To Need

Why couldn�t it have been raining? Or at least cold? Seattle was famous for being damp, cold, and having one of the highest suicide rates in the country. Well, at least he was subscribing to one statistic.

Jim looked out over the city that had been his refuge for the last three days. It wasn�t all that different from Cascade, just bigger. The view from this roof was decent, actually. The skyline was bright and almost pulsing on one side of his vision, while the same ocean he�d been so used to surfing in Cascade stared up at him from what had to be two miles away. Even the buoys had the same tone as they gently rode the incoming tide.

Which is why he knew he was losing his mind. Harbor buoys? Yeah, right. Well, at least they weren�t as bad as the voices. Constant, jarring, angry. Couples fighting, parents yelling at their children. Children crying, some random guy beating his punching bag senseless, and not for the first time from what Jim could make out through the pain in his own head.

Not to mention that he hadn�t eaten in almost three days. Everything tasted so wrong, felt awkward in his mouth. His head had been kind of spinning from the lack of nutrients, and he was not about to let himself starve, so he�d forced things here and there just to stay alive.

Jim took a deep breath to try and calm, but even that didn�t help. He could barely breathe as it was. The air itself felt foreign in his lungs, and assaulted his nose and tongue with every breath. And sleep was a luxury, usually enjoyed only because exhaustion demanded it.

Couldn�t eat, couldn�t sleep, couldn�t breathe, couldn�t think�no more. Please, no more�

�Hey, Big Guy. How�s it going?� Everything around him came to an abrupt halt. The footsteps hadn�t startled him. He�d heard the faint noise of something from as far away as street level. Soft, rhythmic. Human. What was startling was that voice. A smooth, flowing tenor that seemed to hide a much deeper command.

�Down, if I have anything to say about it.� A forest of ebony waves showered over t-shirt-clad shoulders as someone hung his head just over the ledge at the edge of Jim�s fixed vision. Jim knew from the smell that this person was in fact a he, though he wasn�t sure why. An odd mix of scents brushed against him from this man. Green tea, oranges, some strange plantlike odor, and that was just the surface. Lower, the undercurrent of it all scratched at his mind, seeping past the heavily fortified shields.

Whoever he was, he was rather small but sturdily built, and the skin just around the eyes Jim had not yet seen contracted. Squinting? Did he need glasses? Jim looked a bit closer, but a subtle movement of the gently curved head let that mass of coiled jet catch the light.

Curl after lustrous curl caressed his vision, catching soft auburn highlights in the moonlight and street light. All thought began shutting down in that very familiar way as he felt himself drawn into the lightly tangled mass�

�Yikes. That�s quite a drop. Think you�ll bounce?� Jim�s thoughts snapped back into crystalline focus at the words wrapped in that smooth timbre. Jim straightened, more resolute than ever upon his task.

�This isn�t funny, Chief.�

�I know that. What I don�t know is why you�re up here.� Why indeed. Even now Jim barely believed it, but he didn�t care. He knew what he had to do. He couldn�t endanger anyone else.

�You wouldn�t believe me.�

�You�re talking to someone who grew up in communes surrounded by honest to the Goddess hippies as a kid. You�d be amazed what I�ll believe.� Jim shook his head a moment to dislodge the images the younger man conjured. Ok, write the kid off as a freak. Good for him.

�Look, just let me do this, all right?�

�All right, all right, if that�s what you want to do. I just thought you might want your family to at least know why you did it, that�s all, man.� Family. Oh yeah, they�d be real sorry to hear about something like this.

�My family doesn�t care about me. They�d probably be relieved that I�m gone.�

�Harsh. I mean, my mom�s no prize, but I do try to cut her some slack, at least. Granted, she�s a meddling busy body who disappears for months on end and wouldn�t know a personal boundary from the DMZ, but what of that?� Cared enough to get involved, but trusted her boy enough to let him live his life. The woman sounded like a lot of laughs. Must have been nice.

�At least you knew yours. Mine took off when I was a kid.� The swallow that followed was loud enough to feel.

�Damn, that sucks. I�m sorry, man.�

�Not as sorry as I was. I tried to get her to stay, but she just�. looked at me. Like she didn�t even know me.� Like she didn�t want to. Like he�d somehow been the cause of her every sadness. Like she�d never wanted him in the first place. The pain washed over him, uncovering the resolution, blending into the white noise of all he was leaving behind. The army. His family, what was left of it. The job.

�Her loss, man.� Hers made his.

�Yeah, well, now she won�t have to worry about it anymore.� Getting her wish at last. This one�s for you, Ma.

�So what do you do?� The question floated across the din as if on the winds� winds that weren�t currently rushing past Jim�s ears. The hell? Why was he still standing here? It�s not like this was rocket science. He stepped off, fell a little under twenty stories, and became a permanent dent in the concrete. Quick, relatively painless. What was there to understand? Better question, why wasn�t it happening yet?

�Excuse me?�

�Just curious who I should give the bad news to once you head over. Wouldn�t want them thinking you just walked out on your job. Gives a negative impression.� Jim chuckled a bit, honestly not sure if anyone in his office would even notice he was gone. Oh, wait, yeah they would. And they�d be relieved. No more walking burnout in their midst.

�Oh, well, wouldn�t want to give the Cascade PD a negative impression, would we?� Blair shook off the double take as best he could. Ok. So the Nordic God with a hard-on for flying leaps was a cop in mid-burnout. Best to douse him and get the hell out before he got a good look. Too many questions. Too many answers Blair didn�t want to give.

�PD, huh? Must be a Detective, then. You�re too smart and way too big to be a common beat cop.� Great. A wannabe shrink. Just what he didn�t need. Jim turned on his interloper with a fierce scowl.

�You don�t know that. You don�t know anything about me!�

�Actually, that�s not entirely true. For example,� he said climbing onto the ledge and planting himself a solid seat, �I know that you don�t really want to take a header off this ledge. You just don�t know what else to do about what�s been bothering you. It�s pretty obvious it�s been bothering you for a while, and I think it has to do with your military training.� As Jim listened, his focus annoyingly captured by this rather small, infuriating man, confusion flared into cold rage. Wait just a�!

�Who are you? What does this have to do with the Army?!� The younger man jumped a bit at the volume change but rebounded admirably. Why did Jim enjoy the sight of that?

�I didn�t know �Army�, actually. I was thinking Marines, but whatever. You had to be an officer, though-�

�Answer me! How do you know that? Who sent you?� The marble masterpiece of a man took a step toward Blair, every muscle taut and rippling beneath a flawless satin sheathe of skin. The perfect hunter.

�Whoa there, killer, down shift. I was an anthropologist before I was a cop. It�s an interesting story, actually, but enough about me. You scream G-man. Clean cut, even when depressed. Well built, which takes discipline and determination. The kind that�s taught in the military. Like I said, I thought you were a Marine.�

�Ranger.� The word surprised him as it fell from his mouth, but Jim stood stunned as the face before him lit with an inner fire he had never before seen.

�Seriously? That takes balls, man. That�s like the Army equivalent of Seals, right? Damn, you are one major badass. What you�d make, like �Major� or something?�

�Captain, actually.� Again the sound of his own voice surprised him, but it felt almost... normal... to speak to this young man. To listen. To just be.

�See, another mistake on my part. Sorry about that.�

�Don�t worry about it, Chief.� That was twice. An official nickname. And a smile. Yes! Progress! Maybe Blair could get out of this without another life lost after all. But first, an olive branch.

�Blair.� He met the taller man�s face fully for the first time, and his stomach took a swan dive. The image was still darkened in shadow, but he knew what his compatriot would look like, every feature carved to make the poets weep. Would he join them? Where the hell was that coming from? The Adonis before him smiled gently again, in resignation or acceptance, Blair wasn�t sure which he feared more.

�Jim. Nice to mee-� Sapphire orbs stared up at him, shining, swimming, dancing with starlight�

�Jim?� The body that had stood so high above him fell sideways onto the roof, and Blair rushed to shield him from the worst of the fall. He laid the stunned man as best he could onto the unforgiving concrete and felt madly for signs of life. Pulse, fine. Breathing, shallow and slow. Seizure? Probably not, no shaking. Shock? No. Pupils� like pin pricks.

�Hey, Big Guy, can you hear me? Come back to me now. Wherever you went, it doesn�t seem like a good place. So wherever you are, listen close to me. Reach out toward the sound of my voice, Jim.� The litany of nonsense words continued as he watched those amazing powder blue eyes slowly refocus. He didn�t even realize he�d taken hold of the sides of this man�s face until his thumbs brushed under those unreal eyes as they came back to the real world.

�Chief?� Blair sighed as he let his tongue and lungs relax. Houston, we have reconfirmed communication.

�Wow. That was quite a trip you took there, man. You ok now?�

�Christ, not again!� And suddenly Jim was on his feet and pacing, and Blair was hard-pressed to keep up, even at his usually upbeat pace.

�Hey, it�s ok.� Jim didn�t even slow, his impromptu pacing turning into a very prominent prowl.

�No! I�m not supposed to do that! Don�t you see? How the hell am I supposed to be a cop if shit like that happens?!�

�Jim.� He turned suddenly, and didn�t stop. The world tipped, upending all directions. His balance suddenly gone, Blair was able to take hold before Jim hit the dirt a second time. His head spun violently but still Jim reached out, grasping sandpaper fabric with near lifeless hands.

�That�s it, Big Guy, listen to me, just like you did a minute ago. Come down here with me, Jim. I can help you, I know I can.�

Cold. Concrete again. Didn�t hit so hard this time. Head wouldn�t stop spinning no matter how he tried. Throbbing. Throbbing everywhere. Hurt so much it felt like his skull would split.

Blair guided him gently, trying hard not to panic himself. No wonder this guy was freaked! These attacks seemed to hit without warning, and their severity seemed ranged. The broad body leaned heavily against him, and he stroked a thick shoulder until Jim slowly heaved himself into a semi-upright slump.

�Ok. Do you have any idea why you blacked out like that?�

�No. I wish I did.� Not a complete lie, but who was counting?

�Does it happen often?�

�Unfortunately, yes. Ever since I came off this two week stakeout in the woods.� Two weeks? Ouch, that must have been hell on wheels. But this was starting to make an alarmingly familiar kind of sense.

�Did what I did help you?� Jim thought a moment, that voice still moving through him as if it knew the way. Like it had always been there, silent, waiting for someone to set it free. Blair�

�Yeah. No one�s ever talked me through that before. Been slapped, had cold water dumped on me a couple times, but even that didn�t help right away.�

�Sounds like you need to tell your partner what he needs to do if this happens again.�

�I don�t have a partner.� Again, please, for those in the back?

�You�re a detective. Why hasn�t your Lieutenant given you a partner?�

�Captain, and it�s not like he doesn�t try. I just don�t want to drag someone else into this insanity.� Captain? Must be a special unit or something. Wait. Special Unit. Cascade PD. He couldn�t� Nah. That would be too crazy. And this guy definitely was not.

�You�re not insane, Jim. Don�t ever say that again.� Jim shook his head with a smile. Kid had moxy, that much was certain. Last guy who stood up to him like that got his teeth caved in. Right before Jim blacked out from the smell of blood. �Did you have a partner before?�

�Yeah. He�he died.� Jack. Christ, it still burned just thinking about it.

�Oh geez, man, I�m sorry.�

�No, don�t be sorry. It wasn�t anybody�s fault. Just a lucky shot by some punk kid.� On the one day Jim hadn�t been there to back him up.

�So why does it sound like you blame yourself?� Kid didn�t hit the hard spots much, did he?

�That obvious, huh?�

�Kinda yeah.� Blair looked up, expectant yet understanding. And for some reason, Jim just started talking.

�I was going to my father�s funeral. I hadn�t seen the old man in years, but I felt like I should�� Pay my respects to the man who wouldn�t even see me after I spent 18 months in the jungle. Even now it sounded hollow, the sad efforts of a little boy who just wanted to be near his dad. The ice that for years he�d packed around his heart, shielding it from anything and everyone, cracked inwardly, jabbing every nerve. �I just wish I�d been there for Jack instead.�

�What happened at the funeral?� Jim shot him a wary look, to which Blair�s hands shot up in defense. �I mean, it�s none of my business, but it just seems like a few people in your family didn�t react well to you being there.�

�My�my little brother.� Steven. The first words out of his mouth to his big brother in almost 5 years, and all he came up with was, �What the hell do you think you�re doing here?� Oh yeah. Jim made the right choice going home all right. �He thinks I abandoned our Dad.�

�Did you?� Again the ice cracked within, spikes of doubt and loss stabbing.

�The man hated me! He said he never wanted to see me again! Said I was a disgrace! What was I supposed to do, go see him every other weekend just to have him tell me what a disappointment I was?� And that he wanted nothing to do with his worthless, bastard son, as he�d so eloquently put it?

�And you think that because you chose your family over your partner, he paid the price?� Jim held down the bile in his throat as the crime scene photos that would forever immortalize his worst mistake flashed across his vision over and over. If only he�d been there-

�And you knew that he was going to die before you left, right?� Jim�s gaze shot up like Blair had just sprouted another head.

�Exactly. You didn�t know what was going to happen in either situation. For all you know, it could have been both of you dead instead of just your partner. He didn't walk out there to die, anymore than you went home to get yourself emotionally beaten to crap by someone you obviously care a lot about.� Deft fingers touched him as he sat stunned, drawing wetness from his face he�d barely known was there.

�You can�t control the world, Jim. You can only move through it, and do that one thing you joined the force to do.�

�What?� Was that really his voice? He still had one?

�Make a difference. You joined the force so that you could protect people, exactly what the Army taught you how to do.� Blair caught a second errant drop as it escaped from behind azure eyes. And it took everything in him to recall why he couldn�t get too close. Couldn�t afford to care, even for this amazing man. Why did the tortured ones make his soul sing? Why did he have to find them bleeding, knowing he would be the one to bleed in the end? Maybe just one more night�

�I want you to do something for me, Jim. I want you to go back home, however you�d like to get there, and go to your Captain the next chance you have and get a new partner. I want you to make it your business to make sure this person understands about your blacking out, and what he or she has to do to get you out of it. And if you can�t get a partner right away, I want you to remember what happened here tonight. I want you to remember what it felt like to hear my voice inside you, so you can follow it back, just like you did tonight. Let it bring you back whenever you need me to.� Jim stared at the perpetually tousled head before him, as confused and exhausted as he was relieved. Blair didn�t think he was a freak. Blair didn�t judge. Blair didn�t ask the questions Jim didn�t have the answers for. Maybe he didn�t need them.

And maybe next time Jim could pick a more comfortable roof to land on.

�Come on,� Blair croaked as he hauled them both to their feet. �You look like you could use a decent meal.�

�I still say it�s a well-wrapped coronary.�

�Please, Sandburg. You were sucking down yours as fast as I was mine.�

�That is so not the point, man.� The argument had started as they�d pulled into the object of Jim�s dinner request, Wonderburger, and hadn�t slowed since. From trans fat to cholesterol to the nutritional merit of French fries, the two had thrown mild insults, slightly over-salted fries, and general banter back and forth like an old married couple.

And as they reached Jim�s hotel, he couldn�t help feeling that the only decent thing that had happened to him in a good long time was ending. It felt� wrong somehow.

�Well, this is it.�

�Yeah. Listen, Chief, I�� And something deep and profound to say would have come in handy just then, but nothing made it out as he met those limpid sapphire eyes for what he feared would be the last time. �Thank you.�

Why do I do this to myself? �Don�t mention it. Now go, get some rest, and get back home. You�ve got an entire city waiting.� Jim reached out and cupped that perfect nape. Good-bye was too good for a man such as Blair, so Jim didn�t say it.

And as he watched the little Volvo pull away, Blair�s soft, lingering presence stirred the pot of hope inside him, one he�d thought burned dry long ago.

Blair waited until the hotel sign had long faded from his rearview mirror to pull the little car to the side of the road. He pulled gently into PARK, turned off the engine, and let the scream flow out. It went on for what felt like hours, until his voice broke only to keep going until he simply had nothing left in him.

This was not how he wanted to end this night, this, the last of his nights in Seattle. Damn his eyes for looking up. Damn him for caring about one more soul in this lifeless town.

A town that held no sway over him anymore, not after tonight. No, tonight he would make the same journey Jim would, to Cascade, to what was left of his future.

Jim. Blair coughed heavily as his eyes watered, the fear and anguish washing over him again through the remembered fog set over glacial eyes. The hell that was the Military. Losing his partner. Losing the love of his family. It was a wonder the man had managed so long on his own power. But that power had diminished, broken down to the point that he was willing to� Did Jim have anything left? Had Blair simply stayed the inevitable? Was there something more he could have-

No, Blair thought as he roughly knuckled his eyes. It wasn�t his problem anymore. Jim had his own choices to make, and nothing Blair could do or say or think now would change any of them.

So why did he want to turn back? For the next three hours, it was all Blair could do to stare down the road, gripping the steering wheel until his hands ached to keep them from turning the car around. Jim would be ok. Jim would make his choice. Jim would be ok. Would Blair?

�Hey, Simon. Got a minute?�

�Jim! Just the man I wanted to see. Come in.� Uh oh. It was never a good thing when Simon �Deadbolt� Banks smiled. Jim shut the door without slamming it for the first time in ages and flopped into his usual chair.

�Hey. That offer still open for getting me a new partner?� Simon�s smile altered slightly.

�Why?�

�Well, I thought about it while I had my time off, and it�s starting to sound like a decent idea. Not that I want to be your new rookie trainer or anything, but still I�d like a partner.� The corners of Simon�s mouth turned up around his cigar, not so much a smile as a smirk, which only made it slightly less unnerving. Simon then reached to his desk phone and called out to Kimmy, his secretary.

�Send him in.� Him? Who him? Oh, right. Simon had wanted to see him. Looks like he was going to try and force another part-

Jim�s suddenly rabbit-keen ears locked onto a single pair of footsteps through the bustle of activity just outside the door. Two feet, one beat. Every other sound faded around it, parting to let it pass. The knock to the door wasn�t as sudden as it was�wanted? What the�

�Oh, am I interrupt-� Jim was on his feet, hope floating on a rising tide of fear. No. No, it can�t be. I�m not seeing this�

�Blair?� The younger man�s face lit at the voice that greeted him.

�Hey, Jim! What�s�� Jim. Simon. Folder. Transfer. Jim. Cascade PD. Simon. Captain Simon Banks. Special Unit. Major Crimes. New Partner. �Oh.�

Sky eyes met sapphire, and for the first time in far too long, the sun shown through the storm.