I will not take a shortcut through the woods.

If the Evil Overlord announces that he has reformed, wants only to help people, and is going to throw a party/parade/celebration and give away money, I won't go. Not even if he's playing Prince music. If he's lying, I'll either be an injured survivor or a statistic. If he's telling the truth, I’ll catch the next one.

Do not make a snack run alone. Always take someone with you!

Watching the Evil Overlord's interview on TV will certainly be interesting, but do not do so from the studio audience. I’ll just tape it and then wait a week or so to see if any other viewers suffered seizures or mind-control problems before watching it myself.

If you are riding on public transportation, and the Magnificent Seven board your train or bus, get out immediately, especially if they're in street clothes.

If you are exceptionally attractive, stay away from banks. It’s always the attractive heroine type who gets taken hostage during a robbery.

Do not run back into a burning/falling/battle torn building to get your teddy bear and/or puppy. If you have small children, keep them on one of those kid leash things so they won't try to run back inside for their teddy bear and/or puppy.

When a bad guy uses you as a human shield, certain delicate parts of his anatomy are within range of your heel and or fist. Go for it! (Most Heros can use a good laugh.)

If an acquaintance of yours seems to disappear every time the Hero puts in an appearance, think about it for a while and see what you come up with. (A reporter, yea right, lol.)

If your child has an adult friend who frequently urges your child to "clear his mind", and mentions to you that your child has "a rare gift", get your affairs in order, because your days are numbered.

If I’m working as a reporter, I’ll try to find a happy medium between the public's right-to-know and my right-to-not-be-kidnapped and or killed.

If I notice that one of my fellow reporters can type 1,024 words per minute, I’ll make a discreet call to the Hero, and not try to unmask them myself.

If I’m working as a policeman, bank guard, or night watchman, and my first shot bounces off an intruder's chest, I’ll try aiming my next shot somewhere else, like his face. If this, too, bounces off, I won't waste anymore of my ammunition by continuing to shoot. And I certainly won't risk my neck by moving to engage in hand-to-hand combat. Instead, I’ll fall back and call for backup.

I will not attempt to recreate the means by which the Hero gained his powers. I will either fail, and therefore die a painful and lingering death, or I will succeed. In which case I will lose control of my newfound powers, rampage through the city, and force the Hero to kill me so I don’t harm any innocents.

If you associate with the Hero, you run the risk of becoming either a True Love or a Sidekick, depending on your gender and mutual sexual preferences. The former situation will involve hostage situations on a regular basis, but your chances for survival are optimal. The latter position is quite hazardous to your health.

If the Hero and the Evil Overlord are battling it out, I’ll head somewhere else as quickly as possible before a thrown car, a statue of the city’s founder, or a collapsing skyscraper, crushes me.

If the Evil Overlord offers me immortality, superpowers, or infinite wealth and all I have to do is something that seems exceedingly trivial, I won't do it! It's a trick. I will be used as a pawn in a larger game, and then he will crush me like a bug.

Don't try to impress your significant other by emulating something that you saw the Hero do. This will result in the Hero having to save your ass, and you will come off as a loser.

When you hear reports that the Hero has become involved in some illicit activity, remain skeptical. It’s most likely a frame-up.

Never purposefully investigate the Hero in order to learn his secret identity. Success will get you kidnapped by the Evil Overlord.

If a Hero takes up residence in your city, a nice house in the country will help actualize your potential life-span.

If I find myself working as a security guard for a large international corporation, I will try to get assigned to the personnel or marketing departments. At all costs, I’ll avoid being assigned to R&D.

If there is a shy, quiet kid in my class that everybody picks on, I will treat her with respect and kindness. That way, when her psychic powers finally manifest, I might actually survive.

If the Hero says, "wait here", it really doesn't matter if you listen to him or not. If you wait, the Evil Overlord’s henchmen will capture you as soon as the Hero is out of earshot. If you follow, the Evil Overlord’s henchmen will capture you as you stumble along.

The Evil Overlord's friendly overtures are never sincere. If he is suddenly friendly with you, answer him with courtesy and skip town as soon as possible. If he has always been friendly with you, answer him with courtesy and feign total uselessness.

I will learn to control my urge to sneeze, cough, or make other noises so that I won't give myself away when I am trying to hide from dinosaurs, henchmen, or other vile things.

If I buy a new house, especially one rumored to be haunted by a malignant entity, and a disembodied voice commands me to leave, I will go as quickly as I can. Then I will claim the money I lost on the house as a deduction.

If the mere presence of my new sweetheart provokes a hostile and/or fearful reaction in cats and dogs, I will terminate the relationship immediately.

If someone chasing someone else asks that I help catch the latter, I will feign incomprehension. Because, if I help them out, I'll either catch the Hero (and thereby play into the villain's hands) or I'll catch the villain (and either be killed or taken hostage).

If I’m working as a policeman, bank guard, or night watchman and someone breaches a concrete wall with their bare hands to enter the facility I’m in, I will not waste time asking them their business here, I’ll just run like hell.

If a new Hero shows up who is taking business away from the old Hero, I will keep my distance. He's either a bad guy pretending to be good, or their powers aren't fully developed and will soon be out of control.

I will not attempt to watch the Hero's exploits in person. Instead, I will appease myself with watching highlights on the 11:00 news.

If mysterious strangers appear at the birth of my child and start making epic proclamations about him, I will listen!

I will do my best to refrain from become friends with the Hero's True Love. Because if I do become friends with her I will buy it when she gets kidnapped.

Do not actively try to become the Hero's True Love or Sidekick. If you really have what it takes, you'll get the job no matter what you do.

If the corporation I work for conducts research, I will not volunteer to work the late shift. That's when experiments go awry.

If I’m running a corporation that conducts research, I will not fire a scientist without first dismantling everything in his lab.

Do not attempt to catch custom-made vehicles in your standard issue ford, even if you are a policeman.

Do not split up to search for the monster. (Many lives can be saved every year by following this simple rule.)

If I’m singled out as the Chosen One, I will politely inquire as to what this entails. If the job description involves "Defeating the Darkness," and involves long years of danger and struggle, I've just been made a Hero, and the person who just named me as the Chosen One is my Mentor (or can direct me to my Mentor). If the position of Chosen One involves being pampered by half-naked temple virgins, then it will end with me being sacrificed to a volcano, and the person calling me the Chosen One is the Evil Overlord who intends to perform the ceremony.

Any artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, and should only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction.

I will stay away from all buildings or natural features of the landscape that resemble skulls, fists, fanged mouths, etc.

Before going on vacation, I will check both the police archives, and with the old people who live in the region, and I will take note of any mysterious deaths and/or disappearances.

No matter how hooked you are on phonics, don't try to pronounce things you find inscribed on ancient artifacts.

Artifacts that are found in pieces should be left in pieces. Most importantly, if the pieces of an artifact stick together during assembly without any sort of adhesive, stop!

When the scholar in the expedition says that the carving promises wrath on “he who breaks the seal”, it's time to go break the camp.

When the medical examiner announces that the victim was bitten or eaten by "something weird that I've never seen before, probably some kind of animal", avoid the area where the biting/eating took place. If the victim is still alive, avoid the victim.

I will be quiet and try to stay sober most of the time. If I get drunk and begin to sing bawdy songs at the top of my lungs, I will attract prostitutes who are actually spies for the Evil Overlord.

If I am tasked to carry a very important message, I will make many copies and use Federal Express to deliver it.

If the beautiful captured female spy offers me sexual favors, I will refuse. It’s only a trick, and she will try to kill me and escape.

If the Hero is named "Dirty Harry" or something very simular, I will realize that there is a reason for that and request an immediate transfer.

Before accepting the job of Sidekick, I will find out how the position became vacant.

If the Hero does something to hurt my feelings, I will presume that it was an honest mistake. I will not go wandering off in a fit of self-pity so I can get captured by the Evil Overlord.

I will inform the Hero and his associates of any embarrassing secrets I may have, so that the Evil Overlord cannot use them to blackmail me.

If the Hero has some really extra-nifty weapons or armor, I will do my best to acquire like items.

I will not wear a red shirt when beaming down to a strange planet.

I will not tell the Hero about any of my plans to settle down after the Evil Overlord is overthrown until after the Evil Overlord is actually overthrown.

I will never open a package addressed to the Hero, or pick up his laundry, or perform any other personal task on his behalf.

If the Hero ever tosses me his car keys, I will politely toss them back and take the bus. That way, I will not be killed by the car bomb or the drive by, or....

I will make plans for the proper disposal of my body after I die, so that the Evil Overlord cannot use it for insidious purposes.

If I am ever presented with a reasonable, and I do mean reasonable, opportunity to save the day myself, I will at least try, rather than waiting to let the Hero do it.

If I take up the profession of arms, I will not necessarily ape the Hero's fashion sense. Specifically, I will have sleeves on my shirt, and the shirt will be buttoned.

If the Hero sends me out on some errand, I will go, perform the task, and return. I will not drop by the tavern for a tankard of ale.

If I am flying a one-man craft which is critically damaged, I will eject. Only if the ejector seat fails will I belt out a long, despairing, agonized scream as I fly the craft into an enemy structure.

Someone involved in the Heroic Struggle has an evil identical twin out there. I'll plan accordingly.

If I find a deep hole, I will not throw a rock into it to see how deep it is, unless this information is actually needed for some reason.

If I fall in love with the Hero's Girlfriend, I will inform the Hero first and then the True Love, so that they can help me get over it and help me find someone else.

If the Hero calls for me from some dark place I did not expect him to be, I'll hit the place with some manner of illumination, ask for the password, and proceed with the utmost caution.

If I fall in love with someone else, I will tell him/her now, and not shyly procrastinate, thereby dooming the object of my affection to perish just as I was getting up the courage to make my feelings known.

If the Hero wants me to go get something, I'll arrange for delivery. If this is not available, I'll take along a few faithful comrades. At no time will these services be performed at night.

If the Hero is fated to slay certain entities, the Evil Overlord in particular, this means that I will not slay them, and should avoid trying.

If the Hero warns me that my girlfriend is a Servant of Evil, I am in a perverse quandary. If I believe him and terminate the relationship, he will turn out to have been dead wrong, and the resulting alienation of affection will drive her to the Dark Side. If I don't believe him, he will turn out to be right, and I will be used as a pawn by my scheming lover. I guess the only solution is to take my sweetie on a long vacation and not return until after the Heroic Struggle is completed.

I will not goad bad guys with statements like "over my dead body." Typicly the Evil Overlord will be more than happy to oblige.

If I am the town drunk, I will happily live out the next 40 years being the town drunk, and will not guarantee my almost immediate death by trying to clean myself up so as to be a better sidekick for the Hero.