JOURNAL
September 30, 2004 (12:15AM)

     Wow, I'm actually updating before 2am! Amazing, huh? lol. Today was a really busy day for me at work. I spent all morning trying to set up 3 detail sheets for 3 different apartments. Then spent the rest of the day trying to help my boss "win" a deal back. That was frustrating.

     First my boss calls me to tell me that someone made a higher bid on an apartment we were about to go into contract. Tells me to call the client who made the offer (story here is that one day a client comes to me to see an apartment. I show him the unit and he tells me that he made an offer on one of the apartments that we were competing with one of the companies most hated rival. And when my boss finds this out, all hell breaks... he brings in his most trusted "buyer" and convinces her to buy the apartment. Somehow she always trusts my boss and ends up buying A LOT of property!) Well, I called this buyer and checked to see if it was him who upgraded the offer. Sure indeed it was him. So I gave him info on another property to make it seem like I'm NOT snooping. I get the scoop, tell my boss and he convinces his "buyer" to upgrade the offer by $10K. It worked and we got the offer accepted again. So stupid! Watch the other guy upgrade his offer and we end up paying more. So stupid... just for a rival!

     Now on top of all this, he calls me up to tell me this news about someone making a higher bid and tells me to call the buyer quickly and find out the story. He calls back within 5 seconds and starts talking about bullshit and nonsense. Trying to explain to me why he wants me to say that to the client. What's the point?! You're not going to explain to the buyer that he's dumb to be buying this apartment when he can spend $100K less on a property but have to pay $365 more PER MONTH!!! If u're going to keep the apartment for a short term, fine... but if u're going to live there for a long time, why would anyone pay less for the property to be slapped with a high monthly?! Stupid. Wasted my 10 minutes.

     So I call this guy, get the dish, tell him about it and guess what he does?! He calls the owner back and explains to him that THE OTHER BROKER'S CLIENT is putting this much down, with this much approved for mortgage, and will have to have this much for closing costs... and he feels that with that calculation he don't think the buyer will be able to afford it. He would be squeezing it tight. Then tells the seller that HIS OWN CLIENT can pay $10K more all cash. The seller is convinced. Now my question is... HOW THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO TELL THE SELLER WHAT THE OTHER BROKER'S CLIENT CAN OR CANNOT DO?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY HE HAS IN THE BANK?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HIS HIGHEST DOWN PAYMENT HE CAN DO?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DOES AND HOW MUCH HE MAKES A YEAR?! Shit, for all he knows he could be making over $200K a year!!! Then he'd have the money to pay up. He probably just doesn't want to spend that much. Or he's in the process of trying to continue to build his credit with his mortgage. So stupid!

     I'm telling you, this man would do anything to ruin a deal for our most hated rival. He would take his friend in to buy a property just to "win" the deal. Its getting very annoying. Now I understand why so many of our sales left the company. The first one to leave was Kat. She went to Douglas Elliman. The second one was Dawn. She just walked out. Now even Wing is gone. They are smart. Hopefully in a couple of years, Wing will be so successful he would be able to hire an administrator and he'll call me! I want to leave this company so badly, but financially I'm not stable and I don't wanna take that risk. Once I pay up my debt I'm going to save up enough money that will last me for a couple of months before I start looking for another job. I know that will be very late, but I really don't wanna chance it. I have a whole family to support (my mom and my sister... I'm not married).

     You know... talking about my family. Many have asked me, "why are u supporting your sister and mom? Aren't they capable of taking care of themselves?" Well, my mom is 59 and on Social Security Disability (SSD). If she was capable of taking care of herself, she wouldn't be on SSD. She's asthmatic and a diabetic. She cannot walk too much, sleep too much, stand too much, carry things too long. She does not speak English that well. Yes, she has survived a lot more, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need help. She is my mom and I love her. She's taken care of me for so many years. She's raised me to become who I am today. She taught me a lot of her good principles. Its time I returned all her hard work. I know some would argue that "she's your mother, she has to take care of you". That is so untrue. So many woman out there have a kid because of so many reasons. Some for the benefits they will have, some b/c of an accident, some to hold down a man, and some just don't know what they are doing. Some of these woman would have the child and not treat the child right. Some have the child and toss them in the garbage, orphanage, or just give the child away. Some have the child and abuse, torture, or mistreat them. My mom did not choose to do any of those. She chose to take care of me and raise me to become a good person. She deserves a better life now that her baby is grown and working.

     Now there's my sister. Yes, she's old enough to take care of herself and too young to be on SSD. But she is not your average 22 year old. She has a learning disability that prevented her from learning as much as she could. She managed to graduate from H.S. but was not ready for college. For the first couple of years, she stayed home and did nothing. No work, no school, nothing. She had no friends to talk to, to go out with. She had no place to go to. She always kept to herself. Finally, we managed to convince her to join Americorps - a national community volunteer program. After joining that program she met a lot of people and made some friends. Her confidence started to build up. She started getting her self-esteem. She became a lot happier. Now my point is, with a child like that you can't push her to do what she doesn't want to do. She'll go out there in the real world and try to find a job and people will look down on her, laugh at her, look at her differently just b/c she cannot read at her own level. This is a mean world. I could not let her go through that. I have to make sure she takes little steps.

     So while my mom gets her low SSD monthly and my sister in the volunteer program they are helping me a little, but they still need my support. My sisters share is enough for other necessities at home. My mom's portion is just enough for the food at home. What about rent, utility bills, and other expenses?? That's my responsibility on TOP of my own debts. I hope everyone understands where I come from. I cannot risk to not have a pay check for one week. That would really throw me off like it did during 9/11. Once I'm ready I know I can move on to my career.

     OK, I think something was bothering me tonite. Why do I say this? Well, I suddenly ranted. I normally do not do this unless something was bothering me. And you know what I think it is? I think its how my relationship is going btwn me and my bf. I like Chuckie a lot. I care abt him a lot. But I have to admit, I cannot be alone. I get bored and lonely. I start thinking too much. My mind starts to wander. Same reason I find people online to chat with. Chatting with strangers who understand you or at least can hold a conversation makes my mind more balanced. I know I have a lot of patience. And I think its worth waiting. I just hope I can handle the stress that will come with it. Greatest example: my mom bad mouthing Chuckie. I think I can and I know I will. I have to. I care about him too much. I just hope he feels the same with me.