Nick sighed as deeply as his seatbelt would allow. What a night! First that DB at the Tangers had been an open and shut. Then the rigging of that fight at the MGM Grand ending in an official�s murder had been given to Warrick and Catherine and Sara while Nick got to go on a road trip with Grissom all the way to the other side of Lake Tahoe. The radio played low against the dull roar of the road, thick tires and black pavement the only thing to look at in the darkness flooding his window.
Not that he minded so much. It gave him time alone with Grissom, which he hadn�t gotten in a long time since Grissom had been made the night shift supervisor. He�d gotten so wrapped up in his paperwork and being in charge that he�d all but ignored Nick for almost a year. Nick didn�t like that much. Not at all, to be honest.
Then Amy Henderson had come along and put a gun to his head. The Great Grissom had been shocked out of the way, and the man that Nick wished he could see more often, Gil, the actual human and not just the scientist, came hurling to the surface, bringing with him every emotion Nick had ever seen in this enigma of a man.
For three straight weeks Nick had been the center of Gil�s universe, from hourly check-ins on the job to phone calls both before and after shift to meals together. Every day felt like he really had died, and gone straight to heaven. A heaven filled with times he knew he would never forget. Times filled with the greatest man Nick had ever known, and the only man he�d ever loved. The only person he�d ever loved.
And then life had gone back to normal. The Great Grissom had found a way back to the surface, and one day, everything went back to the way it had been. The way Nick had hated. He�d gone back to being Warrick�s partner, though evidence lackey was more like it. And Sara�s chew toy; that role was always fun. The true bitch always loved grinding his nose in his own mistakes. Oh, and of course there was always Catherine, the lab mother hen, always over his shoulder, making sure Nicky was ok, and that he knew that nothing bad was going to happen to him while she was around.
And Grissom didn�t care that he went through hell as the only CSI Level 3 that wasn�t allowed to handle everyday DB on his own. Oh yeah, Nick led a charmed life.
Then Nigel Crane had come along. He�d dropped out of the sky, quite literally, and thrown Nick�s whole world into chaos a second time. Only this time it was more than just a simple gun to his head. It was his whole life, under the microscope of a psychotic killer.
And Gil had come to his rescue, again. Gil, who cared about him so much, who took care of him. Gil who was ready to pull Brass�s gun in order to take down the man who had come so close to killing Nick. For a moment, Nick had entertained the idea that Gil actually cared for him as more than a mere co-worker, a simple subordinate. For a moment, while still in the hospital, Nick knew he�d woken up for just a moment to have his hand grasped so tight in Gil�s that only the pain told him it wasn�t another dream.
And then life had returned to normal�again. Grissom had come back with a vengeance, and Nick had once again become a CSI. A worker bee. A bug to be controlled by the resident entomologist. Great. Just great.
Nick looked over at Grissom, seated firmly behind the wheel. Probably forgot Nick was even there. His mind was probably already at the crime scene, dissecting what would be there and what he would do. What he would have Nick do. Nick signed as he sank an inch further into his seat. At least he fit into this situation somewhere.
Nick tamped down the growing sting as it rose in his stomach. Where was the man he longed to see so much? In the lab, Grissom was the perfect man to have around. And even Nick had to admit that having Grissom there was the only way most of these cases ended up solved. He touched every case that ran through that lab, and he added a little something that made everything fall together. It�s what everyone wanted.
But that wasn�t what Nick wanted! Nick just wanted Gil back. He just wanted to have his friend back. He wanted� he wanted to be loved. He wanted to fall asleep in someone�s arms, knowing they would protect him. He was always the only protecting others, from victims to falsely accused suspects, right down to his fellow CSI. But the only one who protected him was Gil. Not Grissom, Gil. His Gil.
Was he selfish if he wanted to get that man back just for a minute? Was it so wrong that he couldn�t sleep at night without hearing Gil�s voice? His head fell against the window, hard against the darkness, but he didn�t care. Why the hell couldn�t he just get over this? Why did he have to love this man so much?
�Nick, you ok?�
�Yeah,� his voice shook out, and he cursed this whole stupid thing. �I�m fine.�
�No, you�re not.� He looked, but he knew he hadn�t heard wrong. �Are you crying?� It only took that one look to make his choice. Grissom slowed down and pulled off the deserted road, only a few miles from where they needed to be. But this was more important. Nick was more important than any crime scene. Period. Gil turned in his seat, his seatbelt clicking open.
�Nick, what is it?� Nick wiped his face, new tears breaking free as the old were swept away. What the hell? Why couldn�t he stop this? Sure, music did this to him sometimes. But then, every time his emotions got riled up he couldn�t control whether or not the faucet started running. He could never tell which way it was going to go, but it always seemed to turn on when he wanted it least. And it wasn�t helping that he was having a mental tantrum over just being in the same car as Gil Grissom. And that particular song wasn�t doing him any favors, either. He liked that song, but it had never done this to him before. And why the hell was he fantasizing about asking for someone to be his rescuer? Since when we he so weak? Not since�
�S-stupid song�� Gil reached out without thinking, his hand on Nick�s shoulder, squeezing gently.
�No!� Nick jerked hard against the window, just enough to release the grip and shock Gil back, and Grissom back into place. But it wasn�t Grissom Nick saw, and he wasn�t a CSI. He was a child again. A child caught in his own worst nightmare. He could still feel her breath, hear the horrid sounds she made. The pain. He could still feel the pain. Evil, evil bitch. Why him? Why did she have to do it to him? �Please don�t touch me.�
�Nicky?� She�d called him that, too. Little Nicky. Helpless, scared little Nicky.
�Please, just-� The scent was what did it. The scent of one who was not that horrid woman. Not her, but him. Smooth cologne, shaving cream and soap. And then the hand that had been pushed out to restrain was taken. Nick looked back to see his hand held in Grissom�s two strong ones, not hers. She wasn�t here. She was gone, and this was Grissom. He didn�t have to be afraid of him. Grissom wouldn�t hurt him. Never�
�Gris�?� �Let me be your hero�� The song rang out clear in his mind, and his heart screamed. Yes, please be my hero. Make it all go away�
�I�m here, Nicky.� And that was all it took. Nick dove headlong into the warmth of Gil�s arms. He gripped the slick vinyl of the older man�s jacket for all he was worth. He was half-afraid it would rip, but right then he really didn�t care. Strong hands ran the length of his back, surrounding him, keeping him safe. Safe. He�d been so scared for so long, but this felt so safe, like nothing could ever hurt him again. Like Gil would protect him. Gil�
�Oh God, Gil.� Gil could honestly say he�d never heard any voice so filled with sorrow and yet so laced with joy. He pressed his cheek to the soft hair of Nick�s head to avoid what he really wanted. Nicky was hurting, and the last thing he needed was to push away needed comfort because his boss had some delusional fantasy about caring for him. He did care, but not just the way Nick needed just then. He wanted so much more, but just to hold him felt so good. And Nick needed something different, not just someone to take advantage of him under the pretense of a pity fuck. Not that Gil would, but no matter. He would be grateful for this. He would continue to worship this wondrous creature from afar, and would be content with this one chance to be Nick�s touchstone, his connection to something better. Just once�
��God� I�m not, but whatever you need, I can be. Just ask.� Nick pulled away just enough to see the look on Gil�s face. So much pain, he wondered about it. He�d never seen the man so open before, as if Nick could reach out and touch his soul through his eyes. He wasn�t cold or harsh or clinical. He was warm, soft�vulnerable? Or just tired? Or both? What was this thing hurting so much in his chest?
�Please just hold me.� And he snuggled back down into the embrace he�d wanted for so long. He shivered as knowing fingers ran through his short hair, tingling and sparkling.
Gil had to fight to keep from shaking. Did this gorgeous young man understand what he was doing to Gil�s control? He never lost it like this, not to anyone. Yet Nick had seen everything he had to give and not bolted. In fact, he�d come back. From putting up with Gil�s overprotective phone calls and check-ins to his emotional constipation when it came to being at work. Nick had not only endured it all, he�d stayed in the aftermath, always there, being needed more than he would ever know. Gil tightened his grip just a bit as the sparks ran up and down his back.
�Gil?� Whisper or whimper, Gil wasn�t sure. And he wasn�t sure which he feared more.
�Yes, Nicky?�
�Thank you.� Gil settled back into his seat, perfectly content to stay the whole rest of the night with this man in his arms. But of course, they couldn�t. Nick pulled back first �Promise me you won�t play that song again?�
�Whatever you wish.� What did Nick want from this? Anything? Nothing? He seemed so lost, and it had taken so little to bring him close again... Gil sighed as he replaced his seatbelt and slipped the truck back into gear. Oh, bite the bullet, you big sissy.
�Feel like getting something to eat after shift?�
�Sounds great.� Was it just him, or did Nick�s eyes just lighten?
�I know this great little place that caters to second and third shifters. No one bats an eye when you order a steak and a beer at eight in the morning.� A meal. Something to look forward to. Something out of the lab, away from everyone.
�Sounds great. Can�t wait.� And for the first time in a long time, he couldn�t wait to get off shift, because something better was waiting just on the other side of shift change. He was so focused on that something that he failed to notice the absolutely stupid grin plastered across his boss�s face. Or the way he can�t seem to stop humming a certain song, just low enough that only he can hear.
Neither can I, Nicky. Neither can I.
Disclaimer: The characters, names, and references made herein belong to CBS inc, Jerry Bruckheimer, etc. No copyright infringement intended. For fun, not profit.
