Feels Like Home

It had been six months since the dissertation hammer had come down. Jim had spent the day shaking at his desk because he couldn't be by his Guide's side when he defended his work. Their work, four years worth. 49 months, 3 weeks, four days of blood, sweat, tears, death and life, all in the pages before a panel hell bent on making his Guide out to be a sham.

And Blair had dazzled them. He'd used the Sentinel concept, but Alex as an example of how things can go wrong without Guides. He used primarily myth and Burton to illustrate the need for Guides, and he used people with only a couple heightened senses to back up the claim that Sentinels could have been, and still could be given the right setting. He also illustrated the kinds of work that could be done using such senses, such as police work, utilizing hypotheticals based on Jim. Jim was never mentioned. It was a smash, and so was Blair.

Then... nothing. The panel had given him a ringing endorsement, and Blair had finished out the year's classes just six weeks ago, but since then...nothing. Not a glimmer from the university, not even to tell him what Anthro 101 classes he was going to be teaching the following semester.

So when Jim had received the message just an hour ago that Blair wanted to talk him when he got home, he was surprised he hadn't received a dozen speeding tickets and a few other decent traffic violations in his successful efforts to make a 35 minute trip in 17 minutes.

Jim took the steps two and three at a time, scanning the loft, grateful to find his Guide's heartbeat there, slow, steady. The scent of meditation candles hung heavy in the air, and that could mean something good, or something very, very bad.

Jim opened the door to a darkened living room, the only light coming from a single lit candle. Blair was curled up on the couch, but uncoiled as Jim's keys landed in the basket.

Jim joined him on the couch, noticing for the second time that week that his Guide did not smell like he'd eaten.

"So, what did you want to tell me, Chief?" Blair didn't answer. He met Jim's eyes for the first time, and Jim saw anxiety dance behind his Guide's usually glowing eyes.

"I've been offered a Professorship." Hell yes! Jim couldn't hold back the smile that trekked mightily across his face.

"That's great! I knew they'd never part with you." Blair sank back a little, almost shrinking. Jim reached out and laid a hand on Blair's arm. Blair didn't recoil, but the shiver Jim felt stole all mirth from him.

"It's not at Rainer." Wow, Jim hadn't expected that, but ok. That wasn't the end of the world.

"Ok...so, where?"

"Portland." Or was it? No, it wasn't bad. Portland wasn't so bad. Might involve some...changes, but they would work it out. It could be done. Surely it could be done.

"Oh, well, that's not too bad."

"Portland...Maine."

And that was the moment Jim Ellison's world cracked.

The next thing Jim knew, warmth swept down his cheek. Familiar warmth, that of his Guide. He squirmed a little, and found himself stretched out on the couch, with Blair on his knees beside him, a hand just over his heart as the other stroked his face. The voice that had brought him out of so many zones came to him again, a soft cadence.

"Jim? That's it, man. I'm right here."

"You won't be." It was all he could think of to say. Maine? That meant Blair was leaving. Leaving him. Leaving all that they'd built.

"What?" And it hurt. The innocence, the confusion hurt more than anything else. Didn't Blair understand what he was doing? He can't have been in this house, their home, for so long without knowing...

"You won't be here." Anger flared in those familiar sapphire pools, alongside a raw hurt Jim swore he would never put his Guide through again. But there it was.

"I didn't say I'd accepted it." And then he was gone, the French doors slamming shut behind him. A flip of a switch signaled the white noise generator, as did the sudden loss of his Guide to his ears.

And so Jim was left in what he soon realized would become his life when Blair left. His mind flashed back a moment to what life had been before he'd come back online. Caroline had just left him, and he'd poured himself into his work, running hard and fast every chance he'd gotten. Achieving Detective of the Year only through the longest of hours and bringing himself to near burnout time and time again. He'd gone as long as he could, and it was that strain that had lead Simon to giving him the nightmare of all stakeouts because it was the only way Jim would come close to taking time off.

And all that had lead to Blair. His desperation, his despair, not knowing what the hell to do with himself and so doing the only thing he knew how to do had lead him to the feet of his Guide, and into a series of adventures he could never have imagined, and a journey his dreams could not touch.

But dreams would be all he'd have left soon, unless...

Jim stood, pondering as he moved to his Guide's room. Could he? Should he? The second question was easier to answer than the first, and the first took full shape as he knocked just once, lightly on his Guide's door.

No answer, which he wasn't surprised at after a fashion. The white noise generator at this proximity tended to drown out everything. He cracked the door just a bit, and beheld his Guide on his bed, facing the wall in a sweats-covered ball.

He moved through his Guide's only mildly messy room. It smelled so much of Blair. Jim wondered absently if he would ever have the nerve to tell Blair that whenever he left for more than a day, Jim would curl up on the floor of this room to sleep, just to be closer to his Guide, even from hundreds, even thousands of miles away.

He shut off the white noise generator on the night stand, and sat on the edge of the bed. Blair didn't flinch, which Jim was grateful for. He stroked Blair's side gently, feel the rhythmic breathing his ears were just getting used to again. So very much to be grateful for...

"Could I come with you?" It seemed so natural now. Of course he could do this. What else could he do? There could never be another Guide for him. No one could ever come close...

Blair turned over, unconsciously trying not to dislodge his Sentinel's touch. Come with? Just like that? Well, why not? He was considering it... No! This was Jim! Jim didn't do things like this! Jim didn't pull out splinters without a three part plan. He'd come back to this city after the jungle because his tribe was here, his family, and then his career. Now he was ready to just up and leave? And that Jim would do that for him...

"Well, can I?" Blair pushed up on an elbow, the bedside lamp casting shadows everywhere.

"How?"

"They have a PD or two in Maine, I assume?" Blair sat up fully, Jim's hand still clinging to him. "How long until you have to give them an answer?"

Blair sat stunned, uncertainty playing across his features as much as Jim was playing with a single, silken curl that had fallen within reach. So soft...

"Do you really want this?" Blair sat, feeling his hair move through that familiar touch, watching those eyes he knew so well bore through him. He felt pinned, tied down...held. He wanted so much to know what he wanted. When he'd been approached about the position, at first he'd been thrilled. His first real job offering! And they hadn't tried to haggle about what he'd do. They knew what they wanted; they wanted a solid professor to take over for one of their best who was retiring. And though it was an out of the way university, anyone who was anyone in the Anthro world wanted to go to Preston Port for their degree. So many big names had come out of that school, some had even come back to teach, and they wanted him! He'd been giddy for almost an hour.

Until he'd thought of Jim. All they'd been through, all Jim had done to make the dissertation possible. How could Blair tell his best friend, his Holy Grail, that Rainer wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole? That they were more than happy to give him the letters behind his name, but after everything that had happened, couldn't put the reputation of the school on the line for such a loose cannon, in spite of all the good he'd done. The long hours, the hundreds of students he'd turned around, the endless parade of homework and course work and graded papers and bull shit. All of it, for nothing. He could graduate, but he couldn't teach. Not there.

And now he was being given the opportunity of a lifetime on the other side of the country. 3000 miles away from Jim. His Sentinel. His legacy, in essence. His best friend.

And for two days, Blair couldn't get around why he wanted to leave so badly. Why he still wanted to leave so badly. Leave the humiliation, the insult, the pain of everything around him shattering, but that meant leaving his Sentinel, too... except now Jim...

"Yes." It didn't sting as badly this time, Jim thought as he continued to play gently.

"Then how long do you have before they need an answer?"

"Two weeks." Blair sounded scared again, and Jim let his hand fall to cover his Guide's, just to make sure he didn't disappear into the night. No, he couldn't touch that fear right now. Too close to the surface. Much too close.

"Good. That gives me enough time to find out about the Portland PD and see about a transfer." Blair pulled his hand back slowly, not wanting to scare his suddenly possessive Sentinel. He didn't want a martyr, and he sure as hell didn't want pity. Blair also didn't want Jim to make the biggest mistake of his life for him.

"Jim, you've been in or near Cascade most of your life. This is your tribe! You can't just abandon them! And what about the climate? I know I'm going to be suffering in that freezing cold, but what about you? Your senses-"

"Will adapt." Jim held the suddenly flailing hands, watching as Blair's thoughts came to a physical halt. "Remember the jungle? I was able to live there quite happily after living in drizzle central for most of my life, and I can do it all again in Maine. Besides, it's not so different from here, it just rains less." Blair grinned despite himself, and Jim couldn't help joining him.

"Yeah, I was kind of looking forward to more sunshine." Jim looked down at their hands, overlapping, and brought Blair's hand into his lap. His fingers played across the slightly furred flesh of his arm, the delicate tan, calloused hands capable of so much gentleness. He laced and unlaced their fingers, feeling their fingerprints brush, that same heartbeat he'd come to depend on keeping him from being drawn in. His Guide. His light.

"Then there's no downside that I can see here, Chief." Blair watched him so intent on his task. He knew Jim could feel him shiver, yet how could he feel self-conscious? This was his Sentinel, his dearest friend, his brother. No, not brother. What they had was so much deeper than that. Jim, so closed, so solitary, taking what he needed at this moment from this touch, this closeness. Blair knew his Sentinel did this for no one else. No date, no other friend, just him. Sentinel and Guide...

"Thank you."

"You've done so much for me, Chief. I'm alive because of you. What kind of Blessed Protector would I be if I let you go off on your own to who knows where?" Blair's face fell. So it was pity after all. His mind raced, trying to find some way to convince Jim this wasn't right, no matter how much he wanted it-

"No, don't think that," Jim said as he moved an errant curl over the shell of Blair's ear. "I'm not doing this because I feel like I have to. I want to go with you. I want to be where you are. You're my Guide, but first and foremost you're my best friend. Life wouldn't be the same without you, senses or not. I'd miss you too much."

What, reading minds was a new sub-ability of Sentinels? All that sensory perception put to good use, Blair supposed. Still, to just leave the life he'd built...

"But you're giving up everything." How someone so strong could sound so lost...

"I'm keeping the one thing that matters." Jim cupped a slightly stubbled cheek, answering the hope and doubt he found in the sapphire eyes before him: I promise you, Blair, I'll show you your trust in me is worth it. "Us."