because I have to go into town anyway to apply for my public transportation ticket for November. I'm somewhat late, but it's still ok. I forgot to apply for it last month and had to buy single tickets every time I used the trolley or the bus, and that was terribly expensive. I needed a single ticket to school and one home from school, and sometimes one when I got off somewhere on my way home or something. The monthly ticket costs me $30, and I can use all public transportation as often and as long as I want. Anyway, I need my mom's signature for it because her bank account will be charged, and maybe I'll get to buy a winter jacket tomorrow. My mom actually knows that I need a new one, so there won't be much needed to convince her to buy it tomorrow already. I'd like a black jacket that ends a bit above my knees, something rather simple and elegant. And warm, heh.

Now that I have this week off, I watch more tv than I usually do. And it's just now that I realize how stupid some talk shows have become and what crap they have on tv in the afternoon. Music channels play the same clips all over. I saw Aaliyah's 'More than a Woman' for the first time today, and I actually like the song, it's nice. It's the first song by Aaliyah. They played Bush and Ash too, yay. Still my favorites. Oh yes, I have to admit, the new BsB clip is really well done. They really have changed over the years.

I'm actually starting to like this guy's blog. He posted a rather nice comment on my entry yesterday, which surprised me; and the entry he posted at his blog today seems quite thoughtful too.
It was nice to see this morning that over the night, I'd gotten 4 comments on my last blog entry. Thank you to Shae, Ermina and Piper!! Let's see..Tanya has a really pretty and original Halloween layout up! And the colors Jenn uses at Static Dream are beautiful, I once used very similar colors for a blog layout at beneathmywings.org
Oh, and I wanted to plug Tara because she made four buttons for Reach, thank you hon!!:)